Does it just take time?

[GreenPoet]

Hi everyone.

last year on holiday I found out my ex husband was having an affair. I caught him texting her. He lied about it when I found and completely turned it around to me over thinking and she was just a friend. Then we split and he maintained that nothing physical has happened between them until after we split and they got close because he found me hard to talk to but admitted he was texting and meeting up with her before we went on holiday. Then I found photos of them together at events before we split and he still won’t admit that he had an affair.

anyway, fast forward a year and they are still together and we are fully divorced now. I’m on the first holiday I’ve had since but with family and our two DC and I just can’t fully switch off and enjoy myself. I keep getting flashbacks to things that happened last year. When we landed I had the email off the court to say we were divorced which wasn’t great timing. I just feel like I’m surrounded by happy families. I can’t see any other single parents in the complex. Last years holiday was pretty horrendous and even though I’m with my DC and family, I feel so alone and I guess a bit envious that everyone around me is so happy and content. I keep having to get myself out of thinking, that my DC will have that family when they go away with their dad and the OW.

My question is, should I not be so much further on now then I am? I was really looking forward to switching off and enjoying time with the kids and I am, but I keep getting into these spirals and find it hard to come out of. I don’t miss my ex, separating made me realise how unhappy I was but it’s more I miss having a family dynamic. And I still hold anger for what he did.

Hi OP my ex did similar. He left after Christmas last year out the blue. He was texting a women at work emotional affair was all I could prove and I thought we were past it but turned on it had been going on for 2 years and he faked a breakdown to leave and jumped straight into a relationship with her.

I am almost a year on and on holiday right now. The last holiday abroad we got engaged. It’s bittersweet. I know he’s awful and me and the children are better off but I see happy couples everywhere and get pangs of jealousy and like you, struggling to just be content and present. Feels like it’s always in the background of my thoughts. What I will say is that I am having longer periods of time throughout the day where I don’t think about it so it is progress just takes time.

It gets better. A year is usually not long enough to recover from such a betrayal. You are mourning the loss of your hopes and dreams. The thing to do is to substitute new hopes and dreams. What do you want to do with your life? Focus on that.

The thing you have to remember about seeing happy families in public is you don't know what's really going on behind the facade. One of the things you learn from being betrayed is that a lot of people are not what they appear to be. I actually think a truly happy family is a minority of families.
Since most marriages end up in divorce, all you have to do is do the math.
Be that as it may, don't get caught up in envy and comparing your life to the lives of others. That is the biggest enemy of contentment. Just live your values and surround yourself with people who share your values.

What has helped me with the anger, thoughts of did this or that happen, jealousy etc is trying new things and working on myself. Cliche I know.

He wore me down so much I had anxiety and health problems which mostly went over the course of a few months after he left. I became so timid and on edge all the time. I wouldn’t say boo to a goose.

I’ve took up new hobbies that are active I find this helps by keeping moving and today I went to a gun range shooting targets with a 9mm gun haha. If you told me a year ago I would do something like that I would have laughed and been in disbelief.

I’ve gone on solo trips and family holidays with just my children and I think this can help as you are re writing your new normal. Which is your family unit without him.

I get the anger though my ex left for a women twice my age the person he told me is just a friend’ because she is rich.

I am angry that he continues to be destructive whilst I feel I can’t be.

Thank you. I do think I would be further on if we had just split and there wasn’t the affair side to process in my head.
it doesn’t help that we have had to nest im the marital home all this time. He’s bought me out so is staying there and I think that is tougher than I thought it would be. I know as soon as a I moved out she was over so it just sort of feels like I’ve been replaced in all parts. My DD (8) really likes her which I am pleased she feels comfortable but it’s a hard pill to swallow. DS (12) doesn’t really mention her to me.

I'm not in your situation, but I recognise the spirals you talk about from a previous situation I was in, many years ago.

My way of dealing with them was to become very self aware, so that as soon as I recognised I was going into a spiral I would mentally stop myself by thinking about something else instead.

It's wasn't easy at first, it took a lot of practice and mental strength, but it did get easier over time and eventually I could stop the overthinking almost as soon as it began. I don't always even now though, but sometimes I allow myself to have a little wallow before pulling myself back from the edge, so to speak.

Having said all of that, I do think that a year is a short time if the scheme of things and that you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. I imagine the holiday plus the email has been very triggering for you.

Oh OP… this could be my post.
I’m so sorry.
My DH admitted to having an affair 2 weeks after we came back from a lovely family holiday where he wore his wedding ring at night but was texting his girlfriend constantly (I didn’t know at the time…)
I then took DC on my own on the next holiday a few weeks ago as would have lost the money on it otherwise.
i really struggled like you. My breakup was only 8 weeks ago but I don’t think it’s fair to put time frames on any of this. It’s a bereavement process… you’re grieving for the loss of your hopes and dreams as am I.
I cried a lot and felt so isolated. DC wouldn’t leave my side so we were all pretty miserable.
I watched other families with envy as the dads played with the kids, the mums chatted or read their books etc and it made me weep behind my sunglasses for my old life…

I don’t know the answer… everyone tells me it gets easier etc but I’m still with you and dealing with the heartache and pain.
STBEXDH is living his best life with a woman young enough to be my daughter. They are out all the time (he rarely took me out!)
He's still in the marital home as we are going through the financial order at the moment so I have to deal with him coming home late or him being on the phone to her all the time. It’s horrific!

All I can say is… one little moment on holiday that did make me smile… there was a family who sat next to me on the beach most days. One day I heard one of the kids shout ‘I hate this family!’ as he walked away. So looking at what to me was a perfect scenario, clearly wasn’t all perfect.

Hope you’re ok.
Next year I’m going away with a single friend and her kids. Would that be an option? xx

Oh.. and I got an email from my solicitor to say the court had acknowledged the Divorce application half way through the holiday as well. It really set me back. So I empathise with you. Worse being away as well as I couldn’t just ring my mum or friends as they were all at work.

There is no should. I am at 13 months since we split and a month since the divorce was finalised and he's managed to make me cry twice in three days.
Splitting is nearly always crap whatever the reason for the separation. I had no choice but to divorce him but it still hurts like hell, of being without him but what he's done.

Stop worrying about the new configuration of when your kids are with their father and his partner. Just hope for them to have a good time but they are coming home to you. I know it's pants but you're hurting yourself.

Give yourself time and don't be so hard on your self. Be your own best friend.

Thanks everyone and I’m sorry to hear about everything you have all been through as well.
i just fill my mind with what if’s. What if the kids enjoy their time with him more. What if they want to stay with him and her more. What if they like her better than me. It sends me down a rabbit hole.
the last few years of our marriage weren’t great, I don’t doubt separating was for the best but what happened with the OW has left me so bitter and resentful. I need to find a way to stop feeling that way.

If they are happy with them then that is better than them being miserable. It doesn't mean they don't love you anymore or love you less. Bitterness is understandable. I feel in my case it's just not fair and I feel like a two year old. Have your time to feel all the shitty things you do. Suppressing them just means you can't process them and everything will take much longer to get through. You have to allow the feelings for them to be dealt with and let go.

So it sounds like you feel like you should be over things after a year. However, if you think about it, none of us go into marriage expecting a bad ending to it and a year is not a lot of time to deal with the emotional fallout.

Getting over a divorce is not just about getting over the end of the relationship. It’s also getting over the end of the dream and the ideal of the life together that you had. This may be why the seeing other couples and families together can be quite painful. I think this feeling during and after divorce is quite normal. I couldn’t stand to be around happy couples for at least a year after splitting from my ex husband. I felt right at home though amongst divorcees, other singles and the bereaved. Meet up groups can be great for meeting people who have been through similar and can help you feel less lonely.

The pain of divorce and the anger takes time. I also think the flashback feeling is quite normal too. Took me at least 2 years to get over the anger. Still get angry some days and still have days when I can’t really believe what happened.

Re concerns that your ex will be having a happy family experience with the other woman, kids want to spend time with their parents really and the OW will never have the place you have in your children’s hearts so you can put that out of your mind.

You will feel better. You can have an amazing new chapter. Be kind to yourself, you’ve been through one of life’s toughest experiences. You are strong and things will get better. Letting go of expectations on feeling happier or over it and letting go of putting a time scale on that, may help you feel better. It will take what it takes. There are no rights or wrongs here. It is worth focusing on doing more of what makes you feel better though.

I'm angry too and hurt. He's behaved unbelievably badly, hence me divorcing him, but how he's been since has just compounded the confusion and hurt.