Divorce and new relationship

[Drowningmum]

A bit of background my husband and I have 2 kids (age 5 and 1) and have been separated since September last year, affectionless relationship, very much just roommates that chose to try for babies very clinically and despite my best efforts to try to attend therapy etc over a 5 year period it fell on deaf ears, my friend gave him a flat to stay in for 5 months then he had to move back in here for a couple of months until he found something more permanent but I have sold the house, he has a new place and I am moving on too.
We are still great friends and he has our son once a week overnight but sees him every day. Our 1 year old he isn’t comfortable taking overnight though as she is bf and very clingy.
we have all been great friends with a guy for the past 15 months that moved in nearby and over time things have become romantic between us, he spent everyday with the kids prior to anything romantic happening due to me having no support network and he was giving me time to study etc (hubby was more than happy with this and still is even now it is romantic).
things have been tough, I lost my dad on Christmas eve very suddenly and lost my mum 5 months prior so have no family and I don’t have any friends either. I home educate my eldest as he has ASD and ADHD and the schools around here are atrocious, thankfully hubby and I have always been on the same page with that.
Now I am on my own every night with the kids, (new partner works every night) trying to complete my honours degree, home Ed, looking after a baby, son won’t sit indoors, struggles to sleep before 11pm, is still in nappies, didn’t cope in any childcare environment after almost a year of trying so I was advised to remove him, I am feeling completely burned out and his behaviour around my new partner is atrocious.
he is violent, abusive and this has only been very recently, we are not affectionate in front of the kids at all but he just wants to stay with his dad every night and it is hurting me so badly. My problem is, I don’t have the energy or mental capacity to do EVERYTHING 24/7 and I need a little bit of help. Is it really such a bad thing having the only support I have come to help out for a few hours a day whether it be watching my youngest to allow me 1-on-1 time with my son or to have some rough play with my son to tire him out a bit and let me spend time with my baby?
the mum guilt is real 😞😞😞

I think it’s a really difficult situation all round and I don’t think there is any perfect answer that would make everyone happy. If you only separated from his dad less than a year ago and already you have a new man in his house every single day (and sounds like this has been the case from day 1?), of course your child is going to lash out. He’s old enough to have some understanding of the situation. Parents separating is stressful enough for kids without a step dad appearing seemingly straight away, although I appreciate you saying this wasn’t initially romantic, to a 5 year old it’s “daddy out, new man in”. He doesn’t understand why this stranger is here instead of his dad, he’s unsettled, he’s not happy about that. It is, in all honesty, far too much too soon to expect a child to be able to just accept that and nor is it healthy to push it on him.

If my husband and I were to separate tomorrow and I met someone else they absolutely would not be spending time with my child every day less than a year from now. My husband wouldn’t be okay with that and if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t be okay with that either.

I don’t really understand your question. There are lot of choices involved in your life that you and in some cases your ex have signed up to. These are causing you stress and burn out. Your solution is to let your boyfriend provide child care. Someone who must be a recent addition to the child’s life.

The child is clearly rejecting this in a way that indicates he is stressed. This is the only thing he can do as a child. Because he doesn’t have your choice or autonomy.

I think the onus is on you and your ex to reconsider the way you are co parenting and prioritising your time.

So my ex has just started a new job working 4am-2pm an hour away from here so the time he has to offer is incredibly limited. He spent a long time finding work so him leaving is not an option. I think I probably should have noted that 50% of the time my son is a dream to new partner, he tells him he loves him and actually asks to call him at work every night because he misses him.
for such a long time I considered just staying in the marriage unhappy and I’m now scared that I have been selfish for wanting to be happy and now that will impact my kids negatively.
it all just feels impossible and I did consider a nanny but it would be no different, it would be a complete stranger coming into his space so would likely evoke an even worse reaction, at least he has known my partner for almost a year and a half.

A nanny would be massively different in that there are clear and obvious lines there, they are a professional, come for a purpose and leave at X time. No different to school, nursery or a childminder. And is far less emotionally complicated to deal with than mum’s boyfriend and a replacement for dad.

It seems way to soon for a new partner not sure how that will work

How many days a week is your exh working? He needs to step up a bit here and take his kid away out in the evening sometimes. I know that's a 12 hr shift but you're on 24/7. He's going to have to get used to your new partner, like he would anyone else helping you out, meltdowns aren't unusual with add so I wouldn't automatically assume it's personal because of the relationship, especially if he's not aware you're a couple.

I think it was far too soon to be bringing a new man into your small children’s home and trusting him with them - but it’s done now and you can’t take it back without likely confusing your five-year-old even more.

If your ex truly can’t won’t take on any more childcare (which he needs to find a way to do) then I agree with previous poster that exploring an au pair or part-time nanny would be an excellent idea. Apart from anything else, all this is a lot of pressure to put on a new relationship: at a time when you’re supposed to be in the honeymoon stage, your boyfriend is having to take responsibility for a young baby, a child with special needs, and a lot of stress and demands in your lives. A childcare worker offers routine and structure and would take a lot of the pressure off - which is going to be better for all of you in the long run, if you’re hoping for this relationship to work out.