Responding to accusations

[mynamechangemyrules]

Bloody write this whole thing and the app crashed so it's added to my fury 🤣

Got 2 of my children to go with ExH. It is always a battle to get them there. Still have one here who then is very low feeling guilty but also not able to force themselves to go with a parent who makes them feel like crap. So it's emotionally demanding.

As soon as any/ all children go I start getting streams of emails and messages accusing me of various parenting failures. Wrong items packed/ bad haircuts/ tired children. All things have justifications/ reasons I could explain, but I generally choose not to respond (if he can't work out why children are tired on the day after the end of term then 🤷🏽‍♀️)...

This morning's message is an accusation that they have bedbug bites. They don't. He has accused me of this twice before. One DC has been sensitive skin and reacted badly to his OCD (diagnosed) cleaning product use. Another time the DC had shingles poor thing! So I do want to refute this but I'm not sure whose benefit it would be for. I always react as if he was taking me to court or something. But maybe I need to leave this too, despite his threats to report me to SS.

But I've been sulking/ stressing about it all morning and it's stopping me working.

(Sorry I keep asking stuff on here, friends in RL are sick of his shit. In fact one said she just couldn't handle the emotions of hearing about his actions any longer. Which I understand completely but also I am so depleted by it and it does seem to help tomorrow tell someone)

Set up your email so that his emails go directly into a folder just for him. Block him on your phone and download a co parenting app for all communication.

Good advice from @cupcaske123 about how to keep the messages as evidence. You’re wise, however, simply to ignore them.

I’m sure you know that a parent receiving access visits is expected to provide everything the child needs in the way of clothes, toys and so on. So you can’t pack the wrong items - the other parent should have everything at his house.

@Honeysuckle16 I couldn't find 'evidence' of the fact he should provide everything last time I searched for the advice on it? I've sent countless suitcases where I packed one set of everything he would need and asked him to keep it at his- he's returned it every time and refuses to keep any items at his- not even undies or pjs!! 😳

Who is buying all the dc's clothes?
If its you, tell him to provide their clothes for them on his watch if he's not happy.
Who pays for haircuts ? Ditto.
Get a parenting app
& when they are old enough to choose, let them vote with their feet

I had this with my ex and its behaviour that is deliberately designed to cause distress and anxiety in you. Document everything, or do as others suggested and get a co-parenting app for evidence. But also document everything as if it does go further you’ve got documented evidence then of any response to his allegations as if asked further down the line you might’ve forgotten what was going on at the time. Also and very importantly document what the children are saying to you about why they don’t want to go and the incidents you have in trying to get them there. Social services take children’s wishes and feelings seriously. I started documenting my ex’s behaviour and had 2 years worth to show to the courts by the time it got that far and I’m so glad I started. It is also a cathartic exercise for you to get any response down on paper without giving him the satisfaction of responding to him. Ignore him. He is trying to control and bully you.

Like the other posters said, write it all down. I've been keeping a journal for 3 years now, it's good to get it all out on "paper" (Microsoft word in reality!) and has stopped me getting quite so ranty with my friends.

Then read as much as you can about stoicism. My motto is "you can only control your own thoughts and your own actions". It really helps me to detach from him.