Should I throw in the towel?

[Pineapplecake23]

I'm really considering being a single parent, but I can't tell if things will get better and I will screw us all over? Can you give me your perspective?

The issue is financially I am very dependent until the kids (2 under 2) get older. I have started work part time but it isn't enough to keep us afloat.

He was a dream with our first, but it's going downhill rapidly and he isn't who I married.

I do all day, all night with the kids, the house, everything and go to work completely dead.

He is becoming so grumpy and always swearing. I leave him to have a shower and by the time I'm downstairs chaos has ensued and he is in a mood and swearing. Even when he says I can rest, I have an ear out incase I need to intervene. I have tried to communicate, I've even written it down for him, my boundaries, not to shout at the kids..he generally denies it or says I'm just sensitive.

Am I being too precious? I know a lot of people can shout or swear. So is the swearing and moods not a good enough reason?

I think I just feel that as his moods are escalating that as children get more challenging it will only get worse and I think I see it as a red flag..mainly the denial of it and passing it off as ok. That it only takes one time to lose it and something happen..

He always acts hard done by..me and the youngest sleep on a sofa bed permanently he can't cope on it 🙄 I asked one night in a bed and he says it's your choice to be on the sofa. I guess he always turns everything onto someone else.

He got caught speeding the other day and he managed to turn that into being the police fault for being there...he doesn't seem bothered by it at all
He has a DRO (I bailed him out of some debt but it was too much) and I said that it will effect renting ect but he always has to be right and is adamant that it won't effect him at all. I guess the complete denial of reality so he can be right is driving me mad. There is a lot more that I feel he jeopardised us all just to be "right" that to me is serious but to him nothing, I don't want to waffle on.

I'm not easy either though, I am highly strung and meticulous with being organised. I risk assess everything and overthink.

So maybe we are so opposite we aren't compatible? I'm sure he would find many other faults in me. I'm trying to see my part in this.

Basically am i wrong to divorce in the thick of it? Am I overreacting and blind to my faults?

Would I even manage on my own or end up in complete poverty and kids suffer?

No he won't. I wasn't sure if he could be removed? Like if he refuses to go, or gets nasty as he is on no documents? I don't want it to go that way, but just need to think of all scenarios.

If he won't go then you will have to go instead. I'd start making plans for that possibility.

Of course if he hit you, you could get the police to remove him and get an injunction to keep him away.

It’s going to be hard to get him to leave if he doesn’t want to, be prepared for that.

I’d start with a solicitor, lots offer a free 30 mins/hour just so you can get an idea of what is needed.

Good luck! X

I am a single parent and even though its lonely as hell, I think its best sometimes.
I found I was unhappier by far, staying in an unhealthy relationship. You dont want to raise your kids in a toxic environment either, as this plays a huge part in their development and lives ahead.
you can thrive as a single mum, although sadly there is still some stigma to it.
in 2024!, but who cares! Think of your wellbeing and sanity. My sister is in this exact situation and shes miserable.

the financial dependency can sometimes come across as financial abuse. You can put in a claim for benefits to help you out, and try to find work around the kids when you are ready.

you will manage just fine on your own! But if you are truly unhappy then it might be time to move on.

This website comes highly recommended: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/deciding-what-to-do-when-you-separate/

Good luck, OP, you and your kids will be so much better off without him.

Then you simply ask him to leave. Maybe ask for an auntie or two to be there when you ask him.

He may actually be relieved to have it finished and over with, as it sounds like he is deeply unhappy too. Many people, but men especially, have no idea what life with small children is like - or appreciate that it’s pretty temporary. In 2 years they’ll be at school/preschool pretty much full time, sleeping through the night, talking and able to communicate their needs, potty trained. If he can’t see that, let him go.

Please ask your family for help and support - you can do this.

You should have left him already.

I sympathize with you so much. He sounds like my ex… I was worried about shared custody before I left but once we’d separated my ex’s behaviour with the DC improved because he realised they would not want to continue seeing him if he didn’t step up. When you’re stuck with him he feels entitled to do whatever he wants with no consequences, it’s so much better when you have your own space. Do you think he'll want much time with the kids and they will be safe with him when he’s parenting solo? Maybe he'll be happy to do the minimum?

I ended up finding accommodation for my ex and moving his things out it sounds ridiculous but it was the only way to get him moving. You're right to think that it doesn’t get better with a person like this, he has no interest in taking responsibility for his own behaviour. If in any doubt a helpful book is Lundy Bancroft’s - Why does he do that - inside the mind of angry and controlling men.
Please do be careful when you leave in case his behaviour escalates make sure you are very well prepared and have backup. Wishing you all the best the future is bright and you will have more energy once you get your peace of mind back.

Yes that's it.

Because it was such a change I thought maybe after trying to communicate he would seek to manage himself. When he took no accountability is when I thought there is no going back, as someone who will ignore their own faults can not improve them. I feel that will then apply to other circumstances in life, finances, work so I think things will only get more chaotic when you live in denial.

Due to his needing to be "right" I feel if I try and control visitation he will dig his heels in and fight for as much as possible to "win" I feel if I leave it to whatever he wants, contact will most likely taper off to minimal when he sees the reality of day to day stresses with them which I usually negate, as I sort everything. Do food, nappies, play ect so he has them on his own when there is nothing of necessity to be done except "fun"

Ideally I would just want him to have them whenever he wants but not overnight. As my main aim is for them to be happy so I feel making sure their time together is as least stress as possible would enable them to be happy. I would even forgo maintenance for this if it meant contact is pleasurable all around. I honestly don't mind doing hours where I can or even struggling myself initially if the kids reap the rewards.

Like you I do feel he would improve when stepping up is the only option. He tends to take things for granted, then when it goes wrong passes the buck. I think his behaviour is showing at work so I'm not even convinced he will last there :/ I don't know what has happened to him. Either he is struggling and hiding it, or he has managed to keep a facade for a very long time.
Either way I don't want us to be the metaphorical punching bag.

It's your name on the tenancy, I would start the divorce asap, once you're divorced you can force him to leave.

You could always get the locks changed, pack his stuff and leave it outside if he refuses to go. I was in a marriage that was unhappy and I took our son to my dad's 200 miles away while he was at work and left a note asking him to move out before I got back. I rang him the next day and to my surprise he agreed to leave but said he needed more time. So I went back and he started looking for somewhere to rent. He moved out into a flat a few weeks later. I got the impression he was actually relieved that I had ended the marriage. You never know your husband might be the same.

I think he would be tbh. But he is too proud and stubborn.

We are complete opposites in every way. I'm not his usual "type" I think I ticked boxes on paper, and went with it. He was a party lad before we met, I think he misses that lifestyle and is trying to fit the mould he thinks is expected. But this pretence of his I am not buying it, else he wouldn't be acting so resentful and lashing out. I don't care if he doesn't love me bla bla I just want peace. I want to look after my kids and have a "boring" life. I enjoy being with them in an evening, I enjoy early nights. Even if I had a night with a babysitter I would spend it in a spa 😂 or a good restaurant dinner.

If he could be honest and voice his needs or what he is actually angry about, he would probably find he is much happier living his life as a part time parent..and I'd be happy as we would have our peace. I wouldn't even be bitter about it, I think he just assumes everyone would think poor of him so to keep up appearances we are all suffering.

If you can afford it book into a Premier Inn or Travel Lodge for a good night's sleep.

I would first sit him down - and tell him if he doesn’t change or agree to couples therapy you will leave him. Give him that chance to change.

It’s not very fashionable on MN to admit - but divorce messes up children.

I would file for divorce on file and if he kicks off call the police.

You could then apply for an occupation order.

Your landlord could give notice on the tenancy for you both and then reissue a new one that is for you alone.

Once you have informed him you've ended the relationship apply for UC as a sole applicant. If he stops paying the rent/utilities then start a CMS claim.

It sounds like you are very wise and capable and know how to manage him and this challenging situation so that your kids have the best possible outcome. I opted for an artificially low child support agreement (which he hasn’t paid anything towards for 2 years) but it’s been worth it because I know that if I pushed him to pay the correct amount he would insist on a 50/50 parenting schedule which he can’t handle, instead he has DC with him less than 30% and can keep it together for that amount of the time most of the time. He was also much easier to live with before we had DC I think this type of personailty sees children as “too much work” (his words) too disruptive to their wants and wishes but because they don’t want to admit they’re not cut out for it they stay and make things so unpleasant that you end up bending over backwards to keep the peace taking on more and more responsibility then eventually finishing the relationship. My ex is also “Mr Right” plus anxiety issues. He lashes out and is agressive to avoid tasks and situations that he doesn’t like, it’s just a control mechanism to get his own way. Post separation he's reinvented himself as a hands on dad, his behaviour is still patchy but our DC is much happier and way more confident and I've got my life and mojo back as will you. 🙂

“aggressive” d’oh!