Why does a divorce not happen.

[Rubble1956]

Rubble1956 · Yesterday 21:23
Reading articles about people separated who do not then seek to divorce . For reasons only they can explain .

Been Living with a beautiful partner, female now for 11 years and she hasn’t divorced . We have alluded to marrying on several occasions .

Her ex was very bad to her and seriously mistreated her. But she hasn’t risen to divorcing him , nor has he sought to get divorced from her , instead talking about when he is ready they will sort it out simply . When he retires ? When he decides ? Maybe never ? But she waits .,

Talked of marriage with me but now has said she won’t marry again . Strange behaviour which I cannot understand .

I was previously married but my wife died . Had a great marriage and no regrets .

This situation , especially when he was bad to her , I don’t now follow at all .

I am loving , patient, romantic , good humour I consider myself a good guy and good person.

Why would this be ? Why is it like this ? I would have thought she should get out if only to emphasise he wasn’t at all good to her as his reputation I feel is fully in tact as this didn’t transpire.

I really am lost

I think you're right that only the people themselves can explain it. I can think of a couple of possible explanations for what you describe:

a) They haven't divorced because neither of them quite wants to.

b) She's afraid of him due to what happened. While he has gone away and is not making contact she will leave things exactly as they are, to avoid provoking him into coming back. Just fear and inertia.

Do either of those sound more likely explanations?

Either way, from a detached viewpoint it might be wise not to commit yourself too much until she has disentangled herself. To avoid setting yourself up to get hurt. But it sounds like I'm a bit late to give that advice!

It’s fear for a lot of people. Fear of antagonising somebody they are scared of doing that to, and fear of the unknown - court is scarily official for many people.

People who are luckily enough to have only experienced good marriages have no idea what a bad one does to you. You need to decide if you can continue (happily and with no resentment) with this relationship even if it never leads to a marriage.

There could be sound financial reasons not to divorce and definitely not to remarry.

Let's say they had kids together. It might make sense not to divorce so that the shared marital home goes to the surviving parent. Ditto with pension.

After being financially enmeshed with one person, a lot of people are more rational and logical about doing it a second time.

Why do you think not divorcing preserves his reputation as a good guy? Why would this bother you?

Whenever someone is really badly treated and the person abused as in this case doesn’t at some reasonable point end that Completely , to me it comes close to indicating to all , it might not have been so woeful . Both having inertia is I suppose retaining his reputation as just two people who parted as opposed to him having to feel he created this .

I just possibly feel that people like him need to be seen to take ownership of their woeful behaviour.

doesn’t mean I think it wasn’t bad it’s just my logic says take your time but finish it and walk away clean .

I don’t have any resentment at all towards her it’s the inertia that’s causing me so much anxiety. She goes as far as hiding our relationship ( I know after 11 years how do you do that ) believe me it’s there .

it’s the likes of that as someone explained to me recently there is a difference in privacy and secrecy . I class this as secrecy which puts him in a controlling influence on my life which I would prefer wasn’t there .,

So it could have been done after a period of rest and recovery from the stressss , but it isn’t . Seems like if he does nothing it will carry on and my view is he knows she won’t go forward if he doesn’t so he knows he is managing outcomes .

if I was sitting with a wife of 11 years in tow I think I would accept a woman would say no way .,

no children involved .,just life to be lead .

i do understand someone who would come from that type of relationship needs serious time but after initial experience I feel the more you give the more is taken and tbh it’s wrong to do that . Sieak up by all means with an intent not to marry but leaving it to year 10 yo declare isn’t my idea of love and respect.

Sometimes people change/show their true colors once they get married. Even when the couple was previously living together. It can make divorced people nervous of marriage with a new partner if they are worried the same thing will happen again and they'll again find themselves married to a very different person than they lived with.

You mentioned the relationship was abusive. Divorce can be used as another way of abusing, manipulating and controlling a partner. Just look at how many divorces get dragged on through court over ridiculous reasons. And usually it is done to control the ex. She might be afraid of poking the bear and dredging it all up again with him. She might not have it in her to fight him again. She may also stand to benefit financially when he dies if they remain married.

I separated from my ex last year. We are at a bit of a stalemate with the divorce because as with everything else in our marriage, he is absolving all responsibility of it onto me to deal with. I refuse to be £600 out of pocket to pay for it when he was the one who left me. He is the one who is in a new relationship so he is the one with urgency about it. I am not. I know I am being petty, but it is my one last final act of not wiping his own arse for him when I've done it for 20 years.

Separated from abusive ex 7.5 years ago. He doesn’t work so I pay for everything for DD. I can’t afford to pay for a divorce and have no interest in a new relationship anyway. He applied for legal aid to divorce me this year and as I am not contesting anything hopefully we will be divorced soon.

It took me over four years to divorce my abusive ex. He stalled at every opportunity, failed to put his paperwork in, failed to turn up at Court, failed to respond, changed solicitors twice as a delaying tactic, ignored Court Bailiffs, lied to the Court, forged his financials, and so much more. To say it was stressful and exhausting is an understatement. It cost me an absolute fortune as we had to go all the way to Final Hearing as he wouldn't engage and I needed a Barrister.

I can totally understand why she doesn't want to poke that hornet's nest if he's not hassling her currently. It was worth it for me to get him away from me and protect myself, but it nearly broke me.

I will never get married again and I am still single by choice nearly seven years on.