Husband left - not sure if I can stay in my house

[Supernova1908]

Just looking for advice on how folks have got through similar. My husband and I split up five weeks ago and he moved out a few days after. I am devastated and just trying to pick up the pieces of my life (no kids). One of the really difficult things is staying in the house that we shared and living with all the memories etc. We moved to our current dream (ha, that’s a joke) house 5 months ago. It’s in my sole name and he won’t be paying towards the mortgage anymore so I made sure I got a legal agreement in place that lets me keep the house (he readily agreed to this).

I know I can’t make any big decisions whilst going through the pain of it all but I’m wondering how people in a similar position got through it - were you able to stay on in the house you shared, full of all the memories, routines, and the plans you had? Does the pain of those things fade in time or never really go away? The loneliness at times is overwhelming, even though I am trying to fill my time with seeing friends and family, looking after my two cats, podcasts, TV shows etc. It doesn’t help that mainly work from home due to the nature of my job. I absolutely loved the house and area when we moved there but just feel as if it’s almost mocking me now with all the shattered hopes and dreams. I just feel lost and like I don’t know what to do with myself, I get really anxious about prolonged periods of alone time in the house. Any thoughts or hopeful words appreciated.

If you only moved in a few months ago I would say that you can definitely make it your own. If it were me I would buy some pots of paint and rearrange some of the furniture in the first instance. Maybe get some throws, cushions, new bedding if you can afford it.

What legal agreement have you got ?

You’ll be ok, when I saw your title I assumed you meant financially but it sounds like you’re on it with that.

it’s only been 5 months come Christmas you’ll have had as long there without him as with him so start making changes.

can you pick up some paint and change the colour scheme, move the furniture round a bit. It’s still early days, use the personalising of the house as therapy to take your mind off him.

I did. I loved our shared home and its location. I was fortunate to be able to stay (means to buy him out).
He took with him only what he needed. I started gutting the place, boxing up all his crap he left behind. I made it part of the divorce settlement that he would pick up his remaining belongings by a certain date or I was dispose of it!
I have managed by changing things. I’ve deep cleaned, I’ve redecorated in places, new furniture. Changed the purpose of two rooms (craft room!). If doesn’t feel like his house any more. I also don’t let him in wherever possible. It took time but I don’t associate the home with him any more.
I think if the property is legally your’s, and you can afford it, stay (financially it’s not great to try to sell after 5 months) and make it your own.

In time you will feel better. Try to keep busy and I agree with the others - make it your own. Personalise it a bit.

I hope you're alright. If it's any consolation I am going through a break up with my partner IN the house and its excru
iciating. x

Yes I lived there with him for 18 months, he left, I deep cleaned, decorated, bin bagged all his stuff and dropped it at his mother's, and made the house mine. Made new, happier memories

Make it your own. Box up his stuff or things that symbolize your couplehood, repaint, move furniture, and maybe start looking at house and garden uk and getting new ideas for decorating? Decide to start collecting something? Make a project of it.

I was in a very similar situation to you. I am sorry you are going through it too. My ex cheated on me but I was lucky in that I was able to buy him out.

I stayed in the house for about three years after he left. He took the bedroom furniture for his new place, which I was very happy with as I could start by tuning this room into my own immediately. New bed, lovely bedding etc. This really helped.

I did a lot of painting and other DIY which I quite enjoy anyway so it was great for rainy weekends in that it kept me busy. I worked away from home (teacher) but holidays were tricky but step by step turning the place into my own helped. When my ex came into the house a year of so after (can’t remember the reason why), he said he couldn’t recognise the place, which made me proud.

One morning, I woke up, made some coffee and suddenly thought ‘I don’t want to be here anymore’. I put the word out in the village and within two weeks had found a private buyer (the son and family of an older couple living in the village). I sold it and moved 5 miles away into the city I work.

Sorry for the essay but I wanted to give you my story. For me, moving immediately wouldn’t have worked as I needed the stability of remaining in my home. I did work hard to make it my own and then naturally outgrow it emotionally.

Best wishes to you!

Thank you so much for all your replies. It’s super helpful to hear your own stories and gives me a bit of light at the end of the tunnel that I can make my house my own. I have some ideas of things I’d like to change up so I will start doing that bit by bit and see where I’m at when the heartbreak of it all begins to subside (and my god I wish I could fast forward time to that point). Thanks again 🙏🏼

Reclaim the house as yours. I shut all the doors and only opened them again when that room was mine again. I rearranged them, painted bits of furniture and got new ornaments and scatter cushions. At first I used just the spare room and the kitchen but eventually the whole house was different and I felt like it was mine again. Don’t rush it, take your time to grief the marriage and house. I did a nightly journal of my feelings which really helped.

Op I know it’s not your question but what the legal agreement you have. ? Until final consent order is sealed I’d be wary of any other agreement

It’s a Minute of Agreement detailing the terms of the separation and eventual divorce. It’s all good, I’m not worried about that side of things.

Are you in Scotland ?

Yes. He walked out and moved in with another woman (who lived just down the road, so that was good...fortunately they moved about six months later). I felt like you then realised I loved it too much.

I had a huge purge of stuff, reorganised a little, bought a new sofa and painted a wall bright green. And then spent a year or so buying paintings, vases etc to make it feel like mine. It has been 14 years now and I am so glad I stayed and didn't let him ruin it.

Maybe try some sage-ing to get rid of the bad vibes? I didn't then but I would now.