Help me keep my cool during the countdown

[yestoanother50]

His flat is ready in mid August so we agreed he will stay until then. Since I got back from 10 days away with the kids I've managed to get the house sorted again (kitchen cleaned, bedrooms tidied, copies amounts of laundry out away) whilst he has done nothing. I've cooked, cleaned, and worked (I WFH) whilst he has... sat on his phone "chatting" to people on Twitter, Grindr, Instagram. He also took himself out last night and hasn't come back yet. He's fully checked out but under what will be my roof and it's driving me insane. I don't want to rock the boat because he will be petty and defensive if I ask him to do functional adulting, so I'm biting my tongue. At this rate I'll have chewed it off by the time he leaves. Is anyone else suffering the final days and weeks of a manchild? If so feel free to vent with me!

I assume you're not doing his cooking or laundry?

Sounds to me OP like you are doing fabulously. Ignore him.. like you said the countdown is on!! Well done on getting this far. Not long left. He’s clearly a complete twat and you know he will behave badly so I’d just ignore him. Make sure he has a concrete date to move! I’d be very very very annoyed if he fucks about last minute pushing back his moving date…

Thanks. There is a fixed date but I thought best not to share here!

And no I'm not doing his laundry @Scottishgirl85 (I stopped that he's ago) but I am feeding him of he's here at mealtimes. The kids are home and if he goes out it'll still be my money he spends (he has no income until mid month either) so it costs me less to feed him here. I'm going to be so much better off not just emotionally when he's gone.

⏳ Not long to go.

Can you not cut the financial support now??

He's doing it on purpose just to annoy you. It's all bravado - he's probably crapping himself about moving out.

Also asking how come he has access to your money?

And I would be so sorely tempted to add a couple of "special ingredients" to his food plate.

I just wanted to send solidarity and support as I am in a similar situation here- he has not yet got a house, but have cut the financial support and we are living alongside one another under the same roof.. it's horrible.

Not without causing a whole lot of drama and upheaval. I need him to go peacefully and can't risk saying what I really think. I am however keeping our joint account topped up with only the bare minimum and using my personal account for everything else, so I suppose it's not officially cut off but is being kept to a minimum!

Solidarity. That was supposed to be our situation - I was hoping he could at least muddle along side by side until he left - but he seems to be making the most of his final days with a skivvy. I'm really grateful that he has somewhere to go so there's an end in sight. Is your ex actively looking for somewhere else? Do you have DC to take into consideration too? If they weren't here I'd just boot him out into the street tbh or take off myself.

I'd just spend a lot of time having loud telephone conversations about how wonderful you feel, how excited you are for the next stage of your life, maybe have some discussions about X extremely sexy man who's just started at the office 👀

I mean probably don't actually do that for the sake of keeping the peace and excising him from your life as quickly and cleanly as possible. One month, in the grand scheme of things, is no time at all. Hang in there 💐

Heavens, no to that last bit! The last thing I need is extra bathroom stink before he goes.

Hi..he said he was looking for somewhere and had viewed a few places, but that's all been put on hold now by the summer holidays as we have not yet told the children! Idea was to wait until he's had an offer accepted, but now feels like we are in catch 22 as he can no longer really leave them to view places!

Further complicated by fact I am only earner, so am relying on him for childcare in this time. Hoping when I go away next week with kids, he will pick this up again but looks like he is dragging his feet!

Kids are 13 and nearly 11 and know this will be good for them long term, but trying to do it 'right' by them is making it extra stressful! Same- if it wasn't for them he would be out of the house already and at his mums/ in his camper van!! Bloody manchild.

Is the mid August move out date part of a court order?

My ex went over their move out date and the court ordered they pay all house costs until they did move out.

Hmm, mine just moped about and lived like a teenager when I went away so don't hold you're breathe @Fishcake18 . He was even put out and stroppy when I asked about the progress of things he said he would do but of course didn't.

Maybe you're right @Sicario and he is worried about starting up alone. Meanwhile I fancy my chances with that sexy guy @MonsteraMama says is out there. There's no-one hiding under my wfh desk though, sadly.

There was a brilliant thread some time ago about the things women did to get their petty revenge. I particularly admired the woman who ran her husband's toothbrush around the toilet rim then put it back in the cup. And I believe you can still buy good old-fashioned itching powder to sprinkle in his outgoing packing.

Ugh, the toilet one is disgusting 🙃 She must have hated his guts.

I was feeling slightly calmer this evening until after we'd eaten, when exP plopped himself on the sofa then announced he was going out and would be back in the morning. I honestly don't care what he does I just wish he would do one sooner rather than later so he's doing it on his own time, not swanning off without advanced warning because it suits him. I am going to be well rid! And it does seem that he's lining someone up (or had them lined up already) to take care of him. Pathetic.

Now I'm off to find that thread, thanks @Sicario . It will make quite a read.

Thank @babyproblems . He's supposedly going away for 2 or 3 days next week so that will give me a breather. For my sanity when he returns I reached out today via some local networks to see whether I can find a housesitting spot to get me out of the house for a few days. I really am struggling not to blow! Have also had to help with admin today because he has a huge list of admin things to do in preparation and was making helpless noises about the correct order to do things in - rather than just stfu and start doing the things.
Counting to 10 now...

How you coping @Fishcake18 ? Is yours picking up the slack with the childcare/adulting? Mine isn't!

I dropped the ball with this today and got a bit stroppy earlier, which didn't go down well. He was sitting about on his phone, then went off to do something Very Important That Has To Be Done And Should Have Been Done Ages Ago - which is code for why haven't you done it already - then came back and sat down again. I have been in meetings all day. Came back early afternoon with DS, having not eaten or brought anything resembling lunch. No plan for lunch. Washing up to do. DS now misbehaving because he's hangry. I make lunch for me and DS and there's spare so he has it. Then he sits back down and announces that he's going out tonight and I confess I flipped just a little bit.

I suggested that we set a schedule for who's doing what when because I am up to my eyeballs with work and can't quite handle having dinner and bedtime responsibilities thrust on my with a couple of hours notice. Not that he had dinner planned but hey. He pointed out that he'd been "helping" with DS and DD - strange because DD was out - "all day" so I pointed out that that wasn't really true since he hadn't thought about their breakfast or lunch and had no plans either for the dinner, so all that still fell on me.

Of course this got thrown back. The get out now seems to be, "Oh, don't start now, I'll be out of your hair in two weeks." Thrown back by me, so in the meantime you're just going to sit there and let the mess pile up around you?

Not my finest hour but the point remains: if he's going to do sweet fa for the next two weeks, spend all day on his phone like a bored teenager then announce he's "going out" at tea time then this is going to be the longest two weeks of my life and we definitely won't be on good terms by the end of it! Sorry mums. I wasn't my best self today.

Jeez. I really don't know how come you're not digging a very deep patio.

Definitely stop feeding him. Make just enough for you and the kids, eat it, clear up, and say nothing more about it.

Picture yourself scratching the days on the wall like a prisoner.

Eyes on the prize....

Ugh, totally blew it today. I've come to realise that our entire past situation only worked because I prioritised his feelings over mine. Since I started to feel the enormous well of bottled-up feelings and think about what I want and need it's become a real struggle to keep my big mouth shut!

Take today. We had a meeting to figure out about finances. He needs state support and was told that there will be a delay until the first week in September because August is paid the next month. He looked at me and asked what he was going to do without any money, which pissed me off no end and I said something petty like, "I don't know. Being separated means that you need to sort yourself out from now on. I'm not your mother." Yeah, really petty, I'm not proud.

For context, I've been seething inside for a couple of days coming home - I've been house sitting for a friend to get some space/peace - to a horrible, messy house and not even any acknowledgement of my birthday, one of the significant ones, which I'd spent alone whilst away. He thinks nothing of me and the realisation is making it impossible to live out this time without occasionally feeling bitter and angry that I let it go on this long.

So, that's me. How is everyone else doing?

If I stop playing along he asks why I am being mean to him and becomes really pathetic, like a petulant teenager. I'm out of energy for it all but now only a week to go, in theory.

Ah fuck it, sometimes you've got to just let your petty flag fly. He sounds utterly insufferable so I'm impressed you've kept it to a minimum to be honest.

I think for your own sanity just go through the next week acting like he's not there at all. He's going to be a useless sack of shit, he's doing it very much on purpose, let him crack on. Just keep focusing on that golden day when you'll get to shut the door behind his useless arse for the last time!

Thanks. I'm going to need a lot of therapy to unpack how/why I wasted 25 years of my life like this. Only a week to go. Except for the co-parenting thing, which I'm really starting to worry about given he says things to the kids like, "I won't be buying you ice-creams once I move out. Mummy will have more money than me" - so unhelpful!

He goes tomorrow but is off to pick up a friend who will then stay with him for 2 weeks and also help him to move. He's been huffing and puffing all morning because he realises he hasn't got mattresses and bedding for the kids. Keeps asking me questions... and is also in a paddy because I said he can't take my fancy office chair, which he's been borrowing with him. I should just have said yes as I'm not that bothered about it. He really doesn't like not getting his own way. I'm constantly shocked about how "nice" I have to be to keep the peace - and how pissed he is when I just say no to things. Now he wants me to help him find his phone.

Almost there! Well done for keeping your head so well, just wait for how good that sigh of relief will feel when he's finally gone 🥂