I just don't know what to do!

[AreWeSeparated]

Married 20 years, 3 children 13-19

Unhappily married now, although it was fine in the beginning. I no longer have any feelings for DH and to use a cliche we do really seem to be married in name only and are just living as housemates. There is no abuse, there isn't anything! We spend zero time together, including not being in the same room in the house during waking hours. We haven't shared a bedroom since the youngest was born and haven't been intimate in over 5 years. Nor do I want to be. Not his fault, all from my side. I can objectively see that he is a good looking man, but I no longer fancy him. I just feel that our relationship has run it's course.

I took my wedding ring off in 2020 and I started the first conversation about how unhappy I was in 2021. And again in 2022 and again last year, which was the first time he said that if we were going to separate we might as well divorce. But things just settle back every time into the routine of me doing the shopping / cooking / laundry / childcare and nothing changing until I raise it again. And it is never easy to start a conversation which I know is going to cause some hurt.

There are some complicating factors. I gave up work because of childcare costs when the children were younger which in hindsight was the stupidest thing I ever did. So while he has said he won't stop me from leaving, he is also aware that I have nowhere to go and no means of supporting myself currently. I moved away from family and friends to be with him when we met and we live remotely so I'm lonely as well as being unhappy. The house goes with DH's job - I have no claim on it and it feels less like home the longer I live here.

In 2022 I reconnected online with a male friend of mine from my 20s and we have met up a few times for drinks and catch up chats, with DH's knowledge, I hasten to add. We get along as well as we always did and it highlighted how little me and DH have in common other than the children, although I am aware that there is a degree of escapism in seeing someone from my younger years who i knew before I was a wife and mother. We have kissed more than once, which in my heart I know is a terrible thing, but I also now know that I am not numb from the waist down. I mentioned it to a friend (whose life has followed a similar path to mine) and she asked if we had slept together, seeing as I am to all intents and purposes separated from DH. And I told her that no, we haven't because whatever the state of my marriage, I am still married. This bloke is not the reason for me wanting to leave - I had already spoken to DH about leaving before we reconnected - but perhaps has been something of a catalyst.

I am struggling to find the right path to take from here on in. I probably have enough savings to rent somewhere locally for a few years until the youngest finishes school. I need to get a job. I don't want to stay in this area long term, I actually loathe the place. I think I need to get out and have some time by myself to really know where to go from here. I doubt I'll be any more lonely in myself than I am now, but I also don't want to cause upset to my children and I have to accept that they might prefer to stay with their Dad where they live now.

Sorry it's so long! There's more to it than just this. But I suppose what I'd like to know is if anyone has been in a similar position and what happened next.
I CAN stick it out, but I'd like to be happy rather than just existing. I used to say I was content but not happy but I'm no longer content.

Help!

I am so sorry you feel this way, and I believe that you are right to put yourself first and to be thinking of your own long term happiness.

In terms of marital assets what do you currently have? Because of the length of the marriage you would be entitled to a share of his savings, pension, property and assets. Is there anything there?

Can you consider returning to work in some capacity? Even just to get you out of the house and reconnecting with the outside world?

Unfortunately I can't return to the career that I had pre children as I have been out of it for too long and have so far been unsuccessful getting a job. I had some major surgery earlier this year so to be fair I haven't tried my hardest to find a job yet. I can't believe we're already in August as every Christmas I swear to myself that it will be the last with his family and then it speeds around again

There are assets, but I am a bit ashamed to say that I have no idea how much he earns or the value of his assets. He has a pension as do I from when I was work although mine does not have much in it. The savings I have are from an inheritance.

The property does not come into the equation as it is part of his job

In reality you need to go back to work full time and work out how to support yourself - any joint assets will need to be split but they won't produce an income unless they are very high (and I'm guessing they aren't otherwise you would have left). Child maintenance will be payable if the children under 18 want to live with you more than half the time but at their ages it really is their choice.

I was in your position sort of, in fact I moved away after meeting someone, but we split a few months prior but remained in the same house

I would also suggest that if you return to work (in person) you may find your living situation is more manageable because there's something else going on

I do feel that a job would definitely help with the loneliness for the short term, but long term I know that my marriage is dead and I will not live my life out stuck in this situation (assuming there's still a number of years of it left!)

And I do feel trapped. DH has said before that having children spoilt our relationship - I truly believe that I would have been long gone if we hadn't had them, not least because I would have been working in a well paid job. They are my main reason for staying, although they know that things aren't great.

I keep meaning to read Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay because from the title alone t sounds like exactly the situation I'm in! That said my previous serious long term relationship ended up almost like this after 10 years together (I'm in my 50s) but my partner then was someone I really enjoyed spending time with even without any intimacy.

Me and DH neglected our relationship and the outcome is that we have grown apart over time whereas I think some people find they grow together

A bit of an update - I'm adding it as a bit of a note to myself, but equally, still very happy for input / advice!

I continue to see my male friend. I spent a day with him celebrating his birthday last week and the following day DH started 'the conversation' with me, which was a first! He said he was lonely too and things couldn't stay the way they were because the lack of intimacy was not what he wanted in life. I agreed.

He has since joined an OLD app and while it is a little bit odd that we have talked about it, I am surprisingly unfazed by the repeated pings of messages coming through. He showed me his profile (I didn't ask to see it, he volunteered) and one of his pictures was just not flattering, so I took a better one for him. What he had written was not the man I know, so much so that that Pina Colada song briefly entered my head! He's going out on a date tonight (first one) and currently I'm a little bit excited for him, which seems somehow wrong, but there we are. I accept that I may feel differently once he's actually gone out, though.

I've seen a solicitor who has told me that because of the length of our marriage, I will have some claim on his assets and pension and probably some spousal maintenance. I'm not sure how that works, though - is it better all round if I have a FT job? In that he may then not have to pay me spousal maintenance at all?

We spoke at length yesterday, I told him about the solicitor visit and SM and he asked me what I was expecting to take of his. The point is that I absolutely am NOT looking to fleece him, but we'd both like to live comfortably once we've divorced.

So for now we are just continuing as we have done for the past 5 years, but on the understanding that we are both free to go out and date if we wish. The air feels much lighter in the house and while I am more emotional than I was expecting, I think it's probably because I know there is major upheaval coming in the not too distant future and that is always going to be a bit unsettling!

It’s going to be a bit unusual at first. Is he being upfront on his profile. Ie still living with you but effectively separated? This used to put me off when I was dating.

How are things going with your man? Have you progressed this to a more intimate situation now and has that been discussed with your husband too?

It’s good to see that you have been able to talk. If more couples did that and came to some agreements then I think it would make people a hell of a lot less stressed.

Spousal maintenance is quite rare, unless husband is on a rather high salary (£100,000+), though it can be awarded for a while (a few years) to help the transition. England more than Scotland. However, should you have to go on to Universal Credit, spousal maintenance would reduce that (and child maintenance would not). Though having savings may rule out UC anyway.

You say kids 13-19, but only the under-18s would count for child maintenance and needs for housing.

Longish marriages, certainly a case is often made for sharing all assets 50/50 including pensions. There may be reasons to depart from that, but life's often a lot easier if both just agree that! (and avoids running up legal costs). And you do seem to be on reasonable speaking terms.

What does your husband earn? Unless he’s high earner you’ll be v unlikely to get spousal

what are your plans for working? Yes you’ve been out of work place but your youngest is 13 so you’re perfectly capable of, and will be expected to , work full tine. A court won’t expect him to fund your lifestyle especially if you’re not working so you need a reality check here.

You will be due a fair share of marital assets which if you don’t know what they are will come out through disclosures. You may be awarded more than 50% but this will depend on what there is and both your needs.

Does your husband know about the other man and your dating??

as pp under 18s only are considered in needs. Sounds like you want to continue with husband so he can fund you while enjoying all the benefits of being single ….

if you’re serious about ending your marriage do so, get a job and pay your own way

Husband knows about the other man, yes.

I appreciate your directness, but my husband does not 'fund' me. While I was working I was solely responsible for childcare costs and he put the equivalent into a joint account to cover household bills and food, so when I stopped working and stopped using childcare, his expenditure did not change.

I inherited some money when my youngest was very young and that has been used, by me, for all of the children's costs, our holidays (me and the children) and my own expenditure. Prior to that I used my savings.

I am fully aware that I need to get my financial independence back - as I said up thread, stopping working was a really bad decision, but at the time I didn't expect us to be where we are now. My not working has allowed DH to continue doing his various hobbies etc without having to worry about picking up children from school and other general life admin, so I do feel he has benefited from that also

I asked him about that, he said there wasn't an option to put 'separated' but when he has been asked about his situation, he has been honest.

I am delaying intimacy with my man, I would want DH to be aware that things were moving on before there was any. He suggested I join the same app as him and then said wouldn't it be funny if we matched!

Having not really talked or spent any time together for years, we are currently seemingly getting on really well and are communicating with each other far better than we have for ages. Perhaps if we had done this sooner, we wouldn't have drifted so far apart. who knows?

what are your plans for working? Yes you’ve been out of work place but your youngest is 13 so you’re perfectly capable of, and will be expected to , work full tine. A court won’t expect him to fund your lifestyle especially if you’re not working so you need a reality check here.

It was the solicitor who mentioned spousal maintenance, it wasn't something I was aware of and is also why I asked up thread if it would be better all round if I had a FT job.

I have been applying for jobs daily (although to be fair not for many weeks) but as yet have been unsuccessful. I'm getting to the apply for anything and everything stage now!

You can't do anything you would like to do without a job. You've known this for 3/4 years. Get your act together and get a job!

Another update.

I've got a job! Fixed term contract, but gets me out there and with some recent experience to put on my CV.

Some detective work shows that STBXH has a taxable annual income substantially over £100K and also assets of over £1.5M. But he has always pleaded poverty so I'm not entirely sure where his income actually goes (and I accept that it is not uncommon to be asset rich and cash poor)

He is loving getting out and dating, which as yet doesn't bother me, although I accept that once he meets someone he really likes it may well hurt. But I am also seeing a side of him regarding how he views women that I really don't like, which helps!

We have submitted a joint application to divorce