What do you do when you want a divorce but have such young kids and two very involved parents? *edited by MNHQ

[justkeepbreathin]

How do you do it?

I want to divorce, I have valid reasons to want a divorce and I think it has to happen at some point, I thought I'd finally be brave enough to do it but now I'm frozen in my tracks because of custody arrangements.

Their dad loves them so much, he does desperately want to keep the family together and see them daily. He wouldn't want less than 50/50, I wouldn't want less than 50/50, but 50/50 probably isn't right for a 5 and 1 year old.

It makes me feel trapped and like I need to stay because that's what is right for the kids. I don't want to be the bad guy that takes them away from their dad more than he wants them, he doesn't want to lose them at all so taking them for more than 50% of the time just feels cruel, but I also don't think I could sacrifice that time and be the parent that takes less.

I guess this is why people stay for the kids? Am I just doing it when they are too young? Would this be easier when they're both school age to make a 50/50 arrangement work?

50:50 can work at that age. I know many people who’ve done it

I don’t know the answer but is it irretrievably broken and do you both want to break up ?

I think most women consider divorce when they have babies / small children…

If your mind is set do it now…
If I decided to hang on it would only ne because it suited me ie because it suited me in terms of finances/work /access

non 50/50 access isn’t a blocker if you are both putting the kids first.
no decent father would demand 50/50 for a breast fed 1 yr old for example

No no no.

Do NOT stay for this reason.

I divorced under similar circs, and honestly the younger you do it the more normal it is for the kids.

Ex sees DC for an hour or two every night, even if it's not sleepover night. So he has quality time every day but it's not technically 50/50. Would that help?

Could you give me an idea of what that sort of schedule looks like? What ages are your kids? How do you feel they've coped?

@justkeepbreathin My ex does pickup three nights a week so does 5-6pm. He also does an hour on a Sunday night.

This is in addition to one night a week and EoW sleepovers, which are what count officially.

We also live a mile from each other, which will be good for DC as he grows up (preschool age now) so will be able to walk to daddy's house.

Honestly, there are times when it's too much for ME as I have to see abusive ex nearly every day. But it's better for DC, who was 2 when we split and has never questioned why there's a Mummy's House AND a Daddy's House. He knows we used to live in a house together, but honestly hasn't ever asked why we don't any more. It would be so much harder if he was older.

Yes I guess it would be a 'good' time for my 1 year old as he wouldn't know anything different. My 5 year old is so sensitive I can't help but worry so much how he'd cope. He's so attached to me and his dad. It's so easy to think their happiness is worth more than mine and that maybe I just need to suck it up.

No one can really say really as it's not our marriage - but in the absence of abuse and if the marriage is just stale and boring then yes I would stick it out rather than lose that precious time with my young children. 75% of all the time you'll ever have with your child is over by the time they are age 12....to then lose half that under a 50/50 custody split.....