Leaving abusive ex - he won't move out

[NC457]

I have ended my relationship with my son's father, who has been emotionally abusing me and controlling me since my 1yo ds was born.

We both have our names on the lease and live rurally, with limited options. There is a house in a village 30 mins away but it is even more remote and away from my whole support system.

He is sleeping at a friend's but keeps coming back and taking baths, hanging his laundry up, etc. Whenever I raise the subject of him moving his stuff out, or taking his name off the lease, he gets angry and shuts me down and says why would he take the name off the lease as it is his house too. He says he isn't even planning on taking his name off and moving out if he gets a job elsewhere (he is about to receive his interview results). It feels like the last bit of control that he doesn't want to give up.

I really don't want to move my son away - and I put a lot of money into renovating this house - do you think I could just change the locks and move his stuff out? Or put bolts on the door so I feel safer and then hopefully he gives up and moves away? I'm at a loss of what to do here. Is this common when someone ends an emotionally abusive relationship? I don't understand why he is doing this.

The lease? Do you mean mortgage? You can't renovate a rented house.

If he also owns the house or is on the lease, you can't lock him out. He has a legal right to be there.

You keep saying lease so I assume it's a rental. You are going to have to give the landlord notice of moving out (you) and finding somewhere else. Your x can sort himself out.

Also wondering why you’ve spent money renovating, I’ve painted rentals with permission but I wouldn’t have invested anything beyond that in a property I didn’t own. But that’s irrelevant to who moves out. You each have a right to live there. You can dump him but you can’t kick him out anymore than you’d want him to be able to do it to you. I’d look at your own options, even if it means moving half an hour away.

You can renovate when it's a council house with permission, and there were no floors etc when we moved in.

Have you reported the abuse to anyone? Health visitor? Gp? Police?

I've reported it to the healthy visitor and women's aid, but no not the police.

Can you speak to your housing officer? That might be a good first step.

I suggest you speak with the housing officer and ask what happens when there is a relationship split but two people on the lease. For instance does the one looking after any children have a higher priority in staying or do you both have to leave/re-apply for the house etc. I'm sure they will have their own procedure that you will need to follow. Until then you cannot stop him from entering or staying in the house as he has a legal right to do so.

Hi, I work in domestic abuse. Refer yourself to the local domestic abuse service and say you want advocacy/ advice around housing. They can explain your options and/or speak to the housing department on your behalf. They should complete a DASH risk assessment with you. This is important as separation or any change where your ex loses power/control can increase the risk of escalating abuse. Please don’t do anything without getting expert advice first, it’s safer for you and your son if there are professionals
around you who are aware & who can offer options to protect You.

also.. if you told a health visitor and they didn’t complete a DASH or signpost you to domestic abuse services, that’s really poor practice. If that’s the case, I’d urge you to tell the domestic abuse service as would show your local health visitors need training.