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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

End the marriage

16 replies

screw10 · 26/08/2024 18:49

Me and my wife go to therapy classes to help build on our trust and boundaries. My wife suffers from PMDD and it's been difficult for us both over the last 4 years to deal with. My wife had therapy for 1 year and they offered therapy to use both in order to deal with situations and feelings.

A few weeks ago I felt uncomfortable another male who she met during a work event added her on social media (Instagram) a year after the event. She didn't tell me he did but they where liking eachothers pictures and I noticed. I said to my wife it made me feel uncomfortable and after a huge row that lasted about 4 days she agreed to block him.

Today we went the gym and it posted onto the Strava fitness app where he liked it. I asked how when he was supposed to have been taken off everything. When I looked they had both been liking each others workouts on this app. I asked have they messaged and my wife said no.

I am very angry and upset that she didn't take him off this app and continued to engage with him. I asked why she didn't take him off and she said she didn't realise at first he was on there and then when he liked a few things she liked his back and she thought 'fuck you' to me because why can't she have males. My wife has males on social media, male colleagues etc but I felt uncomfortable about this particular guy.

Upset I asked my wife why when we are in therapy to build trust and be able to set boundaries she would do this as it sets our progress back and now I feel I can't trust her. She said she doesn't care if I trust her or not.

I am heartbroken that I feel it's not cheating as such but certainly leaves a window of opportunity and how am I supposed to build trust when these things are happening.

I am unsure if it's time to walk away as I feel am the only one who is trying to work on our marriage and have a healthy happy relationship. I don't trust her and it upsets me to say that but it's the truth.

OP posts:
Summatoruvva · 26/08/2024 18:53

Has she got form? I think this could be seen as controlling if I’m honest. I have a network of male friends through my kids activities and would respond in a similar way if challenged about “males”. Your version of a happy healthy relationship seems very unhealthy.

thursdaymurderclub · 26/08/2024 18:53

the day you stopped trusting her was the day the marriage ended!

Pandasnacks · 26/08/2024 18:54

I can't see any reason to demand she blocks this person unless she has form. Obviously the marriage sounds like it's on its way out but that doesn't mean you can control who she talks to like this.

Original poster
screw10 · 26/08/2024 18:56

There has been numerous times she has been messaging other men and then she blocks them when they get inappropriate. I don't understand why she interacts with them when it's been proven so many times they only want one thing. I have females on my social media from work etc and if she didn't like someone I would take them off

OP posts:
Summatoruvva · 26/08/2024 18:58

I've had to do this. It’s part of being grown up. At least she did.

Pandasnacks · 26/08/2024 18:58

screw10 · 26/08/2024 18:56

There has been numerous times she has been messaging other men and then she blocks them when they get inappropriate. I don't understand why she interacts with them when it's been proven so many times they only want one thing. I have females on my social media from work etc and if she didn't like someone I would take them off

But this guy hasn't been inappropriate, and she hasn't got form as she deletes them. Take a look at yourself and how you are behaving.

tarheelbaby · 26/08/2024 19:15

Do not underestimate how much women are attracted to attention. Provide it liberally if you want your relationship to prosper. If you fancy her, FLIRT with your wife. Your relationship depend on it. The grass is greener where YOU water it. Keep your wife's attention focused on you. Don't (ridiculously) expect her to turn down attention from other sources. Just because you don't value your cheese, doesn't mean someone else won't either. Many people thrive on the forbidden ...

I'm impressed that you're in therapy so I hope to understand better what you are trying to achieve?
With all support, what do you like about your DW and your relationship? What makes you want to stay with her?
What does she like about your relationship? Why is she staying with you?

I constantly wished my DH made more effort to engage me. I told him so. Repeatedly. But he was focused on being angry that I didn't shut down banter. Was I really supposed to disengage from colleagues because they were flirtier than my DH might like? If he had flirted more and shown more appreciation/interest, I would have engaged with my (male) colleagues less.

Some (male) colleagues are closer than others; I have a range of them. Some of them I see on apps and others give great rapport/banter in person. My DH never even considered the in-person flirters but they made my day all the time. There's a certain aspect of cheering each other through the day/week.

Original poster
screw10 · 26/08/2024 19:20

I literally worship the ground she walks on, I compliment her all the time I flirt I buy flowers I do everything I can to make sure she sees me and knows I am 100% commited and interested.

Her being diagnosed with PMDD was the best because at least we could then understand why she had outbursts. I get the whole 'banter' in a work place but I always make sure we have dates, we spend time together. I pick her up little things when am out to show am thinking about her. I honestly couldn't do anymore.

OP posts:
Cloverforever · 26/08/2024 19:42

So they are just liking each others posts on strava, nothing more? If so, you sound controlling. I

i wouldn't be told who I can and can't have as a friend on social media.

PermanentlyFullLaundryBasket · 26/08/2024 19:51

If their interactions are limited to 'likes' on social media, you are massively overreacting and trying to control her. I use Strava and Instagram in exactly the way you describe. I am not crossing any lines anywhere.

Rubyredlegs · 27/08/2024 13:38

To other posters you may come across as controlling - I just think your anxious- you love this lady and simply want and ask for reassurance. A year in therapy is an awful long time so at this stage, reassurance from her should come easy. Have a nice gentle conversation with her -

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 27/08/2024 15:36

screw10 · 26/08/2024 19:20

I literally worship the ground she walks on, I compliment her all the time I flirt I buy flowers I do everything I can to make sure she sees me and knows I am 100% commited and interested.

Her being diagnosed with PMDD was the best because at least we could then understand why she had outbursts. I get the whole 'banter' in a work place but I always make sure we have dates, we spend time together. I pick her up little things when am out to show am thinking about her. I honestly couldn't do anymore.

Does she do any of those things for you?

Mrsttcno1 · 27/08/2024 15:44

I do think unless she has form for cheating then you’re being very controlling. Both my husband & I have work friends of both genders who like our Instagram photo’s/story’s, comment on our pics, message outside of work etc, and I use Strava in the same way with various people who like things on there. If my husband told me to remove someone just for liking my pictures, I’d refuse. If he told me to block someone on all social media just because he says so, I’d refuse. I’d also be rethinking my relationship and the same as her at that point I’d be saying I don’t care if you trust me. If she has never been unfaithful before, then she should have your trust, she shouldn’t have to jump through silly little hoops of blocking work colleagues to earn it.

yestoanother50 · 27/08/2024 15:58

I have male friends on my socials, my friends' partners, and Like their Strava activities. I also follow them on socials and them me. Plus all the blokes from my old MTB club. I must be missing something if this means I'm trying to get it on with them all.

Original poster
screw10 · 27/08/2024 20:01

Rubyredlegs · 27/08/2024 13:38

To other posters you may come across as controlling - I just think your anxious- you love this lady and simply want and ask for reassurance. A year in therapy is an awful long time so at this stage, reassurance from her should come easy. Have a nice gentle conversation with her -

My wife has done a year in therapy to help with PMDD as she self harmed. Thankfully she doesn't do that now but in the weeks of her period when times are tough she has told me she is going to sleep with other men and messaged other men. Over the years her PMDD has had a massive effect on my own mental health. When my wife is having an episode she genuinely hates me and doesn't care, she breaks up with me and is nasty beyond belief. I have never experienced anything like this before. I do get jealous with how she acts and over the years the constant abuse only then for her to have a period and forget it all happend. We are now both in therapy to be able to understand her PMDD and what we both need but I feel like I am trying and she is throwing obstacles in the way. She said she kept him on the app as a 'fuck you' to still engage with him despite how it made me feel. How can you build trust when that's what she does behind my back knowing it will upset me.

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