Husband fell out of love with me

[L666]

I recently posted on here, 4 weeks ago when my husband (together 20 years married for 7) told me he didn’t want to be here and that he had been messaging someone else.
4 weeks on and I am getting stronger ish, still have wobbles. I avoided all contact with him - as much as I could with 2 kids!!
any contact I have previously had with him things have been said out of anger, for example that I wanted a divorce.
last night, when he was dropping the kids off we had a chat (an hour and a half chat) and it’s probably the best we’ve ever spoke. He told me he’s fallen out of love with me, the girl he is messaging is only a friend, he does blame me for “changing him” and having no friends, he says he may never find what he’s looking for. He doesn’t want to involve solicitors, but I am confused as I just don’t know what he wants! I told him maybe in time we can be friends but I need space, but really I want him to come back to me and sort this whole mess out. I believe my husband is suffering with MLC and depression not dealt with from the loss of his mum. What I’m asking is how can I find out if it’s worth saving without sounding desperate? Or do I just let him go? He owns the house so a lot of financial stuff to sort out.

Would you both be open to individual therapy? This could help figure out what you want and what he wants.

I can be very stubborn, and scared of coming across as desperate. I would do therapy but not sure if my husband would.

I'd say he is blaming you for his wandering eye. You changed him/stopped him having freinds etc. Rewriting history is part of "the script" that men say in these situations. He's probably realised the reality of this situation and it's not going to be all just fun and flirty messages with the new woman.
You are married so that house is as much yours as his - he doesn't want you to go to a solicitor and find that out. So you need to go to one or at least get your marital interest in the property registered as a charge at the land registry.

I'd say never chase a man with a wandering eye-he'll run away faster. Pack his bags and see him off if that's what he claims to want.

I think you are right to want space. Time apart is a good idea, then you can both evaluate the relationship. Use your time alone well, find things that interest you, please yourself.

I hope things work out and are sorted one way or another before very long but it's not going to happen overnight.

he does blame me for “changing him” and having no friends

Oh tell him to eff off, does he not have a mind of his own?
He's responsible for himself, not you...How convenient to have someone to blame for all the problems in one's life 🙄

I know you're broken hearted, op, but you can do better!

@Fluffyhoglets is right. Search ‘mumsnet the script’. He’s following it to the letter.

I'm so sorry.
He's told you he's fallen out of love with you.
Please take care of you.
Whatever the reasons, head turned, grief ??
You need to be very careful to love you. It's very important to put you and your wellbeing first now.
Focus all your thoughts as much as you can on caring for you and being super practical about how you navigate your new future.
He has chosen to have a different future and has walked himself that way.

I recommend you consult a divorce solicitor.

Don’t give yourself false hope OP. Sounds like following your long friendly conversation with him that you think there’s a chance of reconciliation, but it just sounds like he maybe feels relieved that it’s all now out in the open, and that he wants to keep it all civil. When my dh left, it was similar. Any small crumb he gives you, you will grab it and interpret it as a chance he will come back. I think all you can do is keep things civil, but don’t raise your expectations. It could be that you do get back together, but it doesn’t look that way at the moment. And don’t necessarily believe him when he says the person he has been messaging is just a friend. He’s just doing damage limitation to not look like a bad guy. Could be that in a couple of months he will wheel this friend out as a newly developed romantic partner, when the reality is he has been in a romantic relationship with her all along.

Thank you for all your messages.
i am so lost and confused as to what to do.
I have wished him the best, I hope he finds what he’s looking for but can’t see it with this person. She has a reputation for being a sl*g and is on only fans. I wish I could just have a clean cut from him…

Exactly. Reality is setting in and he doesn't want the financial pain.

Don't fall for it.

He's lying. She's not just a friend to him. At a minimum he's into her and he's hoping for more.
His blameshifting is classic cheater behaviour as well.
Do you really want to work it out with somebody who has said flat out that he doesn't love you?

He doesn't want lawyers involved because he's afraid of losing money. He's trying to be "friends" with you in the hope that you won't pursue a financial settlement. It's manipulation. I'm afraid you'll need to expect him to make things difficult, so get yourself a shark of a lawyer.