Co parenting teens with a narcissist

[zizzirocket]

Would appreciate hearing from anyone with similar experiences. I have a ds 14 and a dd 16. Up until last couple of years, they both did 50/50, but increasing difficulties in relationship between dd and ex has meant she is more often with me. I feel like when she does go, it's either to keep him happy or to look out for Ds. Or both. Dd is mostly targeted by ex who makes misogynistic derogatory comments about her behaviour. He gets angry for small things and makes everyone cry. Ds doesn't really talk much about how he feels; i think he doesn't want to 'tell' on ex to me and doesn't want to 'tell' on me yo ex. He very much tows the party line to keep everyone happy. I'm worried for the kids mental health. Please share any helpful experiences with me if you have them.

Sorry OP no advice just wanted to let you know I feel for you and your situation. Does XP actually want them to go to his given he's so unpleasant or is he just making them visit so he can control everyone and stop them enjoying life without him?
How are things overall compared to when you were together- do you all get enough tlc to get you through the stress with him? Do you all have good support networks?

I don't really know tbh. He's always been preoccupied with 50/50 and the court order and everything being 'fair'. I don't feel he's adjusted to them growing up, i.e. he still thinks of time as being either 'mine' or 'his' and not the dcs. So probably the latter scenario in your message now that i think about it. I have a great support network but I'm worried that the dcs don't have enough. They have friends but i want them to have more adults they can turn to really. I'm worried about how his behaviour will shape them as they become young adults. I wish there was more professional support really, or maybe there is and i just don't know about it.

At their age they can just say 'no' and I'd be supporting them to do that they won't be toing and froing forever and it's in their power to stop it now if they don't want to.

If you think getting them a therapist might help them then give it a try so they have another adult to talk to but I'd expect it to take a while for them to open up properly which might be financially prohibitive.

Yeah, when dd first said she didn't want to follow the court order anymore, i fully supported her and took it back to court to ensure the legalities backed her up because i was worried he might try to enforce it. And now she's 16, she's completely free of legal obligation. But ds still follows it, and says he's happy to continue doing so. But I'm not sure if he truly is, or if he's just trying to keep everyone happy.

I’d suggest some therapy for your children to have a safe space for them to explore how they feel.
Im lucky in that my narc ex didn’t really want to be a dad so he didn’t. Now he is non longer in one adult child’s life through their choice not his- he sees his other adult child approx 4/5 times a year.
In your situation another adult encouraging your children to realise that parents should put you first and not them…and to encourage them to trust their gut and not stay where they don’t feel right. I doubt they have any real developed self worth if they are used to their dad shouting and undermining them and not prioritising their feelings so therapy would be good…

I have 12yo and 10yo DDs and this is the situation I'm in. They cry about going back there. He's obsessed with "his time" and it being fair on him. I have just filed a c100 and am getting help from a solicitor for his need to control everything. I'm sorry I have no advice only solidarity and your post and the replies are very helpful.

@CatMum10 I'm sorry to hear you're going through something similar, glad you're able to get help from a solicitor. I hope they're able to shine a light on the behaviour to the court to influence the outcome. I couldn't afford solicitors, and the judges I've seen haven't been interested in my supporting statements. I'm sure they saw it as just a disagreement between us about how to manage the arrangements, which was really frustrating.

I think that's what i mean about professional help; like how do you get organisations that are supposed to help the children to actually see and understand what is happening and how it's impacting them? The school have been sort of ok, but I've never felt completely believed.

I have the same worries - as last time my solicitor was next to useless. This time I filled the forms in myself so I've been able to put a lot more information in. Also last time ex was the one who served me with papers so I only got a 3cm box to respond to each allegation. My ex is emotionally and verbally abusing our children. They make endless excuses for him. "He's angry because of work, he doesn't mean it". I've had very stressful jobs and managed to not call a 10yr old a C word for asking a question. I feel like his behaviour is becoming normal for them. I don't speak to my own parents because they were abusive neither do 3 of my siblings. I've done so much to try and "break the cycle", and he's undoing it all. The worst thing is they cannot see it for themsleves so this wont be communicated to the cafcass officer. I've gone to a women's refuge that offered us a place when they were small. I explained everything he's doing to me and DDs and they offer outreach/day sessions on resilience, coercive control and recognising abuse. They're helpful even if you're not currently in an abusive relationship. They're going to be offered counselling after the emergency hearing. It seems very OTT to me - but then again I have a history of not feeling like things are "bad" enough to need this sort of help. I can't trust my own judgement so we are accepting the help at the risk of it being too heavy handed. Worst case scenario is they tell us we don't need the service but they come out of it knowing that it's not acceptable for their dad to scream and shout at them. Do you have anything like that? Womens Aid signposted me to them.

Yes we do have women's aid here, i didn't have a great experience with them when i was leaving XP, but i might look into their services again, see if they can help DCs at all, as that was all a long time ago now, things may well have changed.