Ex won’t stop manipulating my mother

[Podperfect]

Going through very messy divorce and it’s really nasty. XDH has a restraining order against him contacting me as the court found him guilty of harassment. He is Refusing to corporate at all with any of the court deadlines and has a Penal Notice against him now…… it’s been an awful few years but finally I managed to get away….. he’s always been controlling and won’t let me go My mother (now elderly and widowed) is totally under his spell, thinks he’s lovely and charming and believes his rhetoric that I am the villain and have just run off and I want to destroy the family. She’s a devout Christian and doesn’t believe in divorce. He tells her terrible things that she believes like I have gone mad, hang out with weird people, want her in a nursing home and want her money etc. I just want peace and quiet and to feel safe and move on! I try to care for her (although she lives alone) since my dad died, but do her shopping, jobs around the house, etc and she’s always phoning me wanting stuff and is very demanding, but I try to be a good daughter, but it’s a real strain as she is very difficult and nasty to me as she is being manipulated all the time and she just won’t believe my side of things. She lies and denies speaking to him and says it’s in my head and I should “see someone” Then every now and again she lets slip something he has told her. I literally don’t know what to do. I have made the police aware, but they just say she has to make her own complaint. Just looking for any words of wisdom if anyone else has had their family turned against them and what did you do? Thank you for reading!

Maybe you should cut off contact with her? If she is very elderly she could get a home help coming round? You might need to do this for your own mental health.

Sounds like a really good Christian woman. Is there a touch of dementia at play here? If so get a POA done because ex is ironically probably after her money, safeguard that, then continue to be present and and when needed in the knowledge her cash if safely away from your ex but you can’t stop her being in touch with him. Failing that, get the POA then each time she says how wonderful and charming is ask her to call him for help, sure he’ll be no where to be seen.

I could have written your post. My mother chose to believe the utter nonsense from my exH because she is a massive narc and I had brought shame on the family by divorcing. I should have put up and shut up and she didn’t care a jot about my happiness. Also hugely devout Catholic, and literally only cares about what other people might think, not the fact that my ex was an abusive arse.

I lost loads of weight and look a million times better than when I was married and she said that if I had looked like this when we were together then he wouldn’t have been so difficult and it was my fault for being dowdy. That really takes special mental gymnastics.

She’s challenging!! In all honesty, no, not really! I left home at 16 because we used to argue and met my now ex at 17 and I’m now in my 50’s!! She’s never done emotions (unless they are hers) I am an only daughter and my dad was a good man and did everything for her. We kind of rubbed along on a superficial level for years. Since dad died she’s needed a lot more help and at this time of our life I hoped we might be able to bond and I’ve really tried. Right now it’s like a two pronged attack and I’ve questioned myself a million times with the “it must be me”. Unfortunately she will not listen, well, not to me anyway 😖

Stop seeing her.

She's horrible to you and doesn't appreciate what you do for her, so go NC.

You'll find it's such a relief, cutting toxic relatives out of your life.

Ourdearoldqueen are you still in touch with your mother or did you go NC? She sounds identical!!! The irony is I just want to get on with her……

You can’t bond with her. She doesn’t actually’get’ relationships. It’s sad.

Al she wants is the appearance of a loving daughter. Not an actual relationship.

Your ex, she can say ‘he’s such a nice man, still pops round, helps me reach the top shelf, tells me how wonderful I am…’

But you can't.

He is after her money/house/whatever he thinks he can get AND he is using her to get at you and cause you maximum stress.

You can just drop your end of the rope and cut both of them off, or if you think any of the above is worth trying to address, you could report the situation to social services as a safeguarding issue.

And then cut both of them off.

This is awful, OP. So disloyal of her. You'd be within your rights to tell her that her ongoing relationship with him and failure to support you means that you're going NC. And if she needs help, he can help her - seeing as he's supposedly such a sweetheart.

This may still count as harassment of you, but indirectly.

It might be worth making the police aware.

https://harassmentlawyer.co.uk/all-topics/indirect-harassment
If the harasser begins to contact individuals who are associated with the victim, for no apparent reason other than their link or connection with the victim, it is possible to infer from the harasser’s conduct that the harasser is intending to harass the victim through those communications.

Indirect harassment examples
Indirect harassment examples might include:

• Publishing an abusive post that refers to the victim by inference
• Sending unsolicited emails to the victim employee with complaints about the victim
• Warning the victim's partner of the victim's alleged behaviour towards her ex-boyfriend
• Targeting the victim's client-base or contact list with emails that contain true or false information about the victim
• Sending unsolicited emails to the victim’s contacts list

Telling your mother how awful you were and how you did bad thing, would be similar to the point above about warning the victim's partner of the victim's alleged behaviour toward her ex-boyfriend.

Speak to the police. I think he could well be in breech of the order you already have against him.

RedToothBrush This is really helpful thank you

This!!! That’s exactly what I think!! It’s all money motivated!! 😞

I'm going to note the following on this:

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/stalking-or-harassment

Behaviour by a suspect as part of a campaign of stalking or harassment could include:

• frequent unwanted contact, for example, attending at the home or the workplace of the victim, telephone calls, text messages, emails or use of other mechanisms such as the internet and social networking sites
• driving past the victim's home or work
• following or watching the victim
• sending letters or unwanted 'gifts' or items to the victim
• arranging for others to deliver unwanted items to the victim
• damaging the victim's property
• boasting that they are aware of the location or address of other family members or children
• burglary or robbery of the victim's home, workplace, vehicle or other
• becoming further and further embedded within a victim's life, for example, by making contact with their friends and family
• threats of physical harm to the victim (including sexual violence and threats to kill)
• physical and/or sexual assault of the victim and even murder

Victims may also be forced to alter their lifestyle choices which can include having to move home or job, restricting their social activities or otherwise altering their routines.

My bold.

He has no reason to contact your mother. If you have kids all communication should be going through the courts due to your court orders.

By contacting your mother, his intentions are not about his relation to you.

Its about isolating you from family (which could fall under some of the examples of coercive control) and punishing you. He is trying to damage your repuation with some of the things he is telling your mother.

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship
Look through the list here below where it says
Building on examples within the Statutory Guidance Framework, relevant behaviour of the suspect can include:

Stressing the point that its not an exhaustive list.

I don't know whether it would fall into this, but I think its worth considering. The key point if it is coercive control is to not make him aware that you consider it to be.

You might fall out with your mother still over this, but I do think his behaviour is probably unlawful and I would be seeking further advice if I could about it. Don't let the police fob you off so easily.

How much contact did he have with her directly (not facilitated by you) before you split up?

Did he regularly speak to her independently of you?

If this is a new thing, I think you can argue the point.

Wow!! ❤️❤️ thanks so much you amazing people for all your support and detailed replies!!

that is the thing….. we were together for over thirty years and he never even liked my mother. He was civil to her (and my dad) at family gatherings but on a superficial small talk kind of way, but certainly never phoned her for a chat!! Now he’s her best buddy, but the trouble is, she also contacts him as she’s lonely. She also doesn’t have any friends. She expects me to be there for her,(and I do try) and when I’m not, (and I have to give myself days off as it’s draining) she calls him to complain about me. I blocked his number on her phone and he even bought a new sim!!

the links are really useful, thank you so much. I definitely need more advice on all this and you guys here on Mumsnet have really helped encourage me!! It’s a stressful enough time anyway with the divorce, let alone this added layer of mess!! Thank you so much ❤️

If they're that close and she has such admiration for him let him sort her out. Leave them to it.