I will try to be brief, but being brief will simplify some very complex nuances. Please keep that in mind. In England, if that matters.
We have 2 pre-teen kids. Through the challenges of modern life, modern parenting, my job requiring travel (to be a moderately high earner), usual relationship miscommunications and missteps, mortgage strain from interest hikes, cost of living strain, having moved to a new area and taking on higher mortgage debt for school catchments just before cost of living up-curve. My Wife pulled away from me enough to meet someone else. I don't know what went on, but I caught her in the lies of spending time with him when she was supposedly sleeping at a friends house.
Even after this point, I knew what was in store for us and her and the kids if we went through the divorce route. I tried to ask her to stay and work on it. I tried to protect my 3 loves from the pain I saw coming, by taking the pain on myself. I mean I would have to process the pain regardless, so I was willing to spend that time processing it with her. She has self proclaimed, "walk away wife syndrome". Believes we are not right for each other (Aspects of that are true, but who is really? And long term relationships are about touching base when you feel your wants and needs in life are changing)
Anyway, so we are now many months down the line. She could not move out, so I have had to. I am living with family about 30 minutes away from the marital home. I have always covered 2 3rds of all shared costs in the home. As I earn about 2x what she does after tax. She has overspent on her lifestyle, not massively, but has many things that she feels are necessities. While we were married, I didn't mind covering those extra things because she was my partner and I thought it made her happy. Now the reality is that when we split and try to each get a house in the same town, to stay close enough for the catchment schools and for me to be near to my kids. We will not have any money left. Not really. I have tried to explain to her that she needs to reign in her personal spends. She complains that I am being controlling and that she wont sacrifice these things. We will be going to mediation soon, there I hope she gets the reality check that she needs. All told, she spends about £450 on things over and above groceries and the real necessities in life. I always saved 100% of the safety nest egg. Holidays, car services, house insurance, car insurance, tv license. All those annual bills etc... That she will now have to save for on her own. Which will have to start coming out of that overspend budget from before. Because I will still have to save all of these things for myself. With my own house to run and save for.
So she didnt see that me paying for 2/3rds was basically like me covering child maintenance. So she insisted that we go to child maintenance way of being now. I worked out the statutory and then said I no longer pay 2/3rds of everything. I only pay half of the things My name is on. So Mortgage, utilities, council tax, broadband, etc... Then pay her the child maintenance amount. What she doesn't realise is that in this situation, I am paying about £250 more to her current living costs, than what she is likely to end up with after we split. because I wont be paying those halves. Yet she still complains that she doesn't have much left at the end of the month, but still hasn't twigged that many of her personal spends are above her means.
I want am trying to get her to see this and make these lifestyle adjustments in the relative safety of our current home, before it is sold. Where she has me to support her. Even though she wants out, even though she cheated and lied, I still want to make sure she is okay. I just dont think it is fair for me to help her be better than okay financially if it is at my expense. As someone who earns decent money, I need to be able to spoil my kids if that is at all possible. I wont see them often, so I need my time to be quality time. Plus, if I don't have a few hundred left over in a month to spoil my kids and try to look after myself, as the person with the high stress job that pays that much to help offset the extra stress. Then what would be the point of working that hard? It doesn't look like I would have much left over anyway. And with a post-separation cancer operation to deal with on top of all of this, I currently don't feel as though I can stick in my career, never mind advance it above this semi-hard ceiling I have already hit on my earning potential. She has some studies that she can complete and raise her earning potential by 20 - 50% if she tried at it. For me to raise by 20 - 50% I would have to take on much more risk and stress, either freelancing or trying to push into management positions. (Current stress already being high)
The last conversation we had, I was firm about what child maintenance covers. Food, clothes, housing etc... (even though I am actually covering 50% of the current utilities outside of the child maint amount, I agreed to the full calculated amount for the interim until we are through mediation). She balked at it, feeling I am being unreasonable, and then saying I am controlling when I bring up her personal spends and the new reality we find ourselves in. A reality she asked for, that I fought to protect her from. Now I have to fight to protect myself from it, otherwise I might come out of this as the chump who capitulated during mediation. Particularly if this other man is waiting in the wings, which I have no way of knowing.
So, with how lengthy that brief tour was, am I being unreasonable? Am I being insane. There is of course more to it on both sides. I have tried to keep it to the relevant bits. For income figures, she earns about 2k and I earn about 4k, both after tax.