Better to divorce or stick it out? 2 young kids

[Louve]

We have two young children, 3.5 and 16 months, and our marriage has been in a rough place for some time. Thoughts of divorce and escaping the relationship occur for me on a daily basis, for the past 6 months, if not more.....yet I wonder if it isn't salvageable and a sign of how difficult we are finding raising two young and lively kids!

I am the main breadwinner and pay for 75% of our expenses - rent, childcare, car, travel etc. DH has never had a stable career and earns minimally, helped out by his parents and not putting much thought into what he spends. The icing on the cake was spending over 2 grand on a 4 day holiday with his friends and their families which I of course didn't want to go on but did anyway.

We are in a state of constant conflict, spending all of our working and holiday time together (we work together too, albeit him temp work, which of course I found for him) and cannot go a day without arguing - both of us seeking control and wanting to be right. This is not my nature at all yet I am with him.

We sleep in separate beds, have no intimacy and it feels forced on the rare occasions we do.

I am torn because I don't know how I could possibly survive on my own with two young kids, my job and how both of us would cope...not to mention the financial struggle. We recently purchased a house together too.

At what point is it best to stick it out, either in the hope it gets better or decide it best to split ways? He is a great father, chores are divided at home and the kids love him. I don't want to divorce because we have a lovely family life but there is no physical/emotional connection and I am sick of bearing the financial/childcare brunt for the past 3+ years.

I say give it some time. You are at peak tiredness when you have 2 kids those ages. It's all so bloody knackering even without adding work and money worries. It sounds like he has some decent qualities tho perhaps not very ambitious/career minded. I think stick in for another year and see if he's still annoying you so much by then. All married couples go through a massive lull when they have two young kids and it's just about survival for a few years. You probably do still like him underneath it all even if you feel like throttling him a lot of the time - it's normal

As someone whose ex left when my children were the same age I do think you have a responsibility when you marry and have children to weather the bad times. that being said his working situation would absolutely infuriate me and I can see why you are resentful. Can't you sit him down and explain where you are at...he starts contributing financially to the family he helped create or you can't see things improving.

I think couples counselling would be good. Yes, you'll have to pay, but you can communicate without the children there and that's important. Say how you feel, this is a man, he may not realise.

However, I feel that a leopard can't change his spots.

It is sooooooooooooo tough on your own. My ex-H left when mine were 1 and 3 and I would say that even a semi-useless additional adult in the home is better than none. My two are in their 20s now and I parented alone and it was lonely and hard, really hard - particularly the primary school years.

However, your current situation sounds really unhappy. Have you had any couples counselling@Louve or even some just for yourself? It sounds like there is a lot of resentment between the two of you and you've got stuck in a negative pattern. Sometimes if both sides are willing you can find your way back to what first attracted you to each other a sometimes it needs a bit of help. If it is a lost cause, then that is ok too, but I personally would advocate seeing if you can find a way back before you go it alone.

It sounds really tough, but is salvagable.

You need to really communicate though, to rebuild the trust, respect and intimacy.

Would you consider counselling? You need to be able to be honest with each other about your needs, and to make sure the other one really gets it. You also need the tools and skills to be able to function well together.

Love on its own is not enough and resentment is a killer. I speak from experience, sadly.

Good luck.

He sounds like a complete loser. Go now when the kids are young and you'll have your whole life ahead of you. I managed and so will you.

I think you should go to marriage counseling to work out whether to

• revive the romance and be a couple
• live together and coparents but official separate
• split and live separately

I wish I had divorced my lazy and financially incontinent husband much earlier. I have disabled kids and thought I wouldn’t cope. But I did. He sounds like my ex which was like having an extra child not a partner. The resentment you will feel for him not working / earning / wasting money will kill the relationship anyway. There’s been research which shows women with a ‘manchild’ they see as a dependent lose any attraction for their partner. I can’t see this lasting as you fundamentally have different attitudes to work and money. At least your financial future will be secure. I waited and now ex will get a big share of capital that I can’t rebuild from.

I’d say go to marriage counselling, set some expectations and timelines and if things are not in better shape, leave as they won’t get better

eg he needs to sort his job and spending, you both need to spend more time as a couple not parents , then in say 12 months time if you’re not in a better place, call it a day

As @grumpyoldeyeore says, it's your different attitudes to work and money that are causing the conflict and the resentment that builds is real. My manchild is moving out tomorrow and currently in a strop because he asked whether he could take my ridiculously expensive office chair with him and I said no: it is mine from my last "proper" job before freelancing so no. If you get any pushback from your partner when you try to talk about fairness relating to money, work, savings, holiday spending, as in my example then you could try counselling before throwing in the towel. If you currently earn 75% of the money your family needs you'll really be fine with one less mouth to feed, especially as you'll properly be in control of your finances, without someone who is hopeless with money leaching it out of your bank account each month.

Thanks everyone, for the responses and ideas. I do think we will give marriage counseling a go and give it some time until our youngest is at school (2 years time where we live).

We just have to find time to fit it in around work and the kids!