How to tell my husband I'm leaving him

[twindletops]

I am wanting to leave My husband like my previous post said but I've got a few questions looming over me

I've emailed to book appts with the mortgage advisor and a family law solicitor just for advice

We have no physical or romantic relationship it's like being roommates with no common interests and I know that he's watching porn/wanking in private or in the bathroom

What I want to know is what do I do if he refuses to want to seperate?

I am going to offer to take over the mortgage payments and suggests he rents that way he's not having to pay towards a house myself and our DD will be living in (I do expect him to pay maintenance) but what if he refuses and wants to stay in the house? Will I have to give in and move into rented? He can take the sofa, bed and tv with him to a new place as he has paid for it the rest of the furniture we jointly bought or I've bought as I put a lot more financially into the house decor

Who gets custody? Obviously I want her with me as I'm her mum he's a good dad but does need reminding of the basics such as bathing her, brushing her teeth and he feeds her such a beige bland diet always giving in and letting her have sweet stuff if she won't eat her tea.

I am going to suggest that he sees her every evening by picking her up from nursery and take her back to wherever he finds to live for a few hours before bringing her back to the family home to me then he can have her every other weekend for an overnight visit (fri/sat night). This is so we both have a weekend alternate with her as it wouldn't be fair him getting her every weekend when we both work mon-fri

I want to be amicable about it but scared shitless on how to approach this all and saying to him

😫😫

He might not want to rent… he might want 50:50 custody. You won’t know any of this until you speak to him. I am so sorry you’re in this position, hope all works out for you.

If he refuses to leave the house are we literally left stuck living together unless I moved out? Also with the custody I thought the suggestion was still reasonable even though not 50/50 because he will still see her everyday except 2 days every other weekend. I want to keep it as normal as possible for her she's 2.5 and asks a lot of questions so feel this best. Totally get I won't know fully until I speak to him but I'm scared of his reaction 😫

I think until you speak to him, you can't decide any of the above as it's a joint discussion. When my ex h and I split up, I had to move out into rented before he could buy me out, and we are 50/50 on the kids. You've decided and are in practical mode of how the new set up will work. He will need some time to get his head around it first.

Prepare for the scenario that he wants to buy his own place or, buy you out of your joint place. It would be worth working out if you can afford to buy him out and what the financials look like if you sell.

It really depends on what he wants also. You are clear on what you want.
If he wants 50 50 then there's no real reason he wouldn't get it. I'm afraid beige food isn't one ! Lol
If you are 50 50 then both need housing to support that ie a 2 bed place. It may be that you will be better off selling and splitting the proceeds so you both have a substantial deposit for a new property.
You haven't talked about salaries or pensions etc which may also be taken into consideration.

First steps first ... talk to him

I think until you speak to him, you can't decide any of the above as it's a joint discussion
Absolutely you can't just say, 'I WANT you to move out, I WANT this, I WANT maintenance.
With I am going to suggest that he sees her every evening by picking her up from nursery and take her back to wherever he finds to live for a few hours before bringing her back to the family home to me is that to cover your work hours?

Hi no it's not to cover my work hours I'm a teacher so finish before DD finishes nursery and could pick her up myself. I am just trying to be as fair as possible in my own head as I fear her will turn into a narcissist when this happens and try to take the "victim" stand point. He does have some narcissistic traits but they only really come out when he's had a drink.

Just don't forget you're ahead of him in the having thought it through (unless he's cottoned on but isn't saying anything).

My exH when he left (for OW work colleague he'd been shagging a year behind my back)was bosh bash bosh, this is what I want, need, am prepared to do. Me, WTAF, I was blindsided and took me a good few weeks to get my head straight processing it.

Sending support. The biggest thing to get your head around is that you can only control your own actions and words, you have no control over him. And your ideas of reasonable may be completely out of whack with his. If thats the case it can be a long, long old slog as you try to maintain control when its impossible.

He may refuse to leave the house, how much more would rented for a 2 bed cost than mortgage. He may very well want his equity out of house, im sure you would if reversed. He may go for 50 50 so, unless a large pay discrepancy, no maintenance. Think about your genuine response if he offered you the deal he proposed.

Now days starting point for a longish marriage if pay is much of a muchness is 50/50. Get access to as much info you can and then start to think about what you want and prioritise them so you know what you want going into negotiation. Be aware everything is up for debate. The more you focus on the big picture (your freedom) and don't sweat the small stuff the mode tolerable the process will be. Dont get dragged into winning or punishing.

Wishing you luck.

Just start with "this isn't working, we need to split"

Give him time to process

Avoid suggestions about how this could work - keep your cards close to your chest

The him seeing her every night won’t work. It’s confusing as it will come to an end at some point which will be more upsetting. Generally speaking he will move on at some point, have a new partner and this little routine you have come up with won’t fit in then. 50/50 with pre set days etc works best. You can’t make him move out either if it’s half his house so you have to be prepared that you may have to.

splitting up is messy but can be done amicably if all parties are on board.

Do you have an understanding of all your financial assets? Pensions, salaries, cars, savings, debts etc. They will all play a part and it is very unlikely that unless you have the mortgage raising capacity to take over the family home and buy him out that it will happen.

Before I spoke to him I would want to understand if it was even viable for you to have the mortgage in your name whilst also releasing 50% of the equity to your STBxH

I know all the ins and outs of my own side but not his pension etc

My debt is minimal maybe just under £2000 on a credit card. I've booked to speak to mortgage advisor about it before I speak to husband. I am not looking to rinse him etc I wouldn't want a penny off him unless it's towards our child

I am not suggesting you wish to rinse him, but its useful to know both sides as much as possible as it may be you can leverage pension assets vs property assets etc to be able to remain in the home.

To OP

Have you considered counselling, or are things too far gone for that?

If the marriage is dead, it's possible that your husband wants to split too, but has the same fears as you and doesn't know how to break the ice.

I can't think of anything that's better than what has been said already.

Just start with "this isn't working, we need to split"

Good luck.