My wife wants to separate - help

[JayHu1990]

So my wife and I have been married for 5 years. My family have always been awful and have said a few things in the past about her which I’m not happy with. At the time I was too scared to say anything or act on anything. I understand now she is my family and needs me to protect her. She’s always been stronger than me and is the decision maker in the relationship I’d say.
We have a nearly 2 year old and sleep has always been terrible. We both have quite stressful jobs and now she’s got to a point where she wants to separate. She has said before she can’t fix this and she can’t wait around for me to because she doesn’t think I can. I’m just not sure how to fix it? She wants more from me, more care, more attention and I’ve lacked giving that due to my own stresses and focussing on work. I’ve recognised that and made much more of an effort now but she says it feels forced and will go back to how it was. She also thinks my behaviours have been very poor and they have. I’ve lashed out and upset her because I was angry at the situation of separating. I’ve apologised and I know that doesn’t make it better but I’m desperate to save this marriage.
Anyone got any idea? What can I do?? We’ve spoken to a couples therapist and these sessions have been hard and sometimes focused on my own issues with my family. I want to focus on us in these but she has said before one session she doesn’t have much to say and doesn’t mind if we take the time to talk about my family. It feels like she’s checked out. She said she deserves more.
Is it common to go through this when you have a young child ? People keep telling me that but this feels doomed :(

What steps has she taken to separate? Has she asked you to leave or got another place for herself?

It sounds like she's in a place of acceptance. You have had more than enough time to fix the issues but haven't.
And now she's chosen her, when you never would.

I appreciate the honesty there and yes it’s probably correct she is fed up of me not protecting her or looking after her.

in terms of steps taken, it’s more she has said she wants to sell the house and then we get our own places. We split childcare and talking about how we split the cars/furniture etc

You can suggest counselling. Also being honest with yourself. You talk about the stress of your own job and a sleepless child, she sounds like she’s functioning under the same difficulties, have you been pulling your weight evenly.

I would never have split up with my Dh when DD was 2, I needed someone to share the night wake ups with. It would have fucking killed me if I had to do half the week entirely on my own. It is common to have conflict in the sleep deprived years definitely but I would only wanted my husband gone if he was more hassle than help. Honestly we probably gritted out teeth for the first few years and our marriage definitely went on the back burner but there was an unsaid understanding that we were both doing our best. I think some honest reflection is in order but tbh she does sound like she’s checked out a bit.

It sounds like she has made her peace with wanting the relationship to be over whereas this is recent news to you and must be devastating for you.

I do think the stresses of children and jobs etc can absolutely take their toll on a relationship.

Not sure what the behaviours are but be careful with what you are saying in an argument, some things you just can’t come back from.

I’d suggest trying to stay calm and perhaps suggesting you have a trial separation then see how you feel?

@JayHu1990

She hasn't made this decision in the heat of the moment, trust me. We women tend to voice our concerns then hope and struggle emotionally for quite some time for things to get better before we pull the trigger on a separation. So she's waited and waited whilst you carried on with whatever it you were doing or not doing.

And now that she's said she's had enough you want to know what rabbit you can pull out of a hat to convince her that you will change? Too little, too late, my friend. At this point it doesn't matter if you've been 'trying' or if you've been hoping she'll just 'shut up about it', she is done.

So now it's time to do the only thing you can do for her and that to is to behave with dignity and let her go with grace.

Has she said how she wishes this separation to proceed?

I definitely feel like I have been pulling my weight. Life isn’t 50/50 I understand that but I would say I do 75% of bedtimes, I do pretty much every morning and breakfast as I do nursery drop off. And very often I do nursery pick up as well as she has a stressful job that sometimes she has to stay later for. I’ve always accepted that and been there on hand to help. All throughout I’ve been there to help with night time wakings and majority of the time I would put our child back over. She was the mother here feeding and comforting, I’m just sat there so I felt like I had to do something so that’s where I took that on. I don’t resent doing this in any way as im his father and I love spending time with him. She struggles with tiredness quite a lot (and always has done, child has obviously made this more so!) so I’ve always said to her “if you feel too tired I honestly don’t mind doing bedtime, you go and run yourself a bath”.

it does feel like she is checked out but she often says she wants this to work but just can’t see how it will.

@JayHu1990

x-post with you. Sounds as if she has a plan. You and she need to 'carve out' separate spaces in the house, if possible. And begin to live as roommates. Treat each other politely and have no expectations. Do your own laundry, cook your own meals, clean up after yourself. Don't expect her to act as your wife, just as she shouldn't expect you to act as her husband. Share the childcare to give each of you time to yourselves.

Finances should be separated now so that each of you can 'budget' for your own future households.

I do absolutely understand things I may have said can not be forgotten and that’s definitely my fear now. She wont be able to forgive. I know I have my issues and I tend to get defensive when conflict arises, I’m trying to be better for it.

I do fear the trial separation will be a case of there’s no going back and have couples ever really managed to find each other after something like that?

I’ve never once said that I want to pull a rabbit out of a hat nor wish that she would shut up about it. I’ve come on to a forum to try and understand what other experiences people have had in these situations. I understand whole heartedly that I’ve not been giving her everything that she needs and communication was not there which we’ve both admitted to each other.

Weve been communicating much better recently to the point where she has acknowledged it and has wished we keep this up regardless of what happens.

in terms of how the separation, she wants to sell the house and buy her own place and I get my own place. Everything has always been about our boy and she keeps saying she doesn’t want this to drag on for either of us to start hating the other because all that does is affect our boy which I totally understand.

I know this is probably doomed and I need to accept and have said that I don’t want this to happen but I am fully committed to our son and to her in whatever is best for them.

To be honest I’m not sure if trial separations work, I think sometimes a cooling off period can be good though.

Perhaps take a few days to really think about what you want to say and then calmly talk to her, if you think there’s a chance this could end in an argument then send it in an email or letter. This is your one pitch so say everything you need to.

If she still feels that the relationship is over, as hard as it may be you might have to accept it but you will know you tried your best to save it.

I know that’s going to be a terrible experience but it does get better. My husband decided to end our marriage when my son was 9 months old and I thought I would never recover but I did.

OP you say that your family were unkind to her and you didn't stand up to them. You also say that you were happy to help out with childcare. You shouldn't have been "helping out" you should have been parenting the child who you created with your wife.

From what you have said it sounds as if she has simply had enough of feeling unsupported and perhaps expected to feel grateful for your "help".

I don't know if there is anything you can do and I understand that she probably believes you might try for a while and then things would go back to how they were.

It may be too late but unless you can really show her you have changed then she is unlikely to change her mind.

I think this really rings true with me and I’ve clearly expected she should feel grateful for me doing this or doing that whereas that’s my duty as a parent/husband. I should be doing these things without expecting anything.

Selfish behaviour which is clearly what I think my family are therefore I’m not falling too far from the tree.
Ive never been very self aware or had a good understanding why im behaving a certain way but it’s refreshing to hear the honesty here. I’ve got a hell of a lot to work on. It could well be too late for my wife but important I work on it.
thanks everyone for your honest insight

If sleep has always been terrible what proportion of the night wakings do you do? And by that I mean that she is actually able to sleep through because you get up straight away with him and deal with him solely alone.

I would say the night wakings I would do 80% of them (gladly) and he has always settled slightly better with me. I should add this was after he stopped breast feeding (about 7-8months) I definitely rush through to soothe but as mothers yourselves you probably know all too well that even the quietest of cries keeps you awake so I don’t think she ever truly rests through it.

I also regularly (mainly at the weekends) get up with him in the morning and take him out of the house so she can get some uninterrupted rest. There’s no quiet space in the house so often I take him out in the buggy for a dog walk.

Sorry to hear about your situation. The best book on a female perspective i have ever come across is Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It. Available on Amazon

You're willing to change now that you want something and it benefits you.

But her hurt and unhappiness wasn't enough for you to take action before.

That's what she sees.