Advice on partner threatening to withhold child on day of holiday

[Wilderness1979]

My ex partner and I share a 4yo and have been separated around 3 months. I booked a UK holiday and advised him of the intention before I booked and the actual dates on the day it was booked back in May. He then informed me he’d forgotten to mention he booked something on days that clashed and he also wanted her that week. He has since insisted my daughter be driven 8-10 hours across the country twice in a week to keep to our (casually agreed) days as we are 50/50. I sought legal advice and was told that I had a right to a UK holiday and he couldn’t stop me however he is now threatening to withhold her on the morning I have said I will collect her. He is blackmailing me saying she will only be available if I agree to her being driven to him halfway through my holiday. We have shared responsibility and no legal set days - a solicitor has told me to just take her as he has no right to keep her but if he stops me what can I do? We are due to leave this Friday so I don’t have much time

Keep her with you from now until the holiday, don't pander to his demands, he's yanking your chain. If he can't stick to the informal agreement without pulling silly stunts, carry on with your pland and he needs to apply to court for an order. Don't bend over to it, you'll be doing it til she's 16 if you do.

@GoldDuster I would but the issue is she is not with me today or tomorrow night, he has her at his house as per our informal agreement so I don’t have her with me

So he agreed to you having your daughter for longer for the holiday at the time and later “remembered” something he had booked at the same time?

How much notice of this did he give you? Was there any chance you could rearrange your holiday?

I agree with a PP that if he doesn’t have her now, don’t give her back before the holiday. He sounds like a bully who does not have your child’s best interests at heart

@CheekyHobson the holiday was booked and paid for as I’d already given prior verbal notice I was planning on booking it and he never mentioned a potential clash. She has a sibling and it’s the only week I can have both of my kids together for a holiday all summer so rearranging it wasn’t possible unfortunately.

if I had her with me prior to the holiday I wouldn’t be worried, the issue is that she is with him and he is now saying he won’t release her unless I agree to his demands on dates and cutting my holiday short with her.

He has also intimated he won’t release her until I provide the address of where we are staying and I am worried he will turn up and try and take her halfway through

I would say what you need to say to get her back. Agree, nod and smile. Give him a fake address. Then do what you need to do. He is controlling you via your DD.

I agree with this. He’s a controlling bully and frankly I would do something to register concern with an appropriate authority at this point as I suspect it is only likely to get worse.

Coercive control is against the law. It is no accident he has waited till the last minute and when he has your daughter with him to suddenly “remember” his plans.

Agree to everything - he isn't the only one who can change their mind. Does your daughter know he won't let her go on vacation with you and her sibling?

When you return from holiday you NEED to speak to a solicitor about a proper child arrangement order. If you don't then he will continue to use this threat whenever he wants.

For now, I would be hesitant to agree with his demands in writing by text or email.

You also said ex partner.....is he on the birth certificate?

I would agree (verbally but not in writing ie text/email) and then "change my mind" once I had her and tell him that because on reflection it's not fair to her to have her holiday interrupted.

Every communication needs to be about what is best for her not you or your ex.

He's not going to come and take her from the holiday. It's just bluff and if he does that will reflect very poorly on him if you go to court.

On that note, given he's being a dick you can't afford to have a casual arrangement anymore.

See a solicitor pronto and get an agreement in place that's binding.

Thanks for all the replies and suggestions. I’m just a bit scared of any repercussions no matter what I do.

Yes he is on the birth certificate and has shared parental responsibility so aside from my right to have a holiday in the UK with her then there’s nothing else in place. He’s been controlling for years but I’m shocked he’s using her as a negotiation tactic and not putting her first. I will be using a solicitor when I get back

I’m another one that thinks you should just say you’ll go along with what he wants and then go ahead with your holiday. I know that you are afraid of the repercussions but thing is there will be repercussions each way. He is being difficult and controlling and that behaviour won’t stop and he’s obviously not above using your child as a pawn in his game, so be prepared for that to continue until there is a court order in place preventing him. You don’t have any control over his behaviour unfortunately- I was in the same situation with my ex and I wasted so much time and energy on trying to be collaborative, trying to be nice and accommodating, and trying to change his behaviour towards our kids and it got me nowhere so release yourself of trying to control or change his behaviour. If you do what he wants he will continue to behave this way, and if you don’t do what he wants then he will likely do something to get his own back or up the ante, concerning your child, so your in a catch 22 really. Just do what is best for you and your child, as long as you can show you’re acting in your child’s best interests that’s all that matters.
Make sure you are documenting all incidents, date, time and what happened (from an objective and preferably child focused perspective). Don’t ever be afraid to make reasonable requests or adjustments re your child as if and when it goes to court you will have more evidence to show that he is being unreasonable. And have a nice holiday! 😊

Tell him you’ll collect her when you’re back. I’m sure he has no intention of cramping his style by actually looking after her for a week

I would actually go counter to the advice given.

A short term view is say what you need to say to get her back. You then go back on your word. If you ever go to court, you might look in the wrong.

A long term view is that your ex acting like this may mean you want a child arrangement order in place at some point so you can freely travel and also detail how holidays will be arranged (ie removes ability to control / mess with you). If you are doing that, you won’t want to have been in the wrong in any way. So say you’re still going to do the holiday and can he drop daughter as per the plan. If he then refuses to return your daughter, he is committing a big boo boo which will reflect badly on him if there are ever wider proceedings.

To add, tbh, with this kind of behaviour I think you’ll want a proper child arrangement order in place so I would file for one as it takes ages.