Early stages of separation, frustrated and so scared.

[J10]

Hi everyone, first time posting here so please be kind. I never do this sort of thing but in all honesty I feel so lost lonely and would love some advice or just to hear I’m not the only one.

Ive been married for almost 14 years, two children age 11 & 9. The last couple of years my husband and I have not had sex. We didn’t have sex a lot but it was always me initiating it (I’ve always had higher sex drive than him) and to be honest I got fed up. I have to say, as a family we work great. As a unit of 4. We have great days out, lovely holidays and are very close as a family but I have zero relationship with my husband. We get on well as friends but the physical side has completely gone. I just don’t look at him like that anymore, and he has pretty much said the same to me. He is an excellent dad and a good man, we have just come to the end of our marriage I feel. I’ve said to him we both deserve better, life is too short etc and he agrees. I’ve suggested speaking to a lawyer together to find out what our options are and he agrees but then won’t speak about it again and starts making plans for the future (holidays etc) which is incredibly infuriating.
I want to separate, I’ve been living in this limbo for over a year now and even though I’m devastated to split up my family I know I cannot live like this much longer. But I’m scared. I worked full time in a great job until I went on maternity leave with my first daughter , then I had my second daughter and husband has a great job which meant I didn’t have to go back to work. For 8 years I was home maker and raising the children until 2 years ago I got a part time job 2 days a week which has been great for me. My worry is when we separate, how I will afford to live. I will obviously have to work more which I am totally ok with but I feel a bit resentful and stupid to be honest that for the last 10 years my husband has been building his career, increasing his salary, earning bonuses etc has all the pension, private medical care etc and I literally have none of that. It feels unfair that I spent 10 years raising the kids, keeping the home doing everything whilst he progressed his career. I just worry so much I will not be able to support my kids on my own to the same level he will. I won’t be able to afford to take them on holidays etc.
i go round in circles about living arrangements - fantasise about having my own smaller little place just me and my kids but worry how financially that will be possible as my husband will also need the same. He has already said he would want 50/50 (although he is away a lot with work so I don’t know how that would work)
Then I think do we just stick it out until the kids are older, I try and build some savings (I have none) but I’m worried I’ll grow resentful. I’m 41 and feel so trapped. I haven’t spoke to any family but have a couple of friends I have confided in who are supportive.
I am trying to do the whole “what would I tell my friend to do” and it seems so obvious. I guess I’m just looking to hear from anyone who has been through this or has any advice, both legal or just been through something similar.
thanks for listening.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, you’re right though in that you both deserve better. It will be a tough few years while you adjust to being single and setting up a home for yourselves but it will be difficult to do that whether you do it now or in 10 years time. You will be entitled to a % of his pension etc on divorce remember, and you will build a career and a life for yourself, it’s not too late. Life will look different, yes, but it won’t look worse x

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Not sure why it made me feel emotional but thank you. And you’re so right, it’ll be hard now but equally just as hard further down the line so it’s like a bandage isn’t it. Get it done. Thank you for your kind words x

Absolutely! Good luck OP, I hope you come back in a few years with all the tales of your new happy life! Kids don’t need fancy holidays and expensive toys, they need happy parents, and you deserve to be happy for yourself! X

Maybe he’s resentful that he’s had to work and carry all the financial burden so you can be at home building your relationship with your children

its not that you’ve sacrificed things, it’s benefitted you as well as him to be at home.

you will be compensated through the divorce process in terms of getting a fair share of assets, inc equity, pensions, etc. but divorce inevitably means for most people lower std of living as there is less money to go round supporting 2 homes not one. Undoubtedly you will be expected to work full time to support yourself going forward. What did you do before children? Can you go back to that ?

childten can be ok with divorced parents as long as parents aren’t at war, get get on ok, be flexible etc and don’t drag the children into battles. It won’t get easier as they get older, you’ll just run into disruption around education, GCSEs etc.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. And I totally agree, I have forever been grateful that I was able to be at home. I guess in my head it was never an issue as I thought we would be together forever and I wouldn’t have to think about these things. But you’re right, of course in divorce both parties will be worse off as two sets of bills etc. thanks for your perspective. I previously worked in HR/Recruitment all my career and feel so far away from that type of environemenr now (my current role is in the care sector). I guess I just need to look at this as a new beginning and the children are of course the priority. Even just talking on here is helping me straighten my thoughts so thank you for replying x

I think you should book an appointment with a solicitor and find out exactly what will happen, and how you stand legally in relation to finances, etc.

It is scary, but it will be easier to think about properly when you are armed with the information about the practicalities.

You need to do some proper financial planning. You will likely get a share of assets but being realistic, unless there is a lot of money, you will probably need to work full time or close to that.

I would try to let go of the resentment, it sounds like giving up work was a choice you made together with the best information you had at the time. He could equally resent the time you had with the kids that he missed out on while working. You were both making good decisions in planning for a future where you would be together, but now that future isn't going to materialise.

The best thing you can do for your children right now is make the split amicable.

Go and talk to a solicitor on your own. But also bear in mind that your DH wanting 50:50 is not the same as him rearranging his whole career so he can be around half the time for his DC's. He would have to restrict his business travel, take school holidays off, be home by 6pm etc. Can you see him doing that?

Mine swore he wanted 50:50 but when faced with making changes to his routine, he changed his mind and sees DS 6 hours a week.

If you want out, you will need to take the lead because he seems happy to pretend all is ok in his nice comfy life with unpaid housekeeper & childcare.

Welcome to the world of single people. Unless high earner, it's unrealistic to expect the same standard of living as two people pooling resources.

Are you guys both sure you want to divorce?

Your DH sounds like an ok guy, would counselling help you both find a way forward? Maybe you can both come up with a plan to navigate your way through this? You obviously need to get legal advice so that you have a clear idea of what your financial situation might be.

Thank you. He mostly works from home but travels for a few days at least every month/6 weeks. I’m not sure how he would manage to be honest as other than working and occasionally emptying the dishwasher he does nothing in the house at all. Don’t get me wrong, I am hugely grateful that he has worked so hard to provide for our family but I do feel like he would happily plod on for years as he has the convenience of me doing everything to do with the kids, The house, organising everything family related, meal planning food shopping cooking cleaning etc etc. he works his Mon-Fri, golfs 3 times a week and goes to the gym 3 times a week. I do not grudge him this at all and weirdly I actually worry about how he would cope separated, having to do all that himself. I’m riding a massive rollercoaster atm and even now I’m questioning whether I just suck it up and march on. There are much worse things happening in the world and it’s not like he’s abusive or anything. I just crave an actual relationship with affection and connection and we’ve not had that in years. Sorry for the rant, this is me just processing all this it’s like therapy!

Well done for facing up to it. I think a priority is finding a job? Can you start applying?

I have wondered about counselling but to be honest I think we’re passed it. Without sounding mean, the thought of being intimate with him gives me the ick. We are like room mates at this point.

Separated now for 5 years, increased my hours from 3/4 days to full time as soon as exH left. Got a better paid job with more sociable hours. The last few years have been the toughest of my life, work wise and financially. I found the adjustment to full-time work absolutely exhausting at 50 but now the dc are older, I’d probably have gone back full-time, anyway. But, I had to dig deep at times! Just about managed to afford a couple of nights away this summer in the UK.

I am in a great new relationship now as is exH and our children have excellent relationships with our respective partners. Relationship with exH is good and our children are both thriving which is all that matters to us both.

This is really great to read. Well done to you and thanks for the support. Xx

Yes, I get that but perhaps with outside help you could agree on a plan to separate with least amount of damage.

I can totally relate to this. Although for my husband it’s fishing, not golf.

I’ve had that conversation already with my husband which I posted about and luckily it’s all really amicable between us. I would start with your finances, and figuring out where will you live once you’ve had that conversation. Do you have options? Would you need to sell your house? Is there space for you to cohabit whilst waiting for the house to sell?

the hardest part was starting the conversation with my husband, and keeping momentum to move things along or I think nothing would have happened at all and we’d both still be miserable.

sending you lots of luck, whatever you decide to do!

Nice dig at the husband there..

I think it's great that he's worked his bollocks off to support a wife and children. Not many women have the opportunity to stay at home for 8 years and raise children without working. There was absolutely no need to dig out the husband there.
They both deserve better.

A friend of mine was a HR business partner, left a decade ago to have children and just returned to it having not worked for 10 years. So it is possible

my post wasn’t intended to sound mean - just things are made at a time and at the time I’m sure you were grateful you didn’t have to go to work with young children. It was right for the family and he’s worked hard to allow that and support you all

now you’ll both need to think what does that mean for the future - most likely you increase your earnings and he increases his time /responsibility with children.

start gathering information in terms of what a financial separation could look like - there is lots of information online without necessarily rushing straight to solicitors. But the roles you both play now will need to change going forward - it doesn’t make either one of you right /wrong.

Hi J10. I know this is an old post but I stumbled across it when trying to find some courage to end my very similar sounding marriage. I just wondered how you're getting on now? Did you leave him? X

Hard as it is, it sounds like if you make the break now you’ll have a better chance of remaining amicable. If you drag things out I think the resentment might grow, on both sides.

I understand your concerns about the years you weren’t in employment. However, those years with your children are priceless, nothing is of more value than the time you spent with them.

It’ll be difficult initially, but you sound like two sensible people who still care for & respect each other. You can make this work, as a single working parent & a co-parent.

Whoops! Zombie thread.