What do I do?

[Theyorkmum]

all advice welcome!

hard to explain the background in a few lines but here goes…

18yr married, kids 11 & 16, physically abusive marriage ending, my choice, husband quite poorly (mental health & addiction)

Filed for divorce, after a few hospital stays he is house sharing family home until well enough to get his own place. Kids well aware of his health and understandably worry about him.

problem is husband keeps using telling kids about divorce as a threat/weapon and talking about it at inappropriate times (school run, sports classes). We wanted to wait till school holidays (exams etc). I take them on holiday on my own this Sat. I want them to be told the right way. We are in separate rooms which they think is as dad doesnt sleep (meds)

so 2 questions:

Do we tell them before or after the holiday?

how did you tell your teen/tween?

any suggestion I come up with he says is wrong and would love an outsiders view but I don’t have many friends to discuss it with

thanks x

Tell them ASAP, take that threat and the power of the threat from dad. Not fair on the kids. Just say that you two aren't getting on and aren't happy so are splitting up. That you both love them very much and they have done nothing wrong. They'll have questions, answer age appropriately, especially as they understand about dad.
Wishing you luck. Telling them and then time away from dad and that opportunity to talk to you and for him to calm down might be good.

So …. Told the kids!

He was actually pretty good on the comms front (for the first time in years!)

Both kids took it better than I could ever imagine, had so many sleepless nights over this.

sadly one of the kids said they knew as they heard dad being mean to me about it but he didn’t know how to tell me. I felt terrible about that he had taken that on in silence and think it really hit home for their dad.

ultimately it was calm, message delivered as a team and kids given space to ask questions. They have a short break away to adjust. And then to tackle the next challenge … living arrangements 🙈

to anyone in a similar position I wish you the best of luck in telling your children, it feels easier in the moment than in the weeks before, thank you for the messages of support and advice I have been offered on here

x