Interim period stress

[AnneofClevesfan]

I’m getting divorced. i filed a few months ago & ploughing through the stages of it & working towards moving out at which point the agreement reached with my STBXH about when DD is with us will kick in (agreed 50/50 at mediation). But this interim bit is driving me mad. All still living together. We agreed not to tell DD until the move was about to happen but she can see STBXH is in the spare room & has asked about it. STBXH is constantly starting rows, giving me filthy looks, or trying to force us to do things “as a family” on the basis we haven’t yet told DD, as well as still doing all the things that made me start all this (emotional abuse, controlling behaviour etc etc). He says I’m a home wrecker which is hard to hear. I know I am doing the right thing but I’m finding it hard to cope. He has absolutely vetoed telling DD (who is 6) while we don’t know exactly what will happen and when, because it would be too confusing. But this feels more confusing & I worry I am doing damage to DD. It also feels horrible for me. Like living a double life or being in limbo or a fake marriage. Has anyone been through this and how did you cope?

I didn't want to read and run. When my ExH and I seperated we actually told our DS straight away so our situation was different. We did however have a period of living together and so we started the 50/50 split almost immediately. On his week with DS, I would work late, go out with friends etc. When it was his week he did the same. If we were both in the house the one whose week it was would use more of the downstairs space with DS and the other kept themselves to themselves. Clearly we didn't stop DS popping in to see the other parent.

What have you been telling DD about why STBXH is in the spare room?

Is it likely one of you will stay in the house or will it need to be sold and both of you moving somewhere new?

Its hard because of his preference to not share with DD as ultimately that makes things more difficult. Just remember in the hard moments, this too shall pass. But I completely understand your concerns about living a fake life in front of your DD to appease his wishes.

@FatfunandADHD thank you. I now wish we had done that. How old was your child when you told them? We were just both worried DD was and is too young to process the idea of not being together but still sharing a home. And we spoke to a therapist who was very against telling her until the move was imminent. The aim at the moment is for me to leave & STBX to stay although I think ultimately he may also move. I hope to move in the next couple of months so it’s not long to go but I do feel the impact of the uncertainty is maybe worse than just telling her.

I was in this situation untill recently, and for far too long. Now things are very nearly sorted it's blissful, whole chunks of days where I don't have to have anything to do with him at all, and none of the seemingly endless divorce admin.
How did I cope? I guess I just about did, but as soon as there was space to did have crumbled a bit I did. Luckily I've been able to take some pressure off myself work wise for a while and spend time looking after the children and professing it all.

@TheLurpackYears It’s lovely to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel. When did you tell your children? I’m worried mine will think she’s been lied to as we are faking it right now.

We ended up telling them a few weeks before he moved out. Nobody else thought that was the right thing to do, but that's what we did. They seem to have taken it in their stride mostly. I'd imagine their perspective on it will change throughout their lives

@TheLurpackYears Thats so interesting because that’s exactly when we were advised to tell DD. It’s quite reassuring to hear that’s what someone else has done.

Our DS had just turned 6. It had not crossed my mind not to tell him and its a very interesting perspective and I have a huge amount of respect that you have done so and followed the advice.

For you, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and spend time day dreaming about your new place.

We found that part of helping our DS was about being excited about the change with him, so two Christmas celebrations, two birthday celebrations, two bedrooms, double the amount of toys etc. We framed it as an exciting time for everyone and to be fair the hardest part for him looking back over the previous 4 - 5 years is the times where me an ExH have not got on and he has been made aware of it.

@FatfunandADHD that’s incredibly helpful. Thank you. My STBX is not on board with trying to make it exciting as he is furious with me about it but I think I will talk to him about that soon & how we have to put DD first in the way we do this. (I think the issue is he is still hoping we won’t do it at all.)

The advice I got here was so helpful that I’m back for more. I think I will be moving in the next couple of months so now we will be telling our child. STBXH is incredibly hostile & in denial about it all & i am worried he will say awful things about me to our child.
i am still hoping we will do the telling together and agree what to say.
But what if he doesn’t? Does anyone have experience of how to deal with this so our child is put first?

👋

I can sympathise @AnneofClevesfan . Unfortunately my ex husband went from devastated, very quickly to trying to destroy me. On the day we told the kids, he refused to do it together and he took them into a separate room. I have no idea what he said, but he chose to put himself first.
My only advice is to break the news to your daughter but definitely make sure she knows what will happen next.
Good luck OP. It's the toughest thing I've been through but we all come out the other side, you can do t.

Thanks @MadameRed. That’s what I’m afraid of.
i guess I will try to persuade him to do it together and agree what to say and if he won’t do it I will tell her myself.

I'm a decade beyond this. It was a horrendous time for me. Ex was in denial and playing the victim. The kids were aged 9 to 14 so a bit older. They had no or very little idea anything was wrong. I coped by focusing on the end objective and slogging on but it was so tough.

I told them in the end but he was there. He chose to sit cuddling them and crying. Total emotional manipulation.

He appeared to have behaved OKish after that but recently my youngest told me he's been saying nasty things to her about me (and my new partner) the whole time. She asked him lots of times not to do it. She's seen right through him and says he cares more about himself than her feelings and wellbeing.

I didn't say anything negative about him or the situation until they were older and initiated discussions. At that point I thought it best to be honest, especially with my daughter, to educate them about relationships, how people can be and why. (Ex had a shitty upbringing).

They totally get why I ended it and I have good relationships with all of them. None of them see their dad much now it's their choice (we were 50:50) even though he lives about 2 minutes away from us.

You'll get through it and the relief when it's over will be immense. Then you can start your new life. It'll be fantastic even if he's still being a shit you won't have to deal with it 24/7.

Thank you @CatusFlatus. I’m so glad to hear these stories of mothers and children coming through but also raging at what you all went through.
Mine has said he “can’t lie” to DD (7) so will say it’s all my idea / my fault.
I think maybe I will take the lead on telling her & then at least I can say some kind and age appropriate and child-centred things before he undermines and accuses and puts himself first.