Finally bit the bullet…….now what????

[Xmasangel1505]

Morning!

my first time posting on mumsnet but have been reading threads for a while now.

bit of history, been with my husband nearly 20 years, married for 15. Have 2 sons, 16&14. Husband was in the military, retired 2 years ago after 24 years service. I’ve basically bought up our children by myself. For years we lived separately while he was away, only coming home weekends. In that time I retrained, worked full time, held down the house, looked after our boys, managed the boys after school activities and basically did everything which needed to be done to keep everyone ticking along.

Over the last 5 years I’ve come to realise whilst I like my husband as a person, I’m not in love with him. He’s a great dad to our boys but as a husband, I am basically his admin assistant and care taker. There is zero affection or intimacy between us, we don’t socialise together, have very different interests and have grown apart massively.

After going on holiday I made the decision to end my marriage. I don’t like who I am as a person when I’m with him, irritable, moody, etc and he actually deserves to be with someone who values him for who he is. So I told him that I wanted to separate. He asked why we can’t just carry on as roommates and I said because that’s not fair to either of us and eventually he will want more than I can give him which will end up with someone getting hurt.

He has gone into sulk mode, won’t talk to me about it. Has basically said he disagrees and he doesn’t know what to do? Asks me what he should do? So now we’re in this awkward limbo stage! I have been sleeping on the sofa as we don’t have a spare bedroom and don’t want to give him any false hope.

sorry for the long post, I guess I’m asking those who have been through it, does it get better??? What next??? I can’t see my husband actually doing anything so will it be left to me to make all the decisions?? This was part of my reason for leaving, I don’t think my husband even likes me, he just likes having a wife who will do everything for him!

thanks for reading if you got this far!!

Go to link at top of page to ADVICE NOW

download guides. Read them. Both of you.

then issue the divorce petition. Then he’ll have to figure out for himself what he’s going to do.

seriously, ADVICE NOW guides are brilliant.

I’m sorry to see you’ve only had one response as would love to hear from people who’ve been through this. I’m gearing up to have the same conversation with my husband of 16yrs. Have been roommates now for pretty much half of that time. 3x kids to factor in. He seems perfectly happy with the status quo. I’m so lonely.

Yes, it will be up to you. You want the divorce and he doesn't, so he won't do anything he isn't made to do by the courts.
You do not need to reach a consensus with him on this. You want out. It's not up to him and he can't stop you, not should you delay it because of how he feels. You're obviously done, so see a lawyer.

Morning,

to be fair, since my original post quite a lot has been going on. I’ve had some very honest conversations with my husband, all initiated by me but as the other response said, this was my choice, so I’ve had to take the reins in making sure that we don’t just pretend the conversation never happened, which would be my husbands preference.

he actually moves out next week, he’s been busy sourcing new furniture and making sure the boys have their rooms set up so they can stay with him as well. I’m keeping our house, I pay all the bills anyway so will carry on doing so and he is moving into a house supplied by his employer.

there was a point I questioned whether I was doing the right thing, I’ve explained to my husband what I need, that emotional connection, the engagement with each other, conversation, making time for each other. He reckons he can still provide all of that but nothing has changed, and I think once he’s actually moves out contact will be limited and will revolve around the boys instead. And I’ve come to peace with that, yes it’s sad that my 20 year relationship is ending, but we’re both adults, we’re no longer the 20 year olds we were when we met, and we both deserve to be happy.

Good luck if you do have the conversation with your husband. Do you think he’s expecting it? Does he think anything is wrong? My husband said i blindsided him but it’s more the fact he hasn’t been listening for years!

Great update op.
Sounds very mature from you both.
As long as you keep putting the kids first , as you're doing you'll be ok.
Good luck in your new life.

Watching with awe. This is how to do it.

How are your DC taking it?

I wonder how one achieves a similarly orderly and stable separation in a situation where the separating couple can't afford 2 homes without a family home sale and big downgrade. That would be my situation, in a similarly companionable but not intimate stalemate, and is a big constraint. I pay for everything and would resent losing my home and my kids QoL to fund him to be set up off my hard work - which I know is a sunk cost fallacy in action.

Edited for typos

Wow, could have written this myself. Very similar situation over here. Nice to know it’s not just me. X

My children have been amazing, they are older though so at 14 and 16 we sat them down together and said that we needed to live separately from now on.

my eldests response was “well that’s life, at least you don’t hate each other” and my youngest was more concerned over how he was going to get to school 😂 he’s now wrapped up in the excitement of picking out new furniture for his new bedroom as the reality is he will spend more time at his dads than mine due to my husband living at his school in staff housing.

I think my immediate family have been more upset than my children! As I’ve said to them, no one’s died! Just my marriage! My husband has been a part of our lives for 20 years, I don’t expect anyone to cut him out of theirs! I even rang his mum after he’d told her to explain reasoning and she saw my point and just wants her son to be happy which I totally understand.

being honest and having the hard conversations has been a complete game changer, we’re getting on better and I feel all those years of pent up resentment slowly dissolving. But I still don’t want to be his wife 😂

You sound so clear-headed! Fantastic that you're keeping open family relationships without animosity. Your kids sound confident enough to be able to handle it too, which is a big credit to you. You should be a divorce mentor!

I bloody love you OP. You’ve done a great job. I’m in a similar position but DH not in army, just a great job in very male dominated sector, that we have, as a family bowed down to, made all adjustments for him to literally go to work early, come home to a nice meal, all family running around done
by me, he did naff all family wise, leaving family/school/club commitments to me, plus he goes to the pub roughly 4 times a week.

However ive always worked FT, originally earned slightly less, in recent years Ive massively progressed career and now out earning him, one year almost tripled his income.

Im tired, menopausal and fucking livid, I’ve discussed divorce, he isn’t taking me seriously