Divorce in Scotland

[enoughitsover]

Can someone talk me thought the process for divorce in Scotland? My husband is English and has a business based in England so I don't know if that complicates things. I work very part time as we live rurally and I have to look after the kids after school etc. my job is remote working.

Main reason for wanting divorce is complete communication breakdown and the fact that he wants us to move for the business but our lives are otherwise 100% here - all our (the kids and me) friends and family are here. He just refuses to engage with life here.

If we were to divorce could I be made to move? I expect he would argue that his work is in England so should be able to live there (despite being able to most of it remotely) so to facilitate seeing the kids I'd need to move?? And cause my work is remote I don't need to be here for my work. I don't know how these things are worked out as i know the kids will be devastated by us splitting up, but I can't move our lives hundreds of miles for someone who won't communicate with me anymore. There's no affection etc anymore, hasn't been for years.

I just want to know if I'll be made to move, how much it all costs and how long it takes...

If you married in Scotland and lived in Scotland throughout the marriage then filing in Scotland would be the norm. The location of the business is very unlikely to be a deterrent in jurisdiction. Unless he came to the divorce with less assets and has a low income there is no reason why he would want to file in England.

Based on the fact that you are settled in Scotland you won’t be asked to move. Whether you may decide to move following the divorce is another matter.

He can move to wherever he needs or wants to. It will interfere with his role as a parent and make co parenting very difficult for the children and probably for you too.

@LemonTT thank you. I know it will make it difficult if he moves, but part of the reason for breakdown in our relationship is his desire to move us all to somewhere we know nobody (other than a small number of work contacts of his) as he thinks it will be a 'better life'. (For him) So I'm assuming he will want to move there once he doesn't have to consider me, but what I was worried about is whether cause his business is there (when he needs to have meetings they are there) In mediation to sort out child arrangements would I be expected to move us all there 'for the good of the kids' as he's the main earner as I've been part time since having kids.
I'm also worried about how much it will cost us, as I know we won't agree on things, I have no idea what ballpark we are even talking...

There is no expectation that the children should be relocated to work around either of your ambitions. Courts want parents to ensure their children’s lives are not disrupted unless absolutely necessary. If one of you chooses to leave the area they live in then they need to do the work to maintain contact.

It’s a shit thing to relocate. The children have to travel to see a parent and then they to choose between seeing friends or seeing a parent when they start socialising.

As I understand - Scottish law is not as favourable to women in divorce - so it's not in his interests to file in England.
Neither jurisdiction will ask you to move with the kids to facilitate his seeing the children.

However - I can't help to notice the one-sidedness of your position. Yes - YOUR family is in Scotland. But what about him?
He moved to be in your area, close to your family. I don't think it's fair to dismiss his desire to be close to his. And in addition - it does seem that you just expect him to work and support the family and do travel, just so that you can continue living the life that works for you, not him.
Relationships require compromise. He has done it for years. What about you?

You make it as if moving to England is a terrible thing. But in reality - moving can also be exciting and kids can thrive and certainly be enriched by experiencing new places and meeting new people. They certainly will not be devastated.

Have you given a thought to how you will be supporting yourself and children once you divorce and he moves away? You will be expected to work more, and he will not be around to do his share of parenting on a daily basis. You will get child maintenance, but it won't be the same as having him supporting you and being around.

Thank you @LemonTT
@Sashya - I realise my post might sounds quite one sided (it is my side of what's happened afterall) but I just didn't want to go into all the details as it's not massively relevant to my question.

For the record however he lived here when we met, his family don't live in the UK, we lived in the city when we met and I moved rurally despite my reservations because he wanted to, and I largely gave up my good career to look after the kids (his preference). I'm a sociable person but we never go out, we rarely see my family even although they are only 30min drive away cause he doesn't really like them and always complains about it.

I'm sure moving to England or anywhere in the world as a kid can be very exciting and enriching if your parents are happy and stable, but much like having another baby to keep your marriage together, moving hundreds of miles to where the grass is greener when things are rocky is very unlikely to be enriching.

The moving thing is the straw that broke the camels back, it's something he's focussed on massively now, but actually it's the fact we just don't communicate about things properly that is the problem, he's emotionally unavailable and he provides little support with the daily juggle... I could go on, but would you really advise a friend to move away from all she knows if her relationship was that rubbish? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don't think you can be forced to move house. Sit tight.

@enoughitsover

Agreed. Moving won't help save the relationship. And he does probably focus on that as a reason to argue. And it seems that your relationship is beyond repair.

What will divorce mean for you? Will you be able to afford to live their on your own and support the kids on your part-time job +child maintenance?

@Sashya this is part of why I ask about ball park costs when you disagree on things... we both have some savings, but not massive amounts so expect most of it will be eaten up by costs and could do with having some money to tide me over...

In all honestly I am not sure how I will make it work alone financially as while I work all the hours the mids are in school, i do much reduced hours over holidays. While I hate it for the kids, as I'd love to be able to just stay in the house they know, I think we will have to sell and then I'd move to a smaller house and if we do that, I'd prefer to move to the nearest town - so still near everything the kids know and do, and still able to attend their school but more connected and more choice for after school care etc and more opportunities for me to work...

I don't know the cost of divorce in Scotland. In England, if you don't use solicitors and agree on asset division - it doesn't have to cost much. You can write up your agreement and file it with court, only paying court/processing fees - and it'll cost around £1000 here.
Do you think he'll put up a fight?
For child maintenance - you file with CMS here - I presume its similar in Scotland. And that doesn't cost you anything.

I guess the issue will come if he decides to argue for a move to England. As - while Court is unlikely to grant him that - some men like dragging women through Courts for the sake of it.

@Sashya yes, I think he will try to say we need to move... or at least he wants the kids with him - as he wants to return to where he grew up (as I say, despite no family being there anymore) and work wise it would make it easier for him as he wouldnt have to be away overnight for work meetings every couple of months.

I think i worry as my job is remote so i could do it from anywhere, so as his job is currently our main income i worry it takes priority. 'Life' wise I have friends and family here that can and do help (we share lifts a lot with good friends for example) when 1 kid has to be one place and the other somewhere else... the kids have good friends and activities they are heavily involved in and I have good friends too, people I can rely on (and I would see more of family if I'm not being stopped by H). So I feel that juggle of life would be very hard to do somewhere I know no one, and I'm worried that he could make it seem like he NEEDS to be in (south) England and could fight to move the kids with him and I'll just have to go anyway... when I'd have none of the support there and the kids would be starting over too.

I also worry as I think if the kids knew that their dad wanted to move they'd want me and them to go too, as they'd want us to be together and they aren't old enough to understand that its not that simple... I just can't move from everything I know for a man who doesn't love me anymore or vice versa. I love my kids though, so if he did successfully campaign for them to move with him I'd go, but I'd be miserable with no support. My ideal would be if he stayed here, but separately obviously, but given his current fixation I don't think that will happen.

It’s really not about where you or he wants to live. It is about where the children are settled and formed their childhood community. There is no reason to change that. If you ex wants to move away then he will be the one who needs to make the effort to maintain the relationship.

It sounds tough.
I do not think the court would rule to uproot the kids from where they are settled. And the fact that he has been living in Scotland and working his job in current set-up is not going to help him argue for the need to move.

I think that the bigger risk is him rallying the kids for an adventure of moving. And in general - it seems that it won't be easy for you to explain your reason to divorce to your kids (and hence go through with it)
In addition, your financial dependence on his income is also a problem long term. Can you make a plan for increasing your earnings?

Separately - have you considered/tried couples counselling?
Or - is there any way to placate him and delay the move? Any natural times in kids education - say transition to primary or to secondary, for e.g...

If you do end up moving the need for support networks is a chicken and egg thing in a way. When you live remotely - transportation is a big logistical challenge - so you needs for "support" are higher. In a town - it's not as difficult to ferry kids to activities on your own. Also - schools often have those activities on the premises. And - finally - kids do grow out of the age where this is an issue sooner than you think.
Moving can be difficult - and you sound scared to be in a new place.

I have moved countries and continents. All my family is a few hours flight away. I have made friends in all places I lived in. When you have small kids - it's quite easy to meet people - kids activities, park, etc.
So - if you do end up moving - you will be fine, if you keep a positive outlook,