PTSD post domestic abuse

[cantthinkattheminute]

Background. Left my husband of 10+ years last year and have come to realise that there was significant domestic abuse of all types except physical. This has been found in family court.
Currently he has no contact with the two children both primary school and this is ongoing through the courts 1yr + and remains no contact with non mol in place. Divorce is currently being contested as he believes he is not at fault and I am. And the financial hearing are due to begin if he produces anything in the autumn- there is over 1million but all in his name, includes several properties. Despite this he is receiving benefits and seems to have made it the subject of his life to make mine as miserable as possible and all court cases as drawn out as he can.
I have been really well supported by women's aid and just finished 12 week councilling with a sexual&domestic abuse charity. I have reduced my working hours and role. However I have found over the past few weeks the triggers have been coming more frequent and intense. I have spoke to the gp about PSTD and have been referred to community mental health teams. It seems like a daily struggle to keep going and I never seem to know when I going be triggered which can leave me in tears for a significant period of time. I don't know if I can keep on going to work or it would be better to have time off. Gp happy to give me a sick line but left it with me to think about.
Anyone any advice or help? Thank you

Hi OP @cantthinkattheminute sorry you are going through this. I have been in your situation and am currently studying trauma-informed recovery. However, the advice below is just my input and experience, I'm not a registered clinician.
The body is triggered when we don't feel safe, or we're reminded of something that made us not feel safe.
When I left my controlling relationship, I had hyper vigilance and would freak out at the supermarket because it reminded me I used to be told I was "taking too long" and when I got back I'd be grilled on my whereabouts or start receiving endless texts.
On the daily here are some thing you can do - basically you need a 360 approach:

• Over the years I have overcome some of the hypervigilance and PTSD with breathing techniques and reminding myself I am safe. Deep breathing sounds so basic, but it regulates the nervous system. You can do it every time you feel overwhelmed, and repeat internally, "I am safe."
• Practice breathing and meditation (5 minutes YouTube) every day at home as a daily practice to remind your body you are safe; when we are stressed, we don't breathe deeply, we have shallow rapid breathing, and our body knows this and will get ready to go into fight or flight mode and you'll be triggered again.
• Look at your "window of tolerance" and ensure that your needs are being met in terms of enough sleep, rest, good food, down time, etc. If we don't have those basics, small things will set us off like a hair trigger because your "window of tolerance" to outside stressors will be really low (there's more on this online)
• You will need to double down on rest if you've come out of an abusive relationship, and make sure you feel safe and protected in your home envronment. Do everything you can to make your home cosy and restful and take waaaay more rest than you thing you need, as your nervous system is shot to pieces after living in what amounts to "psychological hijacking" for so long.
• Support yourself with other healing modalities such as massage if that appeals, or something like acupuncture, which can be helpful for chronic stress.
• Evacuate some of the stronger feelings of overwhelm or anger with an equivalent "strong" response in the form of physical exercise such as swimming or running, so you are not left with cortisol whizzing round your system which will burn you out.
• I foudn reading and knowledge was really helpful but this depends on your personality: The Body Keeps the Score is a good book on trauma, but it is a hard (emotional) read, so don't read it unless you are interested in the science behind it all.

Sorry this is long HTH!

Thank you. That is really helpful.
I find it really hard to slow down, especially with two small children and probably try to do too much.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Only you know whether work is good for you just now, or if you can function there, but I would seriously consider having some time off.

Are you in the UK? If so, divorces are now "no fault" and there are very limited grounds to contest a divorce:

the court does not have jurisdiction to entertain the proceedings
the marriage is not valid
the marriage has already legally ended

He can't contest it just because he disagrees or doesn't want to divorce or thinks you are at fault. These are not relevant reasons to contest.

Thank you.
I'm in Northern Ireland so there is no no blame divorce yet.

This is such a helpful post, I’m not the OP but thank you, seeing it all laid out like this is very helpful.

@cantthinkattheminute I don’t really have any answers but I am sorry for what you have been through, you will get through this phase. The advice on this thread is superb. Whether you should take time off probably depends on what is least stressful for you- do you get paid and is your job secure? If so take some sick time and heal. If not it might just add to your stress and you don’t need that right now.
good luck x

Thank you everyone.
I would get ssp which I can manage on. I have already had two months off with stress in the past 12 months and work have been very supportive over the past year and half. My job is not overly busy and it doesn't always involve others but is in an open plan office where everyone talks to each other. Brain fog and concentration aren't alway helpful!
Still completely in two minds as what to do. Some days I feel absolutely fine and other days it just seems to be one trigger after another.