Children begging not to take their dad back!

[Rocketman2]

I found out 9 days ago that dh was having an affair. My kids actually found out and had to tell me. Heartbreaking to say the least.

dh emotionally abused me for about 5 years of our 26yr marriage.

this evening my children have begged me not to take him back. Dd broke down and said she gets flashbacks to what he did to me and how helpless she felt. She looked so so crushed.

the guilt I feel is huge. All I’d wanted was a perfect family and for my kids to have both parents together and there for them. How wrong I was.

what next

You were wrong but with the best of intentions. The guilt shouldn't be yours, but all on him.

What next? Move on with your kids and without this abusive, unfaithful man.

Listen to your children and don't take him back

Women have traditionally been conditioned into thinking” its best to stay together for the kids”
Unfortunately this belief can be compounded by family members urging the same. You know, “til death is do part” or “stick to the marriage vows”. It’s not considered that the abusive partner has broken his marriage vows.

The result : woman stays with abusive partner and kids are subject to trauma from living in an abusive, toxic environment.

Your kids are supportive of you, at least, rather than blaming you for forcing this life on them.
Do the right thing now and don’t take him back ! Why would you ?? You owe him nothing.

And what comes after ?

Blocking him on all platforms and move forward in life with your kids.
Maybe some counselling for you all.

Once a cheat always a cheat if you can live like this taking him back is an option.

However, it is your choice to make.

As PP suggested. Counselling and professional help needed for you and the kids.

Listen to them. You've raised wise, observant and loving children who know perhaps better than you do what's the best thing to do. Don't inflict him again on them or yourself.

Listen to your children! They are the people that know you the best. You now realize that his abuse of you carried over to them. Get out now and feel no guilt. You did not break the vows he did.

‘It’s better to be from a broken home than to live in one’

Your children are BEGGING you not to take him back. You must listen to them!

I can relate, my ExH cheated and was a controlling man. I took a leap and we left and built a new home/life without him. To be fair he wasn't around much as he travelled for work overseas so I'd always been the dc constant. He's stuck around more, tried to be more present as a father, worm his way back into our lives.. my eldest son is absolutely adamant the he is not welcome in our home. He's reminded me a few times about how the ex treated me - and he is right! It's like the voice of reason, listen to it!! We somehow pave over the cracks and only remember the good things.. bottom line is, that person you married is a lying cheat and showed you zero respect. Remind yourself of that every time you think you can work things out.

OP, you are speaking as if his emotional abuse was in the past. It isnt; its most recent manifestation is deceiving, disrespecting, neglecting and humiliating you with an affair.

I think you have to face up to the fact that your children.will have to.emotionally distance themselves from you amd any ongoing difficulty you have with your DH if you decide to ignore them at this time. They will need to do it for their own peace of mind and emotional saftey.

If your DH can truly change, he can demonstrate this by respecting your boundaries and leaving. If he wants to try and mend the relationship in the future, he will have ro work on that with both your children and yourself.

My father was abusive to both my DM and me. He had an affair when I was 11 and my DM felt unable to leave or tell him to go. As a result I suffered another 10 years of abuse until I left home. He continued to abuse DM until his death when I was 40.

I wish my DM had had the strength to end the relationship.

Please listen to your children and end this now.