Husband walked out

[L666]

May the 9th 2024, I went out for a walk with my husband and dogs and on our walk my husband was very quiet. When I tried to get what was wrong with him, he come away with we didn’t have anything in common apart from the dogs and kids. He ended things. We went back home and he told our 2 kids. They next day when he finished work he called and asked if I wanted anything from town as he was going for a prescription. I was in town and got it. He come home and I begged for a chance to save our marriage. That I would do what it took to save it. We never ever argued or anything. We agreed to try, aslong as sex was 4 times a week and I allowed him to do what he wanted in the house. Weeks on our daughter was worried he would leave, he kept saying he’s not leaving he loves me. Anyway fast forward to 15th July and he has done it again, whilst our daughter was in the kitchen. He told me he didn’t want to be here anymore and he had been texting someone else. (Ex gf from Over 20 years ago) even though the night before he told me he loved me. I am
absolutely devastated he would do this to us again. We have been together 20 years and married 8. He has dealt with the loss of his mum, recently his behaviour is alarming as he is going for big tattoo (no previous tattoos), shaving chest hair, building muscle with machine. He is telling the kids far too much. What is the best way to deal with this? He doesn’t look happy but tells me he’s the happiest he’s been for a long time.

Let him go.
His head has been turned and the grass is looking greener elsewhere.
Do not humiliate yourself by doing the ‘pick me’ dance .
Try to be really practical and start working on paperwork and thinking about the household without him in it.

Let him go.

So sorry OP. He will regret his behaviour at some point and the kids will think he's an absolute idiot. How old are they?
Meanwhile get yourself fit and healthy, book some tlc with mates for the time he has the kids and start planning your new life without such a selfish prick

Leave him to his sad little mid-life crisis and focus on re-envisaging your life as a single person (without having to be a sex vending machine and maid for your ex-husband), what you need to do to get the best deal from the divorce that you can, being there for your children and prioritising self-care.

It won't be too long before his ex remembers why they broke up in the first place, the tattoo starts to look either cheesy or intimidating, he realises how much work it takes to stay bulked up past mid-life, and the kids start to not want to be around him because even they can see he's being pathetic.

If the kids are young enough for child maintenance, get every dollar you can. His new life as a single man won't seem that rosy once he realises he has to do all his own washing, cleaning, tidying and cooking, and look after the kids by himself on a regular basis.

Take control
tell him to go
getbkn with yours and your daughters life

Let him go and don’t let him come back.

I lost my mum almost 3 years ago. It was horrific. She died, fairly, young. And it was connected to her lifestyle. After about a year of grieving I realised I need to sort my own health out. I eat better, exercise more, lost weight, improved my health. So I get that bit.

What I didn’t do was go chasing my youth start texting exs and fucking off Dp and hurting my kids. So don’t be taken in if he comes back in a few months blaming his mother’s death.

He is obviously, having some sort of mid life crisis, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to hurt you and the kids. He can have a midlife crisis and be a decent husband. But a fucking car or something. Unfortunately, I think he has decided the life he has isn’t the life he wants. And I bet one of the things he wants is sex with other people.

I am so sorry this happening. He is a shit and you deserve better. You don’t deserve someone who doesn’t really want to be with you and is back and forth about it.

You agreed to sex 4 times a week and him to be able to do whatever he wants? Do not do this. What about when his demands get more and more extreme? Make him leave and let him have his mid life crisis and you start am amazing life without this wanker of a man in it.

Sex 4 times a week and let him do what he wants in the house.

You will eventually look back and realise how wrong this is. You are not his sex toy or his parent. He sounds awful. No matter how rough the next year may be, he has to know you are not a doormat and won’t tolerate this. He is expecting you to always be there whilst he flits off doing what he wants. You can do it!! Tell him where to go.

Absolutely this. I know it hurts - been there - but keep your self respect (demands sex, and to basically do what he wants, and you agreed?! Just no!), focus on your anger (how dare he treat you like this), get a lawyer and move on to a happier life without this selfish man in it.

@L666 I'm so sorry you're going through this too. It's very hard to accept, and you've got a difficult path ahead, but you will make it out the other side, and you won't have to put up with a selfish ex. It's a sadly common pattern of twattery for middle aged men. There's a script. He'll blame you for all his unhappiness I'm afraid, try not to listen because it's mostly projection! Be prepared for some minor issues from 10 years ago to be flung back at you. They have to justify themselves by rewriting history.

My STBEX also "started" by messaging his ex of more than 30 years ago, escalating to meeting and an emotional affair. He also refused to discuss or engage in counselling and told our DS and everyone else almost immediately. AFAIK he's still seeing her. It sucks.

Please come join us at https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4978266-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation-part-2-onwards-to-a-happier-future where there are lots of women who are either going through or have survived similar ex nonsense!

Take control and split. U deserve better as do ur kids.

We had a meeting the other night and he fully believes I should be paying rent, doesn’t believe he should be paying bills, even though he left me with nothing. I don’t know how my life got to this! We were just a normal couple, no rows nothing. The girl he is texting is an absolute moron, sells herself on only fans apparently. I’m devastated for my kids, he has been a better dad the last week and a half than he ever has tho.

I agree, take control and tell him to leave.

Has he actually left the home?

If so and he is paying no bills he needs to pay child support asap. In all likelihood, if he has moved out you will need to take over paying the bills. Would you qualify for benefits? Have you looked. Do you have a mortgage or rent?

Don’t worry about who the woman is. Or what she does or what type of woman she is. Nothing good will come of that.

For now, you need to concentrate on the practical stuff to get yourself sorted.

@PancakesForElephants omg why do they do this! Mine did exactly the same it didn’t last. He is now on his arse doesn’t see the kids or pay maintenance. Sofa surfs he is in his forties with a great degree doesn’t use it. It’s like they have a brain transplant and they are a teenager again! With all the twattery that goes with it.

OP I came out the other side at first you question yourself it’s me I should have done more blah blah no it’s not it’s them! They are the problem further down the road you will look back and think hey the trash took it self out.

@Princessbananahamock it's depressingly common. I would never have thought my ex would suddenly become a selfish wanker and behave so badly but here I am. I guess it's unhappiness that they don't know how to deal with, so they blame their partner, and try to regain their lost youth. As your ex found out, it's all an illusion and if you don't address the root of the problem you're condemned to continue to be unhappy. More fool them, but the damage they do to their families is just awful.

@L666 I'm in a similar position. My world has crumbled and he has left for his affair partner.

What has saved my in those worst early month:

1. The wise women of mumsnet - their predictions came true, what they identified was spot on. Use this place as a source for insight and strength.

1. See a divorce lawyer. make an appointment today. see them tomorrow. You can only make decisions and plans once you understand your financial position. Don't put this off.

1. google "the script" men who do what your H did follow a script. it will prepare you what will come next.

1. Read "Leave a Cheater, Gain a life" and listen to the author Tracy Schorns podcast 'tell me how you're mighty'

1. Read the book 'Runaway husbands' by Vikki Stark. Especially the work by Vikki Stark will help you to understand what is happening: Wife Abandonment Syndrome is when a husband leaves his wife out-of-the-blue without ever having told her that he was unhappy in the marriage. Following his sudden departure, he replaces the caring he'd typically shown her with anger and aggression.

He is not a good man. He subjected you to the most cruel way of ending a long term relationship. Your situation is traumatic - please reach out for help IRL, educate yourself with books and see that solicitor tomorrow.

Why in my head do I want to try and make it work. Just grab a hold of him and give him a shake. I want him to miss me. He isn’t getting any guidance from anyone. We have nothing in common? - how many married couples do outwith kids, work etc.