Help to see if I’m within my rights…

[Citylife2024]

Hello, hoping someone might be able to help or has been in a similar situation.
i would say It’s not co-parenting, less than that, DC lives with me and is with me 99% of the time, Dad see’s our child around twice a month, sometimes once.
from Saturday morning to Sunday evening. To drop half way and collect half way.

my dilemma is we live an hour and a half away from eachother. With traffic 2 hours one way,
he cancels and is rather unreliable with sticking to our verbal agreement, we have for a few years met half way, always with the understanding and agreement that this is to only happen if I receive child maintenance,

he has not been sticking to this and hasn’t given me any financial help for months, I’m stuck as child maintenance service says as he’s self employed there is a loophole that makes it tricky for me and in turn they say he doesn’t earn enough from what they can see so I get £0.
with this in mind I fully support our child and live with my DC in rented accommodation.
i can Not afford to do these journeys anymore, i would like my ex to pick my son up and drop back to me.
nothing is in place legally due to lack of funds and not getting enough legal help to be able to do this

is this fair and can I do this? I just feel it’s a huge weight on my shoulders to provide and I work, and to continue to do the journeys back and forth is taking a financial strain on me.
Ive done it up until now to keep the peace.

any help, advice welcomed, I can’t do the legal route at the moment

Who moved?

Well we lived in a different location together, when we split he moved away, I stayed in the house for a further year and then I moved in the opposite direction (towards home area where I grew up as he did the same)

so distance is wider, we were never married but with eachother 20yrs,

he returned back to home town first. I thought this was taken into account only if you have legal custody?

Under those circumstances no, I can’t see that you can stop meeting half way. You are both responsible for the distance between you and so you’re both responsible for facilitating that contact.

It’s incredibly difficult if you’re getting no child maintenance and are left to support your child on your own. Since he says he’s self employed it may well be he’s able to give figures which will result in no payment to you. This doesn’t mean he has no money as he seems to own a car and pay for its upkeep.

What do you think is best for your child and would be in her long term interests? She has been seeing her father and staying overnight so there appears to be a relationship there.

If you and your daughter believe it would be good for her to keep seeing her father, could you tell your ex that, if no payments are made to you, he must collect and drop off your daughter for each visit as you can’t afford this. If this meant he was seeing her every 3/4 weeks, this might be doable. Frankly, it seems the least he can do.

You should also be telling him of childcare costs, clothing, hobbies etc that you have to pay for, and asking for his half share of these. If he’s self employed then presumably he’s making a living from it, so can afford his share of these payments.

The decision is ultimately his, not yours. If you’re doing as much as you can to support your daughter, then his part of the bargain is to make financial contributions too. Children cost money so he should stump up. If this means he isn’t willing to take some of the burden and prefers not to have access as a result, then that’s up to him. Make sure your daughter understands this, if she’s old enough to do so.

If he isn't paying maintenance then no I wouldn't be doing any driving. Let him take you to court. Bet he won't

This. He sounds like a shit dad.

I would say you are both responsible for ensuring contact then in your scenario. But, if you can't afford it then you'll have to stop and see how he proceeds. You say you have been doing this for a few years is your child able to make the journey alone if you put on public transport one end and he collects at the other? Does your child want to go?

So he doesn't make an effort to see his child regularly? He doesn't pay you any maintenance? Why on Earth would you do anything to help him out at your expense.

If he wants to take you to court for it I'd let him, with his £0 income

Have you applied for an income variation? I've read on similar threads that if he is getting most of his income via dividends, you need to make a special request for them to be taken into account:
https://www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out/ask-other-income-expenses-included

@Mrsttcno1 even though I have zero financial help from him?
often only one over night per month so I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask he does the collect and drop home.

@BlackBean2023 yes you are right, he’s been very volatile and abusive over the years so to save my sanity and always doing right by DC I’ve tried to keep the peace

its now financially at my expense so I feel your right

@helleborus thankyou for this, I didn’t know this was an option

@Doggymummar I should of mentioned I’ve done the full journey all the way to DC dads when he’s had car trouble or asked me and I’ve felt pressured to and obviously for my child I have,
however he cancels a lot, always on the day of arranged visit,
mum left to explain to DC

I can’t financially do it anymore, my DC is too young to make the journey but also is feeling lack of effort when at dads house so it’s incredibly hard, I’ve tried to keep the visits consistent for our child’s sake

he does earn, just loophole with CM and self employed

@Honeysuckle16 I’ve tried for as long as possible to be amicable and travel for my DC sake
as you said it’s financially a lot and it’s taking it’s toll, I work but I run a house, expenses and as you said life, food, bills, clothes and the million and one other things

my DC obviously loves their dad and like wise but there is the selfish element as it doesn’t matter how much I try and ask, reason with ex, no money is provided to us (me and DC) to support fairly, it’s been months now and I’ve not had any help and I just can’t do the drops anymore

I turned to this forum as I’m at a loose end, lack of effort is made when DC is there and they are verbalising that to me

drops are never done by ex, only his family members, often too busy, asleep or ill