Since 2016 my ex has been paying me child maintenance based on the basic figure the government online calculator gives (his stipulation, as he didn't want to pay me pay more than the basic and has insisted on arranging it between us without the CSA facilitating it). He never wanted to get married, so there was no divorce or court to influence the maintenance arrangements. For the first 2 years the amount wasn't amended despite his salary increases (he didn't instigate a review and I felt too bad to bring it up because he wasn't coping well with our split), then it went another 2 years before the next review and then again another 2 years. When reviews did happen, he didn't make any back payment of the extra I'd missed out on.
Our son has just finished primary school and I've worked out all the costs I've paid out myself since he started, such as school dinners, trips, after school club, swimming lessons (in and outside of school), football and piano etc, and it's over £4k. (This doesn't include all the school uniform and school shoes I've bought over the years as I didn't keep a record of those.) I've always paid for these expenses myself out of the maintenance I've received but, following a chat with a friend, it seems like the 'right' thing would be for him to have contributed towards these costs because they're over and above the 'basic costs of everyday living'. But I accept that that is a very vague term and open to interpretation.
My ex has always been in agreement with and happy for our son to take up his hobbies and I've completely involved him in his progress and enjoyment of these. (Ok so after school club isn't a hobby, but it was a necessary cost for a while.) But he's never offered to contribute financially to these additional costs and, as a result, I guess I've always just assumed they should fall with me given he's paying me CM. And it wasn't until I sat down and added them all up that I realised but how much of my CM has gone on these things.
My ex earns at least £30-40k more than me (I can't be 100% sure as he's always been secretive about his income), he's very frugal, is financially secure with a second rental property and a good pension (I can't afford these for myself, despite being 47) has no other children and has our son every other weekend and an additional weeknight every other week (his stipulation). I feel I shouldn't have to say this next bit but our son was also very much planned and wanted by both of us. I do ALL the heavy lifting, arranging, researching, all the admin, appointments, involving our son in extra curricular things, taking him out, showing him the world, taking him on holidays, arranging playdates. I've also always made sure my ex knows important dates so he doesn't miss anything (school plays, sports days, parents evenings etc), and always instigated sorting out holiday cover etc. The times when I've stopped doing this he either misses important things or I've been left in limbo not knowing if I need to book time off work or ask my mum to cover holidays, which is stressful every single time. This summer holiday, for example, he only let me know when he could have our son the week before the schools broke up, despite me asking him since May. So part of me has enabled him not lifting a finger, but part of me also knows from experience what will happen if I don't stay on top of things.
So basically I'm feeling like a bit of a mug for carrying these extra financial and practical responsibilities for so long and want to ask him for more of a financial contribution going forward (and possible financial compensation for previous outlay), especially as we're now moving on to secondary school.
I'm trying hard though to separate the emotional aspect of this from the 'what's actually right and fair.' Am I being unreasonable to ask for a greater contribution from him for things over and above 'basic costs'? What even are 'basic costs'?? I know he can afford more, he just doesn't ever ask what things are costing me or offer to pay and probably hopes I won't ask. As a result, it makes me feel like I'm begging or being greedy and in the wrong, which stops me from speaking up. I'm going to ask for a greater practical effort too, but it's the financial I'd like advice on really. In a way, I feel that might be easier to secure. I'd just like our child-related outgoings to be more proportional to each of our incomes.