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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

IVF & emotional abuse

7 replies

Frankieneedshelp · 01/09/2024 16:25

recently my partner and I have started ivf for a long time I thought for many years was me but after 20k on investigation we found out I have super eggs and super dna (what our consultant said )
and it was him that has very very low sperm count and low dna
hard for men to accept and it’s not nice for any one to encounter
as I suffered years from endometriosis so just assumed it was me
I ended up getting 30+ eggs and over 34 years of age
recently my partner has been leaving me rather lonely never coming home
we moved further out into the countryside I am good at making friends
but he doesn’t like any friends at our house
so I can’t have anyone over and it’s a further drive so it would be nice if friends come over
he doesn’t like my family to stay
so I have to go and see them
i then always ask would you like dinner Iv been to the farm healthy food. he never comes home so I eat on my own around 20 to 25 days of the month
I have so many hobbies
I suggest to do so many things
But he doesn’t make an effort with me
so then I’m on my own again
I am always the one to suggest where to go what to do
he never books any restaurants or cooks dinner for us
and when we do have dinner together very rarely all he does is talk about him self and work
i don’t want to talk about money and work
I’d like to talk about philosophy and politics and science art and well everything apart from work and money!
and when I want to talk about my day at work he calls me a gossip I’m gosspying I’m like huh I’m just trying to explain
I’m trying to explain I’m not gossiping I’m just telling you what happened about my day
makes me feel so empty in my self as I have no one to talk to about my day
he has so much drama that goes on his life
and I have zilt
and I listen to him and all his work problems and give him solutions
but when I have a problem he goes that’s not good
and carry’s on about him
no team solution
he goes away on business trips all the times
and says how much money his made
but he then invites me on one very rare I get invited
and I jumped at the opportunity and was like yes I’ll go
as Iv had to postpone any girl trips as starting my ivf and then he said well you have to pay your own way and I’m like oh
it’s a business trip all I’ll be doing is sitting by a pool on my own no different to me being at work then going home on my own.
he never treats me or takes me out
if he does it’s because i say can we please spend some quality time
and now im so isolated as moved further out but he spends all his free time with his friends but never tells me his plans,
plus he never hugs me or kisses me
im quite a touchy person i love physical touch
I like touching or stroking his hair or arm but i wont get a hug or kiss at all if i dont go to him.
And 90 percent time he tells me to get off him
he doesn’t sleep in same bed as me no more
but it would be nice just one night to cuddle up

So it was the first day of my implantation
I just really need a hug and some tlc and reasurrance as I’m nervous hormonal
and then his just started to get aggressive
his been aggressive with his voice all the time with me but Iv dealt with it im good at managing his aggression
he said something mean about my mum and dad really really mean
so I said something really mean about his mum
(which I wish I never said)
next minute his lunged at me with his hands around my throat and squeezing my neck till i can’t breath and spat in my face 3 times big flem spits
I managed to push him off me and pleaded with him to get off me
and because of the high progesterone my teeth are bleeding where he was squeezing neck onto my lower jaw
so I spat the blood out bathroom sink washed my face and he ran out the house, I just feel so fragile and so sick emotionally and mentally

i packed my bag and Iv ran away and I don’t want to come back
he sent me a message saying it was all my fault as my hormones

but I have a house Mortage with him it’s all 50/50
i just want to stay away and sell the house
but I know he will be difficult what do I do?
I feel I have a lucky escape
but I just feel so gutted
as all I wanted was a hug and tlc.

he has a lot of trauma from childhood
and I’m always excusing him from his painful upbringing

he wants a family so bad I feel when I have his baby he will really isolate me
and I will feel even more on edge
so I think I will stay away or at my family’s
just Iv not told anyone apart from my mum
ans I feel so hurt as she wanted to be a grandma so bad
But she is just glad I’m away from him
but I need some advice

OP posts:
newyearsresolurion · 01/09/2024 16:33

Stay away from him that's it don't go back as he just tried to kill your. Ring 999 and report this to the police

newyearsresolurion · 01/09/2024 16:33

Meant he tried to kill you.

mummytrex · 01/09/2024 16:53

Agree with the previous poster. I disagree with him laying blame on you. Regardless, it is irrelevant what prompted his behaviour, his response was inexcusable and all on him. Not you.

You do need to leave AND report to the police. Next time he may actually kill you. Don't have a child with this man or you will be tied to him forever.

JumboTrudgeon · 01/09/2024 17:19

You need to call the police.

You absolutely cannot have a child with him.

Mum2GirlSs · 01/09/2024 17:36

Ring the police - this is domestic violence. He has isolated you from your friends & family and has now laid his hands on you.
Violence usually increases in pregnancy & having young children - he has shown you who he is you now have a change to get out before you have a child with him and he is in your life in some capacity forever.

He then didn't even take responsibility and then blamed you.
He should also have dealt with his own trauma from childhood instead of bringing a child into the world and using it is an excuse for his behaviours. Because I bet he does this - which is why you have excused it previously.

Sell the house

Stop the IVF with this man

The courts can force the sale of a house or you could possibly get an order for him to be out and you live there.

You can still have a child with someone else further down the line; you say you're 30+ but that is a range of ages - so you have time on your side!
Have a baby with the right person; not someone who is completely wrong and has shown you they are before a child is even here

Yogazmum · 01/09/2024 17:53

Call the police and report the domestic violence. Take photos of your neck.
You can get a restraining order and he can’t come within a certain radius of your home.

If you’ve had the embryo(s) put back then you may already be pregnant so you can keep the baby but have this man hanging round for ever in your life….or choose to terminate and move on meet someone you can probably have children naturally with. Time is on your side. I was much older than you when I had my first.

Do not let this coercive controlling bully back into your life x

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 01/09/2024 18:54

Before you think it was your fault that this guy strangled you until you bled ...

look back to the last time you or someone else you knowfelt really angry with someone.

I don't think strangulation was involved

No unlucky-life excuses your DP's actions.

Those were illegal and very dangerous.

Men who put their hands round a woman's neck like this do escalate and can kill.

Don't let him get close enough to you to do it again.

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