How to communicate separation to children...

[SaltAndVinegar2]

...when the reason for separation is emotional abuse by the father to the children?

I don't want to say that we are splitting up because he isn't nice to them as they might think it's their fault. On the other hand saying that we split up because mummy and daddy were arguing too much isn't quite right either.

I am keen for them to keep some kind of relationship although he's already made it clear he's not interested in actually looking after them. It's early days but I expect he will rock up every couple of weeks with loads of sweets and expect a huge fuss made (when we lived together he would ignore them for days at a time).

I don't want to say things like "daddy loves you very much" as I don't really know that it's true and if he does I don't want them to think the way he treated them is loving.

On the other hand he's still their dad so I want them to get as much positive input from him as they can

Any thoughts on how to strike the balance?

I would be clear that it was not their fault and that they are loved, but mum and dad don't love each other as parents should

Just keep saying how much you love them, they have done nothing wrong. Mum and dad don't love each other and you want the kids to grow up in a home where you all feel happy, safe and loved.

Once you aren't living together the kids will pick up on the change of atmosphere straight away. Mine are little and the difference when we moved out was very interesting.

Depending on age I'd say that living together has been getting more and more difficult for mum and dad, you've tried everything you can think of to make it better but now it is time to live in two houses because it will feel more peaceful.

As time goes on they will get it.

My parents totally mishandled their divorce with regard to me.

I think the best thing is to say that they may not understand why now, but it is a decision you are taking that will make sense to them in the future and if they have any questions at any time, you will try to answer them as best as you can. You can say that some things may seem worse and more difficult, but overall you are confident things will be better, because you are the adult and know the right thing to do, and you know that some things are not right as they are now and must change.

Thanks, I think it being more peaceful to live separately is perhaps the angle to go for. My 4 year old said something along those lines already. Some other good ideas too. So far it's been a few days and neither seem bothered, there has been the odd question about practicalities but no sign of distress or upset. I wonder at what stage this would be expected with young children?

Their dad doesn't really behave as though he loves them so I don't want to push that idea as it is basically lying.