Separation - involving children in decisions

[upto11]

DH and I have sadly decided to separate after nearly 20 years. There’s no one person to blame and no huge back story, but we just don’t seem to be able to make one another happy any longer. It’s not a rash decision, we have been trying (including counselling) for several years. We have two children, 12 and 16, and of course our main concern is how to make this huge decision have the smallest possible impact them. DH had said that he felt I should stay in the family home as I have been the main carer (DH works very FT and I work PT) since they were born.This working pattern is likely to continue if that makes any difference.

I had, probably naively, assumed that he would stay very close by so that we could sort of co-parent, with the children being able to go between houses with a degree of flexibility, but DH has said that actually he would like to move further away. I obviously have no right to dictate where he lives and, whilst, I feel this is a shame, it’s up to him. The problem I have is that he wants to involve the children in the decision about where he should live. I feel that the children should not be involved in the decision – it’s too much pressure on them to do the ‘right’ thing and not upset one of us.

My feelings are compounded by the fact that they go to different schools in opposite directions.Where we are currently works well for that and they both get a school bus, but a move by him centrally would have a much larger negative impact on one of the children’s school lives. Their activities are also all located in our current home town.

I’m not sure what I’m asking really, but just wondering if anyone else has any experience of this type of thing and how things worked out. What do people feel about children (even older ones) being involved in major decisions like this? Maybe I’m being unrealistic about this.

Absolutely do not give your dc the responsibility for sorting this out. Both old enough to use public transport to go between 2 houses.. My dc managed us 30 miles apart.. Lifts when possible.. Train the rest.

I would say make your decisions then ask the DC what they want to do around that. You are their parents and you want to split up - don't give them the responsibility of deciding how.

Feels like there are two concerns here- your concern about him moving away and your concern about him involving the children in the decision.

Re the first, how far is he proposing to move? What will the practical implications of this be?

Re the second, I agree with you 100%. Feels a bit like he is trying to get out of being responsible for his own decision by getting the children to agree to it.

I agree this is not a suitable decision to be involved in.

At their ages they should have input in to decisions which centre on them. So for example what the contact schedule looks like. Where their dad lives is too big - do they say he can go where he wants because they want him to be happy, do they say they want him to stay and worry he’ll hate them for it? Honestly it sounds like him trying to get out of a difficult decision.

What are your plans regarding finances? Can you actually afford to stay in your current home and continue working part-time? Will he support you financially? Your DC are teenagers and more independent so your having been the main carer is less relevant (and shouldn’t be an excuse for him to opt out of parenting and regular contact). Not sure whether you’ve properly thought this through, you seemed to have made various assumptions which might not hold true and could have repercussions in 2-6 years.

Your DC shouldn’t be responsible for making the decision but you/he should absolutely be listening to their thoughts/concerns/preferences. And you should try to make sure he gets a suitable property that can house your DC (exH was going to rent a 1-bed flat despite pushing to have our 2 DC 50/50 🙄).

Your children are old enough to travel to see their dad on their own regularly unless he moves hours away. And no he shouldn't involve them in the location of where he wants to live, though he can ask their opinion on the property.

In regards to yourself - @Alphyn has made a good point about finances. Also remember you are better of getting a share of his pension than staying in a home that you find difficult to run due to finances.

Thank you all, that's helpful and seems largely to reflect what I feel. I fear that I won't be able to persuade DH otherwise, but it's good to know that I'm not being irrational about it.

@HorizontalNotVertical On the first point, he doesn't quite know but the places he has mentioned would be a bus (poor bus service which doesn't run in evenings or on Sundays after 11am) or lift situation from our current location. Practically this will be difficult but not insurmountable. He would like to move somewhere with a train line, which our current location does not have so whilst this might be of benefit to him, it won't be for me! The places he has mentioned are much closer to one DC's school and therefore friend group, so it would work better for that DC I suppose than it would the other one who would be at school further away.

Thanks @Alphyn Finances are not currently an issue - I am in the fortunate position to be able to stay in our current house whether he supports me financially or not. Obviously it will be easier financially and mean fewer sacrifices if he does, but I can afford to stay if he doesn't do this.

For all his faults as my husband, he is a great father to our children and I know (am as sure as I can be anyway!) that he will be looking for a house with a room for each child etc.

Can you afford to buy his share of the house out as well as pay all bills etc on a or wage?

personally while I don’t think the children are responsible for decision on where he lives, at their ages they can be included in a discussion and their input given. Ultimately he needs to make a decision but hearing how his children feel about certain options is ok and might help consolidate thoughts