Think we’re divorcing. What are my financial rights?

[mamatothreebunnies]

Together 20 years since our teens. Married 16. Built out life up together but there has always been massive red flags and things I refused to believe and suppressed (he is very narcissistic)

our relationship has been slowly cracking for years and I think it’s finally broken. He said he is leaving the family (we have 3 young kids) - I don’t feel sad he’s leaving, I’m just sad for our kids as I’ve put up so much for so many years for the sake of not breaking our family.

I just need to learn my financial rights. We share a house. He earns over 150k. I have my own new business but not paying myself yet as not making enough. I rely on him fully financially even though I’ve always had a job in the past prior to our 3 kid when I decided to start the business.

what do I get? Should he pay for the children’s education (currently all in private) and all the extras?

please no judgment, just need advice.

I do not have advice. However, you have my sympathy and hope things go well. Divorcing a narcissist is a nightmare so please get legal advice if possible by someone recommended. Be pragmatic with decisions and take one day at the time. Your kids would be fine just show them your love and care.

Your rights are you have rights to a fair share of assets

that could be 50% could be more could be less

the aim will be to get you severed financially as quick as is feasible .

you need to understand what assets there are to start to determine that

in regards paying school fees, I presume you also expect him to pay mortgage and all bills currently. If so you might find there isnt enough for that plus renting else where even on his salary. Does he earn 150k or more as you say more than? How much more?. Big difference between income on 150k vs say 300k

even as a high earner you may not get spousal ( perhaps interim) if there are enough assets for clean break

you will still be expected to maximise your earning potential, especially as you must only be late 30s per your op

you need to think :
short term - what needs paying and will be do so
lomg term, what does a fair settlement look like, what are your expectations, are they realistic, how can you be independent financially, where will you live, where will kids go to school? ( private might not be possible especially if in England with vat going on - that will add massive amount for 3 children)

read up on principles of fair sharing

how old are the children ?

mediation might help
you both think things through and ultimately you’ll need to see a solicitor for advice specific to your case

Thank you both for your replies.

my stomach turns at the thought of sorting all this out. I don’t think it’s an easy clean break since a lot of assets are tied up in various shares and businesses, both in uk and abroad. So although we’ve had money and he’s invested it in places, I don’t know how we can exit those for the settlement. He’ll probably try to hide or downplay as much as he can. Kids are between 3 and 10. My heart literally hurts when I look at them and them having to deal with what’s to come but I also know I have to set the right role model and what they know to accept and not accept in a relationship.

I paid £500 to access some legal help from the co-op (they have a legal service) and found it really helpful. I would suggest you do the same then go for mediation as it's easier to go in knowing roughly what you are entitled to. Good luck

£150k a year is not really enough to pay 3 private school fees simultaneously, plus all other costs. I would start getting ready by collecting information about all other investments he might have, plus start looking at estate school options

You need good legal advice especially if there are complications in regards business and investments

You do need a decent solicitor. Assets can be hidden and you will need forensic help to find them if he plays hard ball. Generally assume 50/50 and make sure his pensions are declared, as yours will have to be. Private education for three seems a cost too far. So start thinking about alternatives. 3 year old certainly can come out of this trajectory. Other dc at end of KS2 for example. Will half the house work for you in terms of money? Or will you need to fund a mortgage? If so, how? Look at maintenance for you and dc but you cannot squeeze a quart out of a pint pot.

Hi Op, BEFORE you go for your 30 min freebie at solicitors, go to the header of this board and click on link to ADVICE NOW.

download their guides.

on the financial settlement ones they’ll explain

1. that settlement is based on future needs
2. That settlements need to meet the laws around”fair settlement “ for the court to seal. “Fair settlement” is a list of criteria , and you need to know which apply to your situations (both of you)
3. That “fair settlement” does NOT start with 50:50. If it ends up like that great, court likes it. But fair settlement needs to be met first
4. how to complete the legal financial disclosure. (D81/form E)
5. consent orders vs court made financial agreements if you can’t agree and need for mediation first if you can’t sort it yourselves.

these guides tell you take you need to do, which you DONT need solicitor for, which you really should have a solicitor do, and where you might need one.

first agree to NOTHING, until full legal financial disclosure is done on both sides and signed. Especially if he is likely to try to hide stuff. Or delay doing legal disclosure.

remember a silicon will charge £200 per hour for every minute they’re thinking about your case,talking toyou, or listening to you vent your frustration ! ONLY use solicitors for specific tasks you need. Be clear what you want them to do. Wait for your free 30 mins until you’ve read and got your head around processes, and then use to ask questions on your specific circumstances re fair settllement (bear in mind that free 30 mins is also their sales pitch).

many people come onto this board after spending £1000s and months or years on divorce. It does not have to be like this. Whilst your stbex may be narcissistic try to park the anger and hurt, deal with it purely pragmatically. Give him the guides too. The sooner you BOTH accept that you can each fight, or not, but either way you WILL both be poorer just because that’s the nature of marriage , the better.

a divorce can be done cheaply (ours was £1500 in total 3 years ago) and quickly ( a min of 6 months now though) if you can park that anger, and dis- engage the emotions. my exh was abusive, but I gave him guides form ADVICE NOW, and he had sense to see that he’d come out better off to accept that we needed to work it out and cooperate between us.

please also note, despite what some folks on these boards believe, you cannot toss him out of home, if jointly owned. Actually solcitors will advise you each to stay in home until legal settllement sealed anyway - or at least submitted to court after interim order.

ADVICE NOW guides are brilliant. Print or download and spend next week getting your head around them, knowing the process, what your rights under”fair settlement” are. And begin the often painful process of adjusting mentally to the inevitable sitwutuon thst will mean for you (and him though)

He’ll probably try to hide or downplay as much as he can.

Start gathering as much information as you can right away. Don’t alert him that you’re doing so.

it is a leap to say she’ll probably need forensics
This can mostly be avoided by

1. in first place making him familiar with law re full financial disclosure onnD81 and form E. i.e. that he will be breaking 2 laws to lie and run risk that if courts find out ever ( even after original consent is sealed) they’ll take a very dim view of it, they don’t like contempt of court
2. no solicitor will help him hide his assets - if he goes to solicitor he’ll be told too to thats its illegal to falsify
3. in a lot of marriages you’re going to know where all assets are, and therefore where stuff is hidden, and your solicitor can right a legal letter.

sure,where there are business’s assets involved thst can then become way more complex. It is these cases that normally need forensics. In most other cases a clear threat of legal action will bring people into line , albeit it does slow things massively and make for huge stress.

I think you will end up needing to invest in an a forensic account but start off with guides and do as much research as possible and gather as much of his financial
paperwork as possible.

There is no automatic obligation for private schooling to continue.

@Dartwarbler I said get one if he plays hard ball. Eg a business partner of DH had all savings and investment correspondence go to office. Others I’ve heard about have investments in companies which are far more difficult to trace than a building society! Sometimes a spouse can have substantially more than is obvious. Possibly not in this case but it can be hidden by someone who doesn’t want it found.