Am I doing the right thing?

[AML1103]

Hi everyone,

I was with my daughter’s dad for 11 years and we amicably split up when she was 3 1/2. We transitioned him out the family home over a period of time so it wouldn’t effect our daughter but it seems as though it really has. She is now 6 1/2 and sees her dad regularly, he has her every other weekend from Friday to Monday and when it’s not his weekend he has her on a Tuesday and Friday night. In between these days, she cries a lot that she misses her dad but also cries when she is with him that she misses me. I have tried properly talking to her and explaining that it’s ok to miss the other parent but you will be seeing your dad on “day” but there is no reasoning with her once she starts. There is no animosity between me and her dad so it’s not trauma or anything like that. The only things over the last few years that I haven’t agreed with is that when I took her dummy off her, he was still giving it her. She sleeps in her own bed at my house, but she still sleeps in his bed at his house. I have spoke to him about this and he has assured me he will switch her to her own room in order to help because it does always seem to be in the evenings that she starts. I try and stick to the strict days as much as I can but I do cave every now and again and I’ll call her dad because she’s begging me to go to his house so I end up taking her on the other days.

I feel bad declining my daughter from seeing her dad whenever she wants to. The mum guilt is crippling. I don’t know if what I’m doing is going to cause more harm or if I should stick to strict days and if I do, what are the effects of that? When she starts crying she says “I know your going to be upset mummy, but I really miss my dad” this could be the day she’s just got back from his so I do try and reason with her and say but mummy wants to spend time with you but then I feel bad even more because I don’t want her to feel torn and I feel like im causing that by even saying how I feel.

people have said to me over time that I let my daughter be the parent and make decisions that I need to make and if she starts crying then I should just dismiss her so she knows she doesn’t get attention but I literally can’t, it’s breaks my heart watching her be upset, she never asked for this, it’s not her fault, so I try and be as fair as possible and put my own feelings aside.

what is the right thing to do? Am I doing the right thing or should I be more strict and just say no?

thank you

With kindness I think you are both pandering to her. I’m not saying she isn’t upset and that you both should continue to reassure her that it’s ok to miss someone or feel sad etc - but you need to stop pandering to her or you’ll raise a child who knows no boundaries and pushes her luck on everything till she gets her own way.. currently it’s this but soon something else.

tou need to simply say no that’s not possible but you’ll see dad Friday ( or whenever) then leave it at that and repeat over and over. Children need to learn that sometimes the answer is simply no.

its great that you and dad can get on and discuss as it will help if you’re both on board. Currently you’re allowing her to dictate and when she doesn’t she manipulates until you cave.

I know people will come along and say I’m too harsh and that’s she’s traumatised - but honestly I think you need to start setting boundaries and sticking to them - as much for her benefit as your own

@millymollymoomoo Your not the first person to say this to me however the reason I am quite flexible with this and cave from
time to time is because my daughter is generally pretty good at being told no. I have no problem saying no to her with almost everything other than this and she takes it well. She isn’t the type of child to cry or kick off when she doesn’t get her own way and understands that when I say no, it’s a no. However, with this particular scenario, I constantly question if saying no is the right thing to do. It’s not saying no to buying a sweet or a toy, or going somewhere expensive, it’s saying no to her seeing the other parent and for some reason it doesn’t sit right with me but at the same time I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do and what effects this might have on her growing up 🙈

Does he bring her back to you if she says she wants to come home to you? Or does he say no? So it's just you giving him and taking her to him?

Also....controversial maybe....I wouldn't be comfortable in my nearly 7 year old daughter sharing a bed with her dad. Coming in for cuddles or if they get upset in the night is ok but not an expectation of Co sleeping every time she is there.

@theintern yes sometimes, but not all the time, depends how upset she is which is similar to me.

and I agree, I have said something multiple times because I do truly believe that’s the root cause of the problem because she does want to go there more than she wants to come home and I believe it’s because she actually has a bedtime routine with me and she has to sleep in her own bed. She begs me to sleep in my bed, and constantly tries to do anything to stay awake but I make her sleep in her own room whilst I lie with her until she falls to sleep whereas her dad will let her fall asleep on her own accord on the sofa and take her up to his bed when he’s ready. I feel so bad all the time and I actually can’t carry on like this anymore, every night is a nightmare!