He doesn't understand why I'm angry...?

[planAplanB]

Got back from a week abroad despite having applied for a divorce a few months ago. Didn't want to disappoint the kids (7 & 10) and it was amicable.

First day back home, we're tired and I end up getting cross with him for not helping to put the kids to bed.

Later on he asks me why I'm suddenly so angry when we had a nice time away, and why am I speaking to him like piece of poo on my shoe. I held back as didn't want to start a fight so late in the evening plus so tired.

I wanted to tell him that he had an affair earlier this year. Had he forgotten? He'd been messaging her non-stop for 4 week and met up at her house. He lied to my face about where he was (said he was working) and then after I discover the affair, he's not sorry and even messages her again a few weeks later saying that he can't stop thinking about her!! wtaf

Reality has hit home now we are back as things to get moving. I just can't understand how he thinks I can carry on as normal since I've discovered the affair, which he blames me for by the way.

He hurt me but has acknowledged this, or that I am still thinking about his infidelity. Anyone else living in a similar situation!?!

He is better at compartmentalizing than a submarine.

His interactions with you are basically situational. When on holiday he holidays! When affairing he affairs! When in the house with you he house husbands, whatever that means to him. Im sure he is sincerely puzzled by your insisting on holding him accountable for stuff the other him said or did in another time or place.

Because you should obviously be able to forget that he was fucking another woman behind your back and have a perfect holiday with him. Why can’t you just brush it under the carpet, you silly woman?

I meant to say that he hasn't acknowledged how he hurt me.

Yes... he's definitely been finding it easy to put it behind him. It's almost as though he thinks I'm a grumpy old cow for absolutely no reason...

He is better at compartmentalizing than a submarine.

This. You briefly sucked up all your feelings so that the kids could have a lovely time. Since he doesn't do things that are selfless and kind, he can't recognise the behaviour. It does not compute for him.

Take that anger and apply it to your divorce. Steely-eyed, cold anger. Calm and ruthless. Look after you and the kids.

You're getting the old "Hurry up and get over yourself, because God forbid I should feel uncomfortable or be held accountable".

It's essentially a form of gaslighting, insult added to injury.

Apparently my DHs EA was nothing more than "gossiping" he says. Yet it went on for 5-6 months behind my back. We are at the anniversary of me finding out and still struggling to find a way forward. Gaslighting seems to be common -
After 43 years of having a once happy marriage - I'm afraid it's now crunch time....

I'd tell him I'm talking to him like that because yes, he is a piece of shit on your shoe as far as you are concerned and the nice behaviour on holiday was for the children's benefit, not his.

Take him for every fucking thing you can op.