Custody/visiting time examples please

[Sofie19]

Hi!

Please could you share your child custody examples with me? I am looking for how things could work. Realistically I think it's in our 4yos interest to stay with me mostly as I am so close to the school he is starting (husband moved 5 miles away) and I know that they get tired from school so young. But equally I don't want dad to just be a weekend dad and still get to see him in the week. But equally I would like to have some weekends too because I don't want to be bad cop! Happy to split school holidays etc if dad wants to (even though I have done them all to date).

Thanks

Dad may want 50/50.

my ex doesn’t see our children but the one i hear the most is every other weekend and 1 night a week for dinner and half the holidays

5 miles is no distance at all. Lots of people travel more than that to school.

I’d say with those distances, I’d suggest EOW fri to sun and a dinner in the week if your ex is agreeable to that. If not then an overnight in the week. Having done a crazy almost 50/50 schedule with my ds and his dad, I think it’s best if they stay mostly with their primary parent (this is assuming you were the parent who did the most day to day prior to the split). It’s so hard to get into a routine when they’re back and forth. However if your ex wants 50/50 it’s apparently likely that court would award that.

ETA also I would offer extra during holidays and split birthdays and christmases 50/50 in some way. If possible, best to agree everything now so that there aren’t to many unexpected issues. For example what if Father’s Day falls on your weekend or mother’s day on his?

Our kids are Monday, Tuesday night's with mum, Wednesday Thursday with us and then we alternate weekends. Holidays are also 50/50 but we got to week about then

It rather depends what your ex is willing to do.

My ex said he wanted 50:50 until he realised that meant he would have to change nappies and would require him to adjust his work life.

Then he refused to have DS overnight until he was 5 ( potty trained, and able to use a knife & fork). Since then, he sees DS for 6 hours on a Sunday, and has him for about 20 nights a year.

I hope you find an arrangement that works for you.

DDs dad never lived with us and we split up when I was pregnant so not the same as if you had along cohabiting relationship. He lived close by until she started high school when he moved 45 mins away and before that we were pretty flexible at catching missed days up / swapping days if his family were visiting or if he had random time off providing we didn't have other plans.

In terms of what was written in our court order
Parental Birthdays and Mothers / fathers day with relevant parent
DD birthday / Christmas alternated (Christmas was 12 noon Christmas eve - 12 noon boxing day giving DD time to celebrate properly, I worked term time only so just shifted Christmas to different dates)
EOW and Wednesdays

Holidays - weren't written into the contact order as it was written when she was 2 but there was an assumption of flexibility and adapting the order as she grows.

What happened in reality
Parental birthday and mother's / father's day sent as above

DD birthday / Christmas alternated until DD started secondary which coincided with her dad having another child, now I have her for her birthday and she spends Christmas with her dad's family as Christmas is nice with little ones far more magical than her spending it with me and her grandparents.

EOW never worked, DD didn't like sleeping over so he used to bring her back on Sat night and pick her up Sun morning and then we changed it so I have Saturdays her dad has Sundays everyweek

Wednesday happened until she started high school then she didn't want to travel 90 mins after school.

School holidays - I was off for all of them so if he had days off and I hadn't planned anything she could go there. If he wanted to take her away for the weekend to visit his parents that wasn't an issue as long as I had notice and we hadn't already planned anything.

Once she turned 12 I left her in complete charge of how often she sees him, we have a family Google calendar and she knows to check on there before agreeing to anything outside their normal times.

What are your ex’s work hours ? Does he have other commitments like other children, elderly parents ?

Every other weekend is a common starting point so the child can chill with both parents. As he’s only 5 miles away can he do a school drop off or pick up? Pick up on Friday and/or drop off on Monday would make sense to tag onto his weekend ? There’s 13 weeks of school holidays every year. Making his weekend a long one for each half term and some extra days during the school holidays would make sense. If he’d like to take dd on holiday then a week or two in the summer to start with and increasing it as she gets older ?

What does dad want? Have you asked him?