Together 16yrs. Married 9. It's always been hard work, and over the years there have been numerous events and situations where he's been cruel or uncaring with me and the children (3 DCs 14, 12, 9) which I've held a lot of resentment about. I've tried incredibly hard to make it work, adapting my behaviour and expectations, what I now know to be 'grey rock-ing' and effectively living like a single parent, with him dipping in and out as he coulé be bothered. This year it became clearer to me that there's been some coercive control and bullying. In fact, I think he has narcissistic personality disorder - by which I mean, he's a scared child in a grown man's body, desperately trying to control everyone like pieces on a chessboard so he can build the reality he wants to believe is his. In June, after yet more counselling (we've been going for 2yrs with no effect) I had a realisation and said I wanted to separate. After two weeks of accusations and fury, in counselling he agreed,L it was over and that over the summer we'd make plans to separate. Surprise, surprise this has not happened. He's argued, threatened suicide, threatened to tell the children it's all my decision, written a letter to me saying the children are scared of my temper (not true), been charming with them, complimented me, done a tonne of (belated) DIY, behaved as if nothing is happening, gone to the GP and had a diagnosis of depression and anxiety + meds + referral to psych team. Today, again, he threatened to tell the children he is mentally unwell and that I just don't want to support him, that I'm making the decision to break up the family and that he doesn't agree with it. Then later came home and said he wants us to try again, that we should get back together and we have a future together.
I'm exhausted. I know it's manipulation of the children and of me. I'm making an appt to see a solicitor and find out what's likely to happen. I need a break before I get back on track.
I'm terrified of what he'll say to the children. That he may refuse to leave and traumatise us all. Is there a sensible way to approach this. It's not in my nature to go behind his back - but there's no discussion with him, I don't think he's ever going to accept it or behave reasonably and I just don't know the best way to handle it. Any advice? Are there support groups I don't know about? Is there a way to
Prepare or handle it with the least possible fall out?