Me and my husband have been together for 12 year and married for almost 6, we have 2 DC who are 9 and 5. He’s always been a relatively poor communicator, very self sufficient, doesn’t really talk about emotional things and prefers to manage mainly alone. I think he sees himself in a partially traditional role, very much the provider and carer. I’m the opposite, very emotional and will talk to anyone about anything. I’m also a bit of a cryer! The last year has been really difficult, he had a cancer diagnosis in the family and a big promotion at work has been incredibly stressful. Since our children were born I have essentially given up work to take care of them, only working odd shifts now and then. Colleagues who I started with have gone on to get promotions and more qualifications whilst I have been left behind. I absolutely don’t resent my family for this and it’s been a privilege to have the time at home to bring up our children, but my career has suffered at this expense of his.
This last year things have got worse and worse, we were hardly speaking and despite trying to spend more time
together, date nights with/without children, weekends away, days out etc, we just ended up resentful and sniping at each other all the time. Neither of us wanted to spend time together and he had retrospectively said that he knows what I was trying to do but that it felt forced and uncomfortable for him. So we agreed to a trial separation. He spends a lot of time away for work and we have just told our children that we’re taking some time apart to learn how to be kinder to each other and less grumpy with everyone.
The thing is, the first week or two of the separation I didn’t message him at all. When he messaged about the children I replied and facilitated phone calls between them (tricky sometimes with time differences!) and we just spoke about them. This last few days, he is texting more and we talk more when he comes to see them. He is talking more about work and marginally more conversational than we have been in 12 months.
When I suggested seeing a couples counsellor he said that’s something he could have done 12 months ago but that he feels now that’s something you do when you know you want to make it work, and that he doesn’t know how he feels. He has said that he doesn’t want to come back now and be in the same position in 5 years or 10 years and be back here again.
My feeling is that he’s just completely overwhelmed by everything and that something had to give. But I don’t know what to do now! Give him an ultimatum? Give him more time and space? It’s only been a couple of weeks. He is staying close by and we both make sure to see the children regularly and allow them whatever contact they want and need, and are cooperating with each other so far as we can do. It’s just so hard to know how to move forward with someone who doesn’t know which direction they want to move in!
all advice welcomed :)