Hi all,
I am really unsure what to do, what's best for the kids and me.
So we got together with my ex 7 years ago and fell in love very quickly. We went on a long cycle tour (almost 2 years) so we dismissed our differences and made it work. But we already had some disagreements. But hey, every relationship has some right.
Fast forward and we settled down again, and I got pregnant. We went back to his home country (I'm from another one) and this was during lockdown, so we only had each other and his parents. We had ups and downs, there were several instances that he wanted to broke up but then we made it work again. He almost left when I got pregnant again and our daugther was 10 months old. I was the only one working at this point, he was getting some money from the goverment to take care of our kid. Then after we got the second kid and had 2under2 he had to step up to help out more, but it only lasted for a while. Luckily we were living together with his mom by now and she helped out (and continues to do so) a lot. He didn't work during my one year of maternity leave, or when the second childcare money he received stopped, claiming we had plenty of money left from savings so why bother, just enjoy life.
Yeah well, after my second mat leave I was let go from work shortly after and couldn't find anything for a year, and yes I had some free time too but especially since my daugther started to sleep with me again once our younger kid was old enough, he was/is doing very little. I wake up with both in the morning, which for our son sometimes meant 4-5 in the morning. My ex usually gets up at 9, 8 the earliest, lots of times not even seeing the kids before I take them into daycare/kindergarten. I do all the mental load, packing lunch, baking their gluten free bread, buying all their clothes and shoes, all appointments, all talk with daycare, almost all laundry and most of shopping. And every single bedtime. He only did bedtime for our daughter after our son was born, for around 18 months. When we had good periods, he was suggesting a split of taking the kids in the afternoon, like one hour each, or took them when I wanted to go running, but I still took the kids most of the day, with bedtime going on sometimes for 2 hours, often me falling asleep with them. And now I started to work again. His mom takes most of the cleaning and some dinners. He had long periods of depression (which he sometimes blamed on me, that because he's not happy with me) but when he was better, he helped out some. He didn't work more than a few months though in the last 4 years.
Since he broke up with me (like, final straw, no coming back from this one) he spends most of his days in his room, not even cooking dinner more than once a week. And not talking to me, unless I try talking with him about the kids (tbh I got the silent treatment before plenty of times). When he feels like it he takes them for an hour, or take them to/from daycare when I have to go into the office (luckily the job is hybrid), but I don't think this is sustainable or that it's good for the kids mental well-being. It looks like he wants to help out this little for the foreseeable future, because he thinks I am the sole reason we have it bad (I have some problems with being loving and empathetic, or not making life fun, I admit, but this is still not fair). And he doesn't want to move out because he doesn't want to leave the kids.
We have to move because of my job, and I told him I should be moving to a separate flat without him, and his only reply was, then I go without the kids, because he will fight for them in court. And also wants half the money I have in savings, claiming that the reason he didn't work was because of the kids. I told him that he had plenty of time to work (I even pushed him and tried suggesting different stuff during the years, but every time I did, the response was, if I push him, he will delay working even more), and that half is not sounding right (I have education and a higher earning job possibility anyway). Also, that the kids might actually see him more if we separate, and he could visit or take them to stuff any time he wanted, but he doesn't want to hear about it. I really don't want to fight him, but I think moving somewhere together is a bad idea under the current circumstances.What do you think?
Sorry for the long post. TLDR: dad broke up with me, but doesn't want to move out. We have 2 small kids. Doesn't work, don't do much chores, and very rude and dismissive of me. Lost at what to do.