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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex wanting to move to 50/50

13 replies

ADVICENEEDED987 · 12/08/2024 19:50

Ex and I have been separated for 3 years. He was emotionally and financially abusive, generally angry and his relationship was very strained with our eldest (ds aged 14) . As a result his confidence is in tatters, tried to run away after arguments with his Dad, would cry saying it wouldn't matter if he was dead. It was heartbreaking seeing DS like that and this wasthe reason I separated from his Dad. Our middle child (DD agreed 11) has a slightly better relationship with her Dad but still difficult at times. She hates the way he speaks to her, he calls her a spoiled brat frequently. She has become very anxious/nervous recently and refuses to stay at his (it's not his house he rents a room from a friend), she's had play therapy at school but is really struggling at the moment and doesn't want to leave my side. Youngest (DS 7) has a much better relationship with Dad and is happy to stay over, chat on phone, go on holiday with him etc.

I have always been their primary carer (i was a stay at home mum for 8 years) and they have lived with me after the separation. Even when we were together ex did nothing and wouldn't go anywhere with us. We agreed at mediation a year ago that they would stay with their Dad every other weekend, he only wanted to have them the Saturday night as apparently he works too hard and is too tired to have them Friday night too. Recently he had been saying to the kids about them staying more. Eldest is adamant he doesn't want to but feels too scared to say no so just tells his Dad he'll think about it, DD won't even stay a night with him at the moment (she just sobs and sobs when he comes to pick her up, she used to stay reasonably happily a while back) so he just takes the boys for the weekend. Youngest came home this weekend saying Daddy says if he stays with him for a week at a time he will give him treats every day so I'm expecting ex to soon ask for 50/50 shared care. I think this is because we are trying to agree the split of our finances ahead of selling the former marital home and he wants 50/50 of the equity from the house and thinks this is most likely if he has the kids 50/50, also her is trying to appear to be the perfect Dad to his new partner.

Ex is a bully and will just try to tell me this is what is happening and try to wear the kids down. I feel like I have no voice around him but know I will need to fight this as it will have a massive effect on the children's mental health. I'm assuming at 14 DS would be listened to if it went to court, I hope DD's views at 11 would be listened to, at least to a degree. Would he automatically get 50/50 of youngest even if it meant separating the children up during the week? At the moment we live 20 miles apart so not that practical to move between houses, he wouldn't help with homework, wouldn't take them to their activities and we have wildly different parenting styles so I can't see how it could work or benefit the children.

I don't really know what my question is, I suppose I would like to hear others experiences who have been in a similar situation with very difficult, angry and abusive ex and how the children are coping with shared care.

OP posts:
Alicenwonderland · 12/08/2024 20:05

The older two would definitely be listened to, the saying is that once they start secondary school they vote with their feet so courts don't force contact. In my experience (three times through the court system in 5 years with abusive ex over child contact) the courts tend to definitely encourage contact with dad no matter what, but they will look at previous arrangements and consider the children's wishes. I don't think it'll be much of an issue with the older two but the younger one would be a bit different. Do you have any evidence of the DV towards yourself? In my case I was advised by women's aid to stop contact (ex was abusing kids) and wait for him to take me to court.

Harvestfestivalknickers · 12/08/2024 20:09

If he rents a room from a friend, can he have them all to stay?
I agree with you that he is only suggesting 50/50 due to money. He's not really thought this through, if he's having them 50/50, how is he going to deal with 'I can only have them on Saturday because I work too hard and will be tired on Friday' conundrum?
How are the children going to get to school? Who is going to pick the youngest up from school? How will they get to their activities?
You've got to take the emotion out of this and ask him how the mechanics of his 50/50 proposition are going to work. He will not of thought about any of this - his sole focus is money. You've not got to facilitate this is anyway, you want the status quo and it sounds like 2 of your children do too. Ask him to detail how it's all going to work. He won't have thought of details. All he's doing is bribing your younger son with promises of 'treats'.

Theunamedcat · 12/08/2024 20:16

Do they have their own room over at his house? How does it work if he is just renting a room?

Ultimately you tell your children there wishes matter he cannot force them to stay (the 7 year old they won't listen too really) you say to them under no circumstances can he make them do this they are too old it's there choice if they go or don't go

With the 7 year old it's complicated my ex was 7 when his parents split he told the court he wanted his dad he stayed with his mum because his older brother wanted too and because his dad didn't have suitable accommodation if my ex took me to court despite my youngest being 11 his wishes are unlikely to be taken into consideration because he has severe learning difficulties so they would rely on his brother (15)

Thunderboltandlightningveryveryfrightening · 12/08/2024 20:18

Send him an extremely detailed copy of ds's life schedule.. Add on parties /clubs /appointments /clothing needed /sports equipment etc for his house... Ask him to confirm he is happy to ferry ds about and pay for the things that happen in his 50% time...

Theunamedcat · 12/08/2024 20:29

If he wants to take it to court with it make sure it details all there clubs social activities and that he continues those on "his time" that he doesn't rely on you for childcare on his day

honestly I know a woman who can't work more hours because her ex makes her look after their child daily so he can work he has a court order because she is apparently too unstable to have her child full time (this is according to the courts) and he controls all the contact times should she ever say no to him he punishes her by not letting her see the child Their child is now secondary and is voting with his feet staying with his mom dad's response? Sold his PlayStation and contacted child support (they go by the court order) make life uncomfortable for them

Original poster
ADVICENEEDED987 · 12/08/2024 21:06

@Harvestfestivalknickers and @Theunamedcat his friends owns a three bedroom house. Eldest sleeps on a mattress on the floor in the spare room and then the younger two have to share a room with their Dad, one on a sofa, one on an air bed. It's far from ideal. Once the former marital home is sold he is likely to rent or buy somewhere himself or with his partner and her son (he was renting a flat before but decided to give it up and rent his friends spare room for a few £100 a month instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
ADVICENEEDED987 · 12/08/2024 21:11

@Thunderboltandlightningveryveryfrightening their schedule is very hectic when you put all three sets of activities together - swimming lessons, gym classes, 4 lots of dance class. Netball, cheerleading, football, basketball. Then there's homework to help with, parties to go to, play dates. Given the chance he would stop all of them, I always paid for every club myself when we were together and still do (even when I was a stay at home mum and only had child benefit/small amount of tax credits) as he didn't see any benefit to extracurricular activities. I know he wouldn't help with homework and school projects either.

OP posts:
Original poster
ADVICENEEDED987 · 12/08/2024 21:12

Theunamedcat · 12/08/2024 20:29

If he wants to take it to court with it make sure it details all there clubs social activities and that he continues those on "his time" that he doesn't rely on you for childcare on his day

honestly I know a woman who can't work more hours because her ex makes her look after their child daily so he can work he has a court order because she is apparently too unstable to have her child full time (this is according to the courts) and he controls all the contact times should she ever say no to him he punishes her by not letting her see the child Their child is now secondary and is voting with his feet staying with his mom dad's response? Sold his PlayStation and contacted child support (they go by the court order) make life uncomfortable for them

I work full time in a school and the youngest goes to breakfast club and then to the childminder after school for an hour. He would have to sort childcare on his days and during the holidays, but I expect he's thinking his new partner will assist with all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ADVICENEEDED987 · 12/08/2024 21:14

Sorry posted that last reply too soon. That's awful he sold the PlayStation, poor child for Dad just to get rid of his things like that and then to contact cms. Why do so many men just think of themselves?

OP posts:
Original poster
ADVICENEEDED987 · 12/08/2024 21:15

Alicenwonderland · 12/08/2024 20:05

The older two would definitely be listened to, the saying is that once they start secondary school they vote with their feet so courts don't force contact. In my experience (three times through the court system in 5 years with abusive ex over child contact) the courts tend to definitely encourage contact with dad no matter what, but they will look at previous arrangements and consider the children's wishes. I don't think it'll be much of an issue with the older two but the younger one would be a bit different. Do you have any evidence of the DV towards yourself? In my case I was advised by women's aid to stop contact (ex was abusing kids) and wait for him to take me to court.

No, I have no record or proof of dv
He was never physically abusive just emotionally particularly to our eldest son.

OP posts:
Original poster
ADVICENEEDED987 · 12/08/2024 21:20

Harvestfestivalknickers · 12/08/2024 20:09

If he rents a room from a friend, can he have them all to stay?
I agree with you that he is only suggesting 50/50 due to money. He's not really thought this through, if he's having them 50/50, how is he going to deal with 'I can only have them on Saturday because I work too hard and will be tired on Friday' conundrum?
How are the children going to get to school? Who is going to pick the youngest up from school? How will they get to their activities?
You've got to take the emotion out of this and ask him how the mechanics of his 50/50 proposition are going to work. He will not of thought about any of this - his sole focus is money. You've not got to facilitate this is anyway, you want the status quo and it sounds like 2 of your children do too. Ask him to detail how it's all going to work. He won't have thought of details. All he's doing is bribing your younger son with promises of 'treats'.

Yes he's absolutely trying to bribe youngest with treats (he gave him 4 on Saturday apparently!) and oldest to an extent by letting him play computer games I don't allow, watch films that I have said no to etc. I don't think he's thought about the mechanics at all, he just hates the fact I suggested a 60/40 split of the house equity and this is his way to try to 'win'.

In reality he has recently a few times dropped them home on Saturday not as he is so tired instead of having them overnight, so just sat them on the Saturday day time and one evening midweek when he comes to the house to see the kids.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 13/08/2024 08:37

Keep records how many times he drops them off early how many times they refuse to go etc etc

Original poster
ADVICENEEDED987 · 13/08/2024 17:38

Theunamedcat · 13/08/2024 08:37

Keep records how many times he drops them off early how many times they refuse to go etc etc

Good idea, thank you. I used to keep a diary of things when we first separated as he was being incredibly controlling and things were very difficult. As things started to improve I stopped but I will start keeping a record of things again

OP posts:
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