Parenting Plan/Child Arrangement Order

[Marble20]

Please can I ask you for your advice for anyone who has been there/done that - what should I make sure I have included in a parenting plan or child arrangement order?

For context - Ex-H has taken me right through family court for more access to our child which he has been unsuccessful in getting. We're at the final stages (I hope!) and I want to get a parenting plan agreed or additions to our final child arrangements order.

It needs to be watertight as Ex-H is the kind that will take a mile if offered an inch/will manipulate anything that isn't crystal clear. I know the term 'narcissist' gets thrown around a lot...but that's him.

I have the basics like who our child spends their time with, how to split special occasions, what happens if they're unwell, introducing new partners etc. Our child is only 2 years old so school etc isn't relevant yet.

Is there anything I should make sure is in there? Anything you wished you had included?

Thank you

Why do you need so much included?
these are children, not property

If you ex is a narcissist, or just displays narcissistic traits then you need to set appropriate boundaries. You will both have time with the child to parent as you both want to and see fit. It is inappropriate for either of you to try to control who they see (unless there is a safeguarding issue) or when new partners are introduced. These are none of your respective businesses.

Agree the dates and times of exchanges. How holidays are agreed and who has the on special days. When you are both parenting you are responsible for their well being if they are unwell. You will need to communicate about this but you should use a tool. Whilst this could be informal this won’t work for a narcissist so just pay for a co parenting app.

Cafcass website has a sample one and good advice.

But also if he's a narcissist he'll get round anything, tbh

I have divorced a man like him and yes, you need every details included as he will exploit even the tiniest loop hole.

who does pick up and drop off and times
how to communicate and agree changes of plans , days and times
payment of child care fees
who supplies clothes, toys , equipment like car seat and buggy
process for taking child abroad / holidays / to see family
who decides where child goes to nursery and school ( I know your child is 2 but it’s not like your ex will magically change into a reasonable person in the next few years )
what if child is sick
what if parent is sick
when you need to communicate with other parent when you have the child. No point in saying “ when child is sick “ - does that mean has a runny nose or is in hospital ?

Theres no point in trying to control what he does when he has your child, who child meets wtc , it’s all about the handovers etc .

It's a common enough issue I have read that a bad ex will often take the piss with clothes and belongings. Refusing to return stuff or only sending back stuff that is too small while keeping the good stuff, not buying anything themselves, sending kids back with a bag of dirty laundry etc. I read one situation where the dad was selling the nice clothes out of spite to 'recoup' the child maintenance.

Could you put in a clause about returning all clothes/belongings that went with the child and all stuff at his house needs to be bought by him?

To clarify - I'm not trying to control how they spend their time/who with or anything like that. Those of you who are 'in the know' of how narcissists operate will understand why I need watertight boundaries around the things that are in my control!

We have a parenting app set up already so that's the way we communicate.

Thank you for all your suggestions - I really appreciate it. I hadn't considered the clothes/toys & to specify the illness side of things either. Good suggestions!

I understand. It's hard to anticipate what he might exploit, but be careful with the wording you use. Look to take out ambiguity that he could use later in ways that are not in the spirit of co-parenting and are about his control.

You've clearly never dealt with manipulative men who will exploit any loophole to make life difficult for you or your children!

Who will choose the nursery/school when the time comes? Can you future proof it?

Also specify nursery/school pick ups - who is allowed, who isn't, absolutely check your wording, have witnesses. Look out for AI in his communications.

Will try to future proof as much as I can! Although I think he'll use any excuse he can find to drag me back into court

I certainly have dealt with manipulative man who tries to control things!

my point was you can’t document everything, and trying to control when they can introduce child to partner etc is madness, as well as recognising that a child’s ( and parents) needs and patterns will change over time. Being too prescriptive may actually not be in ops best interest over time,

Cafcass website use the Our Family Wizard parenting plan as a good suggestion which has made me consider things I hadn't thought about before. But sickness, religion if applicable, who holds the passport, were some of the ones I hadn't considered.

Maybe a clause that if the child has a special event ie a friend's birthday party or a football game that contact is rearranged in the child's best interest.

If the other party disagrees just ensure you state that as per the children's Act contact is a child's right not a parents.

Also maybe an agreement that if the child is with their father and they wish to seek childcare arrangements that you are asked first and any alternative carers are mutually agreed.

Who decides extra curricular activities ? Who pays ? Who takes and collects if it falls on both parents days ?

Who decides on nursery ? School ?

What happens if ds is invited to a party on a weekend ? Who supplies gift and card? Who takes and stays?

Is your ex the same religion as you ? Do you get warnings of upcoming special religious occasions eg confirmation ?

Who gets the child benefit?

Does your ex have different dietary restrictions to you? Eg if he’s a vegan and you are not then he can’t insist ds eats vegan at your house

Medical appointments - who books dentist ? Optician ? Who books and takes to GP? What info should be passed onto the other parent and how quickly ? If ds has say some Calpol at parent 1’s house then time must be reported to parent 2 so they don’t give too much.

Is he at nursery ? Do nursery contact both parents separately or does one have to pass on messages to the other? By messages I mean ds specific things (eg a party) as well as generic whole nursery messages (eg a trip) . Who pays for nursery trips? Does nursery do reports for each parent separately or does one have to send the other a copy ? What