Perspective on child support

[Avidreader12]

I need some opinions on this. My ex is heavily in debt he remortgaged last year securing all his unsecured debt against his house but in 12 months he has run up the unsecured debt again so now he is in a financial mess. His car is under a loan, he has unsecured personal loans and credit card debt. I believe on his salary he is barely servicing the debt lat alone paying off the capital (mortgage)

I have suspected gambling but I have no proof.

I was lucky in taking legal advice when we split ( he walked out on us leaving me with joint mortgage) and I managed to pay the full joint mortgage off and pay him out of our joint house so we are totally independent of each other. He was paying child maintaince low amount but agreed at time of split for last 5 years. In that 5 years he has had pay rises, recently he stated making noises that he cant afford to do anything so I asked the child maintance service to do a calculation (since he wouldn’t tell me his income) it’s come back that he should now be over 100 a month compared to 5 years ago. When he got the letter he got angry at me, it’s lead to me now saying a don’t want the fight over money. Legally he should be paying us but if I go through his wages it could make him lose his home and we see each other weekly so I don’t want the stress. My child and me dont need the maintaince as I’m working full time.

I stuck now because I’m a nice person and technically his problems shouldn’t be mine but it’s impacting our co parenting because I can’t trust him,

well, if he should pay it and cant afford it, and you don't need it, I suggest the two of you agree the amount he owes, and treat it like a debt.

Add it all up and he aims to pay it to DD before their 25th birthday, or similar arrangement

Of course if he never can, he never can, but you can always hope

I did think to say instead of paying it me for our child to save it into an account for them when they are older but I’ve a feeling he will simple spend it. Unfortunately he won’t sit down and discuss rationally certainly not at the moment

Imo I would expect the minimum cms. Normally everyone would expect splitting the add hoc (uniforms,clubs) on top. To be kind is only expecting the minimum..you wouldn't not pay electric as your skint..and this is more of a priority.

He got himself into debt, he is an adult so needs to work it out.

I have all the sympathy in the world with the cms both ways as it can be abused so easily. (Usually to the resident, but it does happen vice versa too)

From what I have experienced from some individuals (he may not be like it) is that the more you "bail" them out, the more they repeat the mistakes and expect others to fix things rather then changing behaviour or being accountable..

Sometimes to feel cruel is to be kind as it supports them long term rather then an immediate relief but to enable a continuous problem.

Personally I’d let him off it on the basis he seeks help to sort his debts and takes proper advice to resolve his financial mess out and if he is addicted to gambling he’d need to on something about that

It isnt your problem. You suspect he is an addict. He has no control of his finances. If he loses his house this is all him, not you. You not asking for cms isn't going to atop him being a massive fuckup. Any money he has he is just going to waste. He has already shown you that. Why are you seeing him so regularly? If it is for child hand over, make that more streamlined and give him significantly fewer thoughts. He isnt thinking about you or his daughter when he chooses to waste money rather than feed his child.

I have bailed him out more than once throughout our relationship (when together) he lied about his financial status constantly. in the end when he choose to leave I had to take legal advice as I nearly lost our family house as we were jointly liable. We see each other at shared activity our child does weekly. It’s not something I ever envisaged I thought he might move away from us but he often chooses to suck me into his problems hence the fights about money. He’s lied to his family about why we split blaming me and he projects a great dad poor me mentality. The reality is I’ve struggled over the last 5 years and we have gone without when I can see he’s been taking the piss and I can’t see it changing.

It sounds like he is ready for an IVA/bankruptcy if he can’t service his debt. An IVA would protect the house, put him on a budget and remove his access to further credit.

If he isn’t prepared to resolve his debt problems, you may as well go with the higher CMS amount because it will only be wasted otherwise. It’s not going to be used well. You can put it in a savings account for DD as you don’t need it. Her dad sounds pretty feckless with money so this will build some security for her.

Thanks everyone for your replies he continues to deny that debt is an issue and maintains the narrative I never said I wouldn’t pay you just need to ask. He laid it on thick that I was going to take money from his wages and he is being legally threatened all bullshit, so I told him to call the cms since the letter says I wanted direct pay and I do not want to have to ask everyttime our kid needs something. I’ve compromised by saying he needs to pay set amount every month (the old amount not the higher calculated cms amount) so I can budget. He also tried to make me feel guilty by saying he has a lot on and has cancer. I came off the conversation doubting my own sanity but I am seeing through the emotions of it all. Yes as a family me and my child will lose a lot of what we are entitled to but i don’t want to push it with us living so close to one another.

Honestly taking money direct from his wages is actually better for him..1. Cms debt if he ever needs a DRO or bankruptcy is never included, so will keep it manageable.
2.if he is on any benefits at all or needs them in the future his take home pay is what they calculate benefits on, so will be better for him to have them calculate on the amount with cms already deducted as they will see he has less on his payslip.

unfortunately he doesn’t see it like that and he will make my life a lot worse by verbally fighting me if I persevere. It was exactly the same when I paid him out of the house on a part time wage he took no responsibility for the mess he had created even trying to make it look like I’d thrown him out when in fact he choose to leave and attempted to land me with all his debts. He won’t admit he has debt I only know how bad it is because at 1 point our credit scores were linked. They not now but I still have access to his credit report.

Ugh a reoccuring theme with some men...I had a guy blame the government on the fact he had never paid a bill..it was everyone else's fault even though he was the one that didn't pay it..played the victim card to get the council to pay his debts with that hardship fund 🙄

CMS is literally not your fault and out your hands...every non resident parent pays it..he isn't above every other parent in the country lol. I would stick with it as you would have to deal with him less..sounds like the type to turn everything so I would keep as much distance as possible. :( stay strong! They're emotionally draining 😅