How do people actually manage this process 😭

[Stressheadmumma]

So long story short. Things been bad for years but still love my husband. He has decided it is time to split and we have told kids and family but still in the house currently. We have no family nearby for him to live with to get to work etc so have to look at rented. This seems impossible despite having a reasonable joint income. How do people manage to pay for two houses? The kids desperately don’t want to move and the interest rate is cheap on current house and would be paying more if moved in next two years so we want to try and maintain the house for the kids but afford somewhere for husband to live in the meantime.

i feel broken by the situation and worrying about the kids one of whom is starting GCSE years this year. How do we get it right for us without destroying the kids. Both trying to be amicable and work together but then tensions get high and things said and breaks down again.

have spent about a week crying and not sleeping so far and no idea how or when it will get better. Need some positive reassurance as we negotiate this.

Sorry it's all a bit rubbish. Can he go into a house share temporarily, or how about being a lodger close by? If it's his turn to see the kids can he move into the house and you move into his lodgings. It's not ideal, but may work if you know it's a short term thing?

Unless you are rich, lucky or older then keeping the family home and funding a second home is the actual cost of divorce. Frankly for most people it’s just not doable. Your dh is not going to be able to rent anywhere anything like your current home.

The best thing you can do for the kids is carry on being good loving parents and working amicably and fairly together. Moving house won’t be the worst thing that could happen to them - warring parents together in a horrible atmosphere is long term scarring, ask many of us on here who lived through it.

It’s hard hard hard.

I moved into an air BnB during my divorce and a house share afterwards until I met my current partner (in the house share)and got our own place.

Hi op, we were in exactly this situation too and rental is extortionate where we are, so that didn’t seem doable. In the end it was so miserable that I found a 2 bed flat and doubled my working hours to pay for it. The kids have a room each and I’m on the sofa still 18 months in, but I’m happier overall than when we were under the same roof. Unfortunately for us we’ve had problems selling our house so there’s still no end in sight yet, but we’re ok.

My ex rented out one of the rooms in our home to a lodger to help with the costs a bit too. I don’t know whether that could be an option.

I feel for you, it’s very hard.

Most people end up living together while the divorce and financial separation are resolved as it’s often simply not possible to fund 2 houses.

you may need to look at selling the house op

Looking at cheapest studios etc and my dad is doing spreadsheets of all our money as he likes to feel useful and see how we can afford it. He would then have to bring kids here and I move out which in itself feels a bit painful.

Feel like we have effectively been living fairly separately in different rooms for a long time but now we have told kids etc and it’s a definite decision to separate if feels he needs to move out before tensions get high again and it becomes nasty. Trying to keep it amicable but then one of us snaps when emotions are high.

Thanks that sounds really tough but glad you made it work. Rentals are so expensive. £1000 a month for a one bed flat it’s bonkers!

It’s hard op but the reality is it’s often simply not affordable to maintain the fmh and another property at least not longer than a v minimal period.

your husband will hate being in a studio - that has no space for him to have kids over to chill, and spend time with. You’re already stating that he’ll have to have them at the fmh and you move out etc. resentment will build

obvs there is a short term need vs a long term
solution - have you started to discuss what the timescales and solution is ultimate state? That might help with the immediate

also throwing £1k + a mth down the drain is huge if it can at all be avoided by remaining in the sane house while you work things through

This sounds hideous

It’s ok now, we got used to it and things are thankfully very amicable 18 months later 😌

@millymollymoomoo
yes would rather avoid £1000 plus bills as well on top of this place but he doesn’t feel he can remain any longer as we’ve been living in separate rooms for ages and he just feels now we’ve told kids we need to physically separate so just need him to come up with a plan as I’m exhausted by it all and kids most upset about the thought of leave family home so he doesn’t want to do that to them.

Please keep updating op. I'm following your thread with interest regarding my own situation.

It's really tough. Me and my ex ended up living together for about 18 months post separation. At times it was awful, but we just tried to focus on the kids. Thankfully we both had them as a priority.
After about 10 months we were in a position to look at him buying me out of the family home and me moving out.
It wasn't easy though. Him not being prepared and being lazy meant we could have spent 3 months less in that situation but he hadn't bothered to sort things.
It took a few months for me to find a place and then 19 weeks to complete (again he cause a delay).
I've now been living alone for 2 months and it's like the most immense weight has lifted. It was awful at the time, but I'm out the other side and it was worth it to feel stable now.

I think mediation is quite helpful here - and if you’re getting divorced you may need it anyway for childcare arrangements and division of assets. You can do the sums on what you and your STBXH need, and then work out a way forward. Hope you’re doing ok OP - I think the glacial speed of everything divorce related makes things tough.