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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Ending an abusive relationship

9 replies

buddybear77 · 04/08/2024 19:18

Hello, I am just looking for some support from people who might have gone through the same thing.
I've been with my partner for 27 years, always had problems that I didn't know was abuse until about a year ago when I ended up calling the police on him and spoke to a domestic abuse charity they put me in touch with.
He's a narcissist and very controlling, I have no friends at all and no family as my parents are both passed away and I only have 1 sister who lives in a different part of the country.
I have 3 kids, all adults now, my son is the youngest he's 19 and autistic so still very reliant on me.
My partner accused me of cheating again on Wednesday as he's done many times before even though I never go out on my own and I'd only been to the local shop and taken 5 mins to return.
I ended up standing up for myself and said I would call the police if he didn't stop shouting at me.
He left and ended up getting emergency accommodation in a hotel for 2 nights (I found out he's told the council he was fleeing domestic abuse in order to secure this)
When this came to an end he's come back and told me the council said I can't stop him staying here as we have a joint tenancy, he said we're over but he wants to remain friends and he'll stay upstairs and me downstairs until he finds his own place.
I don't think he has any intention of doing this, it's just another way to manipulate and control me.
I really just need some support and advice on what to do next as I want to get him out of the house but don't know how to go about it.
He's never been physically violent, it's all emotional abuse and controlling behaviour so I don't think I could get the police involved?
He's hoping he can push me out by living like this until I get to the point where I'll leave, I don't want to do this as I have nowhere to go and I won't leave my son here with him.
Any help or advice would be appreciated very much
Thank you

OP posts:
Starsponge · 04/08/2024 20:35

Hello @buddybear77 That sounds like a very difficult situation. I am in a similar position to you and am now making plans to leave my EA/VA husband. He’s never been physically violent either, it’s all control, name calling, threats and psychological games.

Have you contacted Women’s Aid?

I have had one appointment with them so far and they were brilliant, there’s lots of support out there, you are not alone.

Women’s aid did not recommend I remain in the house (council house) and advised that one option would be for me to declare myself “homeless” due to DA and get myself rehoused with a housing association. Remaining in the house with your abuser is dangerous especially as he knows he’s losing his grip on you. They said if he moves out he can still see the house as “his”, harass and turn up etc. They advised that moving out is a good option as it will be yours with no shared memories and he won’t be able to use it as a weapon that he was “kicked out”

WA also recommended a solicitor who specialises in DV and I’m going to be seeking advice.

I am making a record of everything he’s ever said to me that is abusive.

Have you read Why does he do that? By Lundy Brandctoft?

I too have an autistic son which I understand makes leaving all the more complicated.

When I leave I am going to accept every bit of help there is. I am beginning to visualise myself in my new home happy and free.

You are not alone 💐

buddybear77 · 05/08/2024 00:54

Hello @Starsponge and thank you for replying. I am sorry to hear that you too are going through this and well done for reaching out and starting to get help because I know its not easy, especially when the abuse isn't physical and it's harder to explain to people how much it affects you.
Can I ask what happens if you declare yourself homeless? Do you have anywhere to go while you're waiting to be rehoused? I would just leave if I didn't have my son to think about but there's no way I'm leaving him with my partner so this is the dilemma of not being able to leave myself.
It's harder when they are autistic aswell as you will know yourself, they rely on you for everything and also it's difficult to explain what's happening in a way that they understand fully.
I am going to ring women's aid in the morning and see if I can get some support and help.
At the moment I just feel like there's no way out, it's just hell...
I am actually reading Lundy Bancroft at the moment and I have to say it really does open your eyes to the fact that it's definitely abuse as I have doubted myself sometimes but I can really identify with a lot of it.
Really grateful for your reply and I would like to say that you are not alone either, I understand you and I hope we both can get through this and find some happiness.
Sending you a hug x

OP posts:
Snowflake2 · 05/08/2024 01:58

Good luck StarSponge

OP . You can speak to the landlord. They may support you in changing the locks. A new Yale lock is cheap and easy to change yourself.

Can you afford to rent the house by yourself? Can he? If you can and he can't, there's nothing to be gained by him staying there, so the landlord is likely to support you in ending the tenancy and taking you on as a sole tenant. Especially if you explain its an abusive relationship.

I don't believe him when he says he got housed by the council. It wouldn't have happened that quickly. Not even for emergency accommodation. He's paid for a hotel is all.

Do yo want to live where he knows you though? Would you prefer to start again where your sister is? If he's a narcissist he's unlikely to let you go so easily and it might be better, safer and less stressful if he doesn't have your address. Women's Aid could help you relocate. You have grounds to be housed by the council in the area your sister is, she counts as a local connection.

Where does your 19yr old autistic son live? Would he move house with you if you got settled somewhere new?

When you declare yourself homeless, you present at the council place, ring them and find out where it is. They assess you to decide if you're voluntarily homeless or not. Fleeing DA means your homeless. They find you temporary accommodation which may not happen instantly. You have to accept it whatever it is. If you turn it down they'll say you're making yourself voluntarily homeless, they don't have to help you any more if you do that. Once you're in temporary accommodation that will perhaps change to other temporary accommodation. As part of the assessment the council will put you on their housing list and will determine how many points you have and what banding you are. You log on weekly and are allowed to bid for a certain number of properties each week. The one with the banding that closest matches the property (the properties are allocated a banding too, not just the people) and has the most points and has been on the list the longest, is who gets it. It goes in that order so don't worry you haven't been on the list long.

You might be able to apply to go on the list without their help. Google it. In my area it's called [MyTown] Home Options so try that with your town name. I'd apply to go on the list in your sisters council area too.

Women's Aid could put you in one of their refuges but they wouldn't take your son because he's an adult male. Phone your local Women's Aid branch the national helpline gets busy. If you need to flee in an emergency you can go to any branch in the UK for help.

The council won't house your son in temporary accommodation either, unless perhaps he's being abused too. Once you're in permanent council housing (you'll be entitled to a one bedroom place) 2 people can live there. Usually they'd be a couple in one bedroom, but you could make living room and bedroom into two bedsits (daybeds are a useful compromise between bed and sofa) and share with your son.

Can your son go away to university and live in? Even if it fails because he's not capable. Just as a way of getting housed for a while.

Depending on area supply/demand you can wait months to decades for permanent housing and could be housed out of your current area. The council can also house you by helping you secure a private rental. They have landlords who accept people on benefits, with poor credit etc and can help with the deposit.

Snowflake2 · 05/08/2024 02:05

I'm assuming your husband wouldn't kick your son out, if he does then your son is homeless too because he's not on the tenancy agreement I assume so has no rights to stay. Then you could choose to be rehoused together or separately. The latter might be the best way for your son to get any specialist help he needs eg supported accommodation or whatever, if he's otherwise going to be living with you forever.

LemonTT · 05/08/2024 08:57

Are you in council or housing association accommodation?

buddybear77 · 05/08/2024 12:56

@Snowflake2 thank you for such a detailed reply, I really appreciate it...
I am in the situation where I will not and cannot leave my son, if I left he would have to come with me, there's no compromise on that because he needs me and relies on me.. He does go to uni but commutes there with my partner taking him in the car. He can't go on trains on his own and he tried living in uni accommodation for the first semester but couldn't cope with it and got very bad anxiety there so after Christmas last year he started commuting instead.
I will definitely put myself down on the council list in my sisters area, she also has a severely disabled daughter so I can put the family connection thing down on the application aswell as she genuinely needs some family support herself anyway..
Would I not be able to apply for a 2 bedroom for my son to live with me seeing as though he has additional needs and can't live independently?
It's so overwhelming trying to get everything sorted, I'm waiting for hlm to go out so I can ring my local women's aid so will update once I've spoken to them.
Thank you so much

OP posts:
buddybear77 · 05/08/2024 12:57

@LemonTT im in a council property, it's a joint tenancy with him.

OP posts:
Snowflake2 · 05/08/2024 14:40

Would I not be able to apply for a 2 bedroom for my son to live with me seeing as though he has additional needs and can't live independently?

There's two issues with this.

First. Proof. You need medical backup of this. Letters from social workers etc.

Second. Your son has two parents. If his other parent is happy for him to stay living there and is caring for your son not abusing him, then your son is neither homeless nor living alone.

With an allocation of need for a one bedroom place, you will likely have the opportunity to bid on two bedroom places too, but it's false hope and you are highly unlikely to get one of them. Perhaps you'll get lucky if nobody else in the correct banding bids for it. Realistically though, by bidding on two bedroom places, you're drastically extending the length of time you're in temporary accommodation.

Temporary accommodation isn't free. And it's expensive. If you're on housing benefit when living as a single person, you'll get special dispensation to have the rent covered by that, above and beyond the usual amount allowed, because it's not your choice to live there. If you have a job and aren't entitled to housing benefit, you'll have to pay the rental yourself. Benefits come from the government except housing benefit, which comes from the council. If the council are paying your rent they're not going to want you in temporary accommodation long term and you'll find if you're unsuccessful with bidding you'll probably be offered a direct let. That's where they don't put the property on the bidding list they just give it to someone of their choice. In my area you can refuse a maximum of two of these before they consider you to have made yourself voluntarily homeless, which would mean you being evicted from temporary accommodation.

All you can do is tell them about your son. Don't delay putting the application in, you can update details at any point. Get yourself on the lists and then start gathering evidence that your son should be housed with you. You may or may not be successful with that.

It's worth bearing in mind that living in a toxic environment will be affecting you son too. My advice is to take the help, get out by any means possible then offer your son a place to stay with you once that's possible. The alternative is both you and your son being trapped in a toxic environment long term.

If your temporary accommodation isn't very nice your son may be better off not being in that environment anyway. If you go into a women's refuge it will be safer and more supportive than some temporary accommodation can be, you'll be less stressed than in a bad place and so better able to help your son. Equally if you got given a one bedroom flat for temporary accommodation you could do as I said and let your son live with you in a bedsit each.

Sorry to be blunt but if you shy away from asking for help then nothing will change, one day you'll die of old age and you son will still be living with your husband (unless husband died first). You're not protecting him by staying, it's only a short term quick fix. You may as well sort it out once and for all by leaving now.

The alternative is to play the long game, which depending on your husband may or may not be possible. You can forget about him moving out. He's discovered from two nights sat in a hotel googling that he's got rights to the tenancy. As a single healthy man he knows he has no chance of being rehoused by the council, so he's hanging oni this cheap secure tenancy. Emotional abuse and coercive control is hard to prove. If you did manage to get it taken seriously by police and actions were taken against you husband, I personally think it's unlikely he'll be removed from the house (yes I'm cynical with little faith). When coercive control ceases to be effective it's common for abuse to ramp up and turn physical. Staying now your eyes have been opened and you've started standing up for yourself, isn't really an option in terms of your safety. But the alternative is to stay and play the long game. Women's Aid can help you make a plan for this if it's what you decide. You'll need a job (so would DH sabotage it preventing you from going so you're fired or take your wages?) and to get yourself into a position to move out into private rented accommodation.

I know all the options suck. The fucked up "silver lining" is this isn't just a relationship breakdown, it's DA which means the chance of a place in a refuge, more points for the bidding list and an acceptance that you're homeless (which you wouldn't otherwise be without the DA) so priority banding. I know it doesn't feel like much of a "golden ticket" but nevertheless it's one you possess and I'd use it to your advantage to get rehoused by the council if I were you.

Snowflake2 · 05/08/2024 15:08

Also your son should get himself on the housing list too . He's an adult and entitled to his own place. With length of time on the list taken into account it's best to be on it even if he doesn't intend to bid yet. If he's got a social worker he should ask them about moving out. If he can't live independently and needs supported accommodation he's entitled to that. He doesn't have to live with a parent forever just because he can't cope alone. If he doesn't have a social worker and wants to move out (to get away from your husband) then contact adult social services for help. If he has the medical backup of needing supported living it helps with your claim of having him housed with you. Family care is the cheapest and easiest care so SS will help you achieve it rather than providing supported accommodation. If he's at university it may be harder to get him assessed as needing help though. People can be wrongly judged as being capable purely based on their intelligence. Which as you know with ASD that's bullshit. He needs to see what help is available from university. They have counsellors etc I don't know what other forms of help they offer with the aspects of life outside of studying.

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