Girl’s dad moving 1 hour away

[Springtimegirls]

Girl’s dad is moving in with girlfriend 1 hour drive away and has told the girls he will keep to the same routine at weekends.

Routine involves taking youngest to a Saturday morning club round the corner from me.

He collects from school every Friday, drops home Saturday one weekend and then drops home on Sundays the next weekend.

Travel time wont be as bad on short weekends with him but on long weekends they will be driving for 4 hours in total, back and forth. And he’ll have to drive 6 hours.

I think it’s too much. They are all tired on Friday nights. Youngest has thought of giving up her club but that makes her sad. Eldest would probably come along for Saturday morning trip to drop her off and then take back afterwards. Otherwise she will be staying with dads new partner and her daughter. They seem nice. But her dad would be gone for 3.5 hours on Saturday morning and she would prefer to be with him, or with me.

The girls keep saying it would be so much easier to stay at home, and I wish they could. They’ve told their dad it’s too much travelling for them. He says they’ll be fine.

I want them to have time with their dad. He wants to keep conversation with me to an absolute minimum as he finds me difficult to be around/ talk to. We talk mainly through our eldest daughter which I know is not good.

Girls are 11 and 14 now. I think they will want more freedom at the weekends, as they get older. Youngest often wants to stay with me but doesn’t want to upset her dad. I don’t want to upset him either.

Our divorce was as amicable as it could have been, we didn’t go to court.

I’m interested to know of others people experiences, as the children get older, when can they say ‘I’d like to stay at home with mum tonight because I’m tired’.

I don’t see an issue with this. They can chat to their dad in the car.

Not an issue, my older two, now 15 and 17 have been doing this every weekend got ten years. They can obviously stay at mine if they want to do things with friends etc.

It’s 1 hour, not 10. It sounds like you are the one who has the problem with this and had fed this into your children. The dad said he’s going to make it work - allow him to do that, stop trying to sabotage it!

I thought you were going to say they are small- say 4 and 6. At their ages it's perfectly fine and car journeys are often a brilliant time to have a chat. But that said, the 14 year old will soon be able to make her own decisions won't she? DS1's dad lives a couple of hours away. From age 15 DS used to speak to him and make his own weekend plans to go down by train. It stopped being every other weekend at that age, and more when it worked for them both.

I don't see why others aren't seeing the problem.

The obvious answer to me is to only pick up on Saturday morning, take to club, then on short weekend do something locally, and only long weekend go back to new location for the hour.

Pointless being picked up on Friday, drive for an hour, just to drive back again Saturday morning.

Surely the sensible thing would be to change the routine?

Daughters stay at home on Friday night. Younger child goes to activity. Father picks both up either from club or home (depending on your preference) and keeps both until Sunday.

Maybe this needs to switch to every other weekend now, as your daughters want more time for themselves? Also as they become more independent they might prefer a more ad hoc approach where they go for longer or shorter visits as the opportunity arises - half terms, bank holidays, whatever.

Things do change as people change - and the arrangement should be centred around what works best for the children. Certainly at your daughters’ ages a court would very much consider what they want.

This is something for the children and their dad to discuss. They are now of an age where a court would consider what they wanted to do so support them in whatever they finally decide but until then you need to keep quiet (except possibly encourage them to try it out for a month first). However I would start thinking about whether a change in contact days would help first.

It’s an hour - I do this for work every morning!
it’s not a big deal if you don’t make it one.

Your choice though.
I wouldn't choose an hour commute, far too long.

The ex has changed the parameters of contact by moving.
Now would be a good time to discuss changing the schedule.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I was thinking of suggesting change of schedule, pick up every Saturday after club, and keep until Sunday. Nervous to approach subject. Don’t want to influence girls if actually it would be no problem travelling back and forth. I think I will keep quiet. Difficult when youngest often doesn’t want to go with him.

In my situation (dad is crap and always has been) is 14 year old daughter doesn’t want to go I don’t make her, it’s on the basis that he’s never put in effort so I can’t blame her for not being arsed. Also any kid that age will naturally want more time with friends or chilling in their room.

I don't know how I would’ve handled it if he’d been a good dad, I probably might’ve encouraged her more but it’s hard to say. It’s just difficult to know what to do when they’re at that age and are clear in their opinions.

I agree that it’s worth re looking at the current set up, maybe he could come to your end and take them out locally on a weekday?

Whats tricky is that they’ve expressed how they feel to him and he’s disregarded it with “you’ll be fine”. Also difficult that you don’t get on great as anything you disagree with will probably be you “being difficult/trying to create a problem” etc. I completely get your issue on this one, you’re in a tough spot

I don't think an hour's drive is much really.
Any reason why he couldn't drop off Monday? Maybe every other weekend instead and either go Sat- Monday or Friday to Sunday?

Thank you. I want to stick up for them and support them, but also dont want to interfere, and none of us want to upset him. There is always the feeling that they can’t say no. I do want them to spend time with him.

It’s so hard to find the balance between not wanting to be difficult but also advocating for your kids. We all know to pick our battles when it comes to co parenting. I would see how it goes for a month or so and if your girls are really unhappy then something would need to be said. You have nothing to lose with him whereas you’d hate your girls to say “you should’ve helped” in 10 years time. You never know, they could be absolutely fine with it

Difficult when youngest often doesn’t want to go with him.

none of us want to upset him

Look - either advocate for them yourself, or let a court do it. From about the age of ten a court will listen to and consider what each child actually wants to do. So if you’re not encouraging them to speak up, and acting on what they express, you’re treating them less favourably than a court would.

After club on Saturday to Sunday evening every other week. As someone forced to give up a hobby for similar circumstances I absolutely resent it (although my DC have benefited from hobbies always being put first as a result of my experience). There also needs to be flexibility in being able to do things locally with friends.

Mine did this too, except their DF wouldn't bring them home for any clubs at the weekend. Instead they attended every other week whilst they were with me.

He picked up from school Friday and returned them to school Monday, every other weekend, repeating the same arrangement every other Monday and back to school Tuesday.

@TeenToTwenties

not just you!

@Springtimegirls

nope. He can pick up to take to club if he wants to go, or pick up after. He can spend the day with them (no need to go to his house) then drop them home.

on longer weekends he can take them to his after the club.

it's about what the girls want. Not what he wants! At their ages a court would very much take their wants into consideration.

at their ages he's going to have to expect them to say they're not coming quite a lot. They have their own friends & lives where they live! He's choosing to move an hour away, he has to adapt! Or he stays local & his GF moves instead