Think my 12 year relationship is over but need advice

[Nerual23]

Hello

so … I’m reaching out because I need perspective on my 12 relationship (7 years dating 5 years married)

I have three big issues in my marriage, one of these issues has been an issue from the start of our relationship and the other two more in the past 4 years.

ill address the issues from the start of our relationship. We both have very different sex drives (I want it a lot more than him) he also struggles with ways of showing affection, flirting, telling me what he loves/likes about me etc. it’s something I feel has eaten away at my self esteem and confidence for the entirety of our relationship. In hindsight I know I should have ended things early days but I genuinely loved him and thought hopefully in time we will make it work … it’s never really worked. Many a night has been spent crying myself to sleep after another knock back in bed whilst I hear him snoring.

second issue. He’s a golfer, loves the game! But golf is like the other woman in the relationship! Again in the early days of our relationship he would prioritise it over us but again I was happy for him (as time has gone on though and having our son I resent the game and literally I could scream at him when he goes golfing when I’m stuck with working childcare etc whilst he swans off for possibly 5-6 hours a time with friends: He does just golf a Friday afternoon now and occasionally on a Saturday. But I literally hate the sport now I have such a hatred for it!!

Third issue Is baby number two, I’m desperate for number two. We already have a 4 year old but I’ve always wants more than one, and he’s always known that. He does not.

im 37 this year and had bad preeclampsia with my boy. I would like to get baby number two out of the way as I know it’s probably won’t be an easy pregnancy. I have been having conversations now with my husband about baby number 2 for the past two years, trying to get him on board but he’s really not for it as he says he found it really hard work with our first. We had a risky pregnancy with our first and he came 3 months early at the height of covid, I completely get my husband reasoning but things are so different now, I will be monitored more closely this time, we’re not in a pandemic ither. But he won’t have it and it’s killing me and my body is desperate for another child.

by December 2023 I had had enough!! It was always me asking him to put more effort into our sex life and at one point diarising sex!! Which he never stuck to!! Or me telling him how much the golf was eating up our free time together as husband and wife.

id decided in February 24 that I wanted to separate. Both our hearts were truly broken.
but he has made no effort to change or try.

he is a good hard working man. He is clever and gorgeous and great father and man, he just lacks prioritising me as his wife I feel.

I have found other accommodation but will not be ready until October so we are currently living together. It’s very hard and heart wrenching especially as he won’t talk to me about our issues. When I questioned him the other night about things between us he said he’s not been trying as I told him I wanted to separate!! Shouldn’t he still be trying??

both our parents are very sad and somewhat angry (at me) about my marriage breakdown.
they believe we should stick at it and keep
going and have another baby but husband won’t take it on board.

His mother does not speak to me now as I’ve decided to separate from her son (typical OTT matriarch btw) which puts pressure on me as they look after our son on a Friday so I can work but she does not acknowledge me and barely says a thing to me … all in front of my son too, which really bloody annoys me!

I suppose the question I’m asking is am I doing the right thing? I feel I am as I really don’t think he is going to change I don’t think he has it in him to change. He tells me he loves me and doesn’t want this to end but then I get no effort because I’ve said I want a separation!

m brain feels pickled and cloudy and I want outsiders to tell me what they think.

thanks for reading xx

If you’ve said that it’s over then it’s fair for him to stop making an effort to change… but it sounds like he never did make that effort.

Grief over baby number 2 is really hard. Rationally, you’re not much more likely to have a second child if you leave the marriage unless you’re up for using a sperm donor? But I understand that being around the person who has denied you that chance is very very painful.

If everything else was good but still no baby 2, would you want to stay?

There is an awful lot about your needs in the post and not much about his or compromise from your end.

You have always had a higher sex drive, he has always liked golf. What has changed is your tolerance of these.

And, if you end a relationship, you can’t expect him to keep trying.

As for the biggest thing, the second child, you haven’t said what you had discussed or agreed in advance. Who has changed their mind here?

What is unfair is parental judgment. Marriages end and, unless there has been a massive betrayal, parents should keep out of it and be friendly to both of you.

As to whether you are doing the right thing, it sounds like you are. What could change that would make you happy long term? Maybe you should have marriage counselling, if only to explore the best way to amicably divorce and be good coparents.

It seems pretty straightforward. You want another baby and he doesn't, so if the 2nd child is more important to you than your relationship with your husband the yes, you are doing the right thing in separating so that you can find someone to have a child with.

You clearly have different love languages and the poor communication as a result has had an effect on your self esteem. Separating will allow you to find someone else more compatible with your love language style.

With the differences you describe your marriage would take a lot more communication and compromise than some others who are on the same page re number of children and love language. If you can't come to agreement and both be happy with compromise then you should separate.

I wonder if you are giving up just as things are about to get a lot better? Parenting gets a lot easier in the 5 - 10 phase, so in a couple of years you probably won’t mind being at home with your son while he goes out to golf. It will feel less like childcare and more like relaxing at home.

The lack of compliments -‘telling me what he loves/likes about me etc’
I honestly don’t think that anyone (male or female) should rely on compliments from their partner to support their self esteem. If I look good in the mirror (which although not every day I think is fairly often!) I tell myself that rather than waiting for my DH or someone else to do it. Ultimately we all have to be our own Number One fans in life, or who else will be?

Is this a break-up issue or just transitioning from a young relationship into a mature relationship? This would happen regardless of whom you were with.

Lack of sex and affection is a big issue. But, is it just less than you would like or is he withholding it completely?

Second baby - I think that you have to go with what he wants, regrettably. Although many women would have had a contraceptive failure by now.

Be quite sure before you pull this plug because, from how you describe him, I think he would find a new relationship quite swiftly.

Any thoughts @Nerual23?

There’s a lot of things here that you seem to be listing off that you want him to change. I wonder if a compromise might work better? Not including the 2nd child of course. If he doesn’t want this then that’s his choice. As sad as it is for you. There’s no guarantee you’ll meet someone else that will slot into a second baby either.

I disagree he should be making an effort though. Why should he? You’ve told him you don’t want to be with him.

I'm like you, I overlooked things that then became the reason for the split. I never married tho.

I think in short, he is not your personal ten out of ten, so I would leave. It will become easier when you aren't living together.

But you might not get a second baby.

The sexual compatibility, how often are you having sex and how often do you want it? It's hard to know if you're being unreasonable without knowing that.

Not getting enough words of affirmation when you need them is just different love languages, is this something that could be addressed in counselling?

I don't see an issue with him having a hobby he does on a Friday and the occasional Saturday. You knew this when you got with him, it almost sounds like you're jealous of golf and see it as competition. This is a you problem.

The second baby, he sounds scared understandably when it sounds like you and your son were at risk from the pre eclampsia and him being born 3 months early then throw in covid. Would he be willing to address this with a Councillor?

His mums out of order but you're also out of order for wanting him to keep trying when you've said its over. You need to be clear, is it over or is there hope if he changes before October.

Hi guys

Thank you so much for all your different opinions, it has been very helpful.

just a few things to add, my husband has been against counselling for a long time. His response is, if I find it difficult to talk to you how will I be able to talk to a stranger? I’ve explained that having a stranger is a good thing as they don’t know us but he will still not go.

I think I agree I have a problem with his golf hobby. I hate it with every inch of me. I’ve played second fiddle to it for 12 years and since my sons been born 4 years ago I’m slowly realising I won’t head into my 40s still playing second fiddle to his hobby. I agree it is a me problem but I believe I’ve understandably had enough.

I want to have another baby with him not anyone else. That’s the sad part! But he won’t compromise its a straight no. I respect his choice I’m just having a really hard time dealing with his decision when it’s myself who has to do the 9 months pregnancy, juggle work and house and 4 year old. Pisses me off that he decides when all of the above is left to me to manage.

I feel as if we have grown apart, I’m a different woman to who I was when we first met. I want to grow with him but he doesn’t seem to want to grow with me.

we have sex possible 2/3 times a month, only when he’s up for it. When I feel in the mood I can’t put across my feelings to him because of the fear of being declined yet again. I’ve stood in front of him in full suspenders and thing and was told he’s watching the golf, so I sat in my outfit and watched the golf with him and we went to bed to sleep afterwards, I still have reoccurring thoughts about that moment and relive how it made me feel. I felt like such a stupid idiot.

I have low self esteem and confidence and he knows this and still doesn’t champion me when he can see I’m struggling.

if he had come to me and said I was making him unhappy as a wife and wanted to separate my first response would be, what can I do to change, what can I do to help? I’m just shocked he’s not saying this to me, he’s just said well you told me it was over, what am I supposed to do? I believe if someone loves you they would do more?

I can live without another child as sad as it would be but I will struggle to live with the man who decided this for me.

x

‘I believe if someone loves you they would do more? ‘

Do you think DH might feel he could say the same thing? You hate his ‘hobby’, has he ever tried to get you interested in it, have you tried to be interested ,or is it a closed shop? Too late now , I guess, but if you embark on another relationship it might be worth seeing whether you could find some mutual interest even though it might be more intense for DP. My DH is very keen on cricket ( posssibly the most boring game ever invented and it goes on for FIVE days) but I have done my stint on the teas, listened to Test Match Special in the car, picked him up from the station when he’s been to Lords…..and he has lumped a LOT of clay around for me, driven me to specialist suppliers etc etc. , trudged round exhibitions.

it might be worth bearing in mind for next time.