Custody over child - how to arrange? Am I being selfish?

[Mommy987]

I am thinking about separating from my long term partner. We have a child together who is 4 and starting full time school in the next few weeks

We both work full time and once separated, my partner will be living over an hour away so my LO will be staying with me throughout the week as that is where he has always lived and where he attends school. We have discussed custody before and they want custody every weekend.

With myself working full time Monday - Friday, I feel sad that I would only spend minimal one on one time with my LO during the week with school and work, and the other parent would get the entire weekend, which is the only free time that we both have..

I have suggested every other weekend and visitation during the week after school, but they do not agree with this as they also work in the week are not prepared to drive a 2 hours round trip after work. I couldn’t imagine only seeing my LO for a few hours in the evening and no weekends.

My partner has never spent full a day/night alone with my LO if I am not around (extremely rare - maybe 3/4 nights in 4 years) as family have always been there too (no concerning reasons - just a hands on family and a partner who is happy to accept the help)

I have stayed longer in this relationship than I should have as I am terrified of dealing with split custody.

Does any one have any advice on what I should do?

The ex boyfriend is taking the piss leaving you to do the weekday drudgery and then not allowing you any down time with your kid as he plays Disney dad.
Decline his offer, as you will need some weekends with your child too.
Whoever chose to move an hour away is the one who has to travel to parent the child.
You could both go to mediation or if you both still can't come to an agreement, a court order.

Maybe Ex could live nearer than one hour away? A 2 hour round trip after work is no more than a standard commute, he can make the choice to move or to spend time travelling a few nights a week.
You absolutely don’t have to agree for him to have DD every weekend , that is unfair on her and you..you would get the stressful parts and he would get to chill with her at the weekend.
He needs to find a way to participate in her life at least once during the week.
Have you thought about who will have her during school holidays? That needs to be shared as well, otherwise you will find yourself trying to cover 13 weeks of non school time yourself. If he can’t take time off work, he will need to organise and pay for childcare during that time.

I think that most courts would recognise what you're saying and that it's deeply unfair for you to never have any downtime with your child at the weekend. Also as dc gets older they might have activities or birthday parties etc which presumably will be local to you at weekends. It's not fair for them to miss out on all of this.

I believe a general starting point in these situations is every other weekend and one weeknight which you have offered. If he's not happy with this and you can't agree then I would go down the mediation and court order route personally.

I think you get some legal advice and offer EOW and the time during the week - he is moving so he can’t argue he can’t do it

weekebd should be split 50/50

Classic Disney Dad behaviour. Do not agree to it. No court would agree to it either. Every other weekend is fair although I expect he'll soon get bored of even that

Do not agree to it.

He can have plenty of full weeks in the school holidays to have quality time with her even if he needs to use and pay for childcare.

Or he could move closer and have nearer 50:50 all year around.

You are not being selfish. I'd go through courts and stick with your suggestions (EOW & visit during the week). It's his decision to move away that far.

Courts almost never agree to every weekend with one parent, it's just not equitable. You can offer every other weekend Friday afternoon to Monday morning and half the school holidays, as well as a midweek visit if he wants.

You are totally right not to accept that. Get Christmas agreed too. Either you take turns and have the child all day every other year or you split the day eg Christmas Eve and Christmas day till say 2 with one parent then the other has afternoon and evening and Boxing Day. Alternating each year if that works for you.
I personally think splitting the day is best for the kids if journeys aren't too long. Somebody I know with an amicable split stayed at the ex's house on Christmas Eve for a few years then as each had their own family as well that changed to the day till tea time with one parent and the evening onwards with the other. Which has worked well with no drama.

I don't understand the desperate attempt to keep the sexes secret. Most likely, you are a woman and your partner is a man. But even if that's not the case, it's irrelevant and just jarring to be all coy about it. Also, statistically, behaviours of men vs women in these situations tend to go in certain directions so keeping the sex secret is not really about giving unbiased views, but rather distorts what is likely (obviously - statistical probability does not mean 100% certainty). For example, it is often the case that the man who is insisting on every weekend blah blah, very quickly backtracks on this and/or is only doing it to avoid CMS. Sad, but true (a lot of the time but not all of the time).

Ultimately, I think most courts woudl agree with you that you only having work days//nights with your DC would not be ideal. EOW and some time during the week is pretty common. Altneratively, I have seen people split the weekends eg - parent 1 has child from friday after school until Saturday afternoon/evening and parent 2 has the child from saturday evening to Monday again, alternativing weeks. I've also seen a few families where, when one parent moves away, it does mean an early start but the mid week overnight is doable - parent living away travels to collect DC in late afternoon/evening, has them overnight, and everyone gets up a bit early to make it to school the following morning.

Also, an hour is NOT that far. I have to commute for an hour just to get home from meetings to collect my children from school etc. I appreciate that an hour both ways might be a bit more irritating and/or inconvenient, but it's really not insurmountable.

Does he not have a choice but to live so far away? Can you figure that out somehow? I don’t think the term Disney dad is fair here, he’ll miss properly knowing his child- it’s the school and afterschool stuff that is more of the child stuff, the bedtime routine etc. I’ve only ever heard of every other weekend though. Saying that if it is every other weekend maybe you could tell him to at least travel over once or twice a week? Best of luck x

He is choosing to move an hour away.

Make it clear to him that you want to facilitate an ongoing relationship for them both and if he would stay closer that would be easier and he could have more time during the week.

I would start with mediation and see where it leads you.

Partners choice to move away they deal with the consequences and are responsible for travel

EOW and an evening a week is the norm.
50:50 school holidays
Christmas and birthdays alternate
Mothers/Fathers day / parents birthday spent with relevant parent.

Chances are once it all settles down they won't stick to the above as work needs change.

My DD never enjoyed sleeping over so decided to spend Saturday with me and Sunday with her dad and that's what we've done. If she has sports events or birthday parties either her dad picks her up after or she doesn't go to that day - he ofcourse has the choice to take her. If we have holidays / birthday events etc then I try to make up the time he lost with or if his family are visiting I'm flexible for him having her for that additional time providing we have no other plans. He also dropped the midweek as too much faff travelling.

Contact is for your son not his dad and should support him in having a good relationship with both parents.

Our one day each a weekend worked well for me too as I got to have a break every week, was able to take up hobbies / fitness classes as I always had the same day free. Did an OU degree knowing. Had the Sunday to write everything up.

He or she??

Mot that it matters, as such, but the ambiguity is irritating. I'm going to use He, you can switch if I'm wrong.

WHY does he need to move an hour away? That's his choice. His choice doesn't mean he gets to choose to have DC every weekend & you get to do all the week work. Nope.

you've waited this long to separate, then
decide to do it just as your DC is about to start school. That's not fair on DC.

Hes never had DC on his own, like fuck would he be having him for a whole weekend now, I'd start with a day a fortnight (and a couple of evenings, up to him whether he bothers or not). It's not fair to ship DC off for a whole weekend to someone who hasn't bothered caring for him solo up until now.

what should you do?

protect DC, tell ex to stay local or just fuck off.

Sorry my username is Mommy so I didn’t think to specify, very much used to saying my partner.

Thanks all so much for your advice.

He has no choice but to move away, without going into too much detail, but his job means he has too move which has made it more difficult.

I will look into options but I have some more clarity now which has been extremely helpful.