Son not wanting to go to his dads

[justanotherboymum]

Any advice for a child not wanting to go to his dad's house?

Divorced years and normally keen to go there but for the last month or so is refusing saying he doesn't like his dad. Previously hes cried about wanting his dad to not live with the girlfriend.

I don't know how to help the situation, I've tried encouraging 1:1 time and speaking positively about it. His dad has just said he takes no blame for it and think it's the child that's the issue.

I've kept him home with me or collected him a few times but I don't know if that's just making it worse. He is autistic so quite challenging at times so I really value the break and chance to catch up on housework etc.

Anyone been in this position and can offer some advice or hope?!

How old is he?

I'm not sure what you're asking here. Do you want him to go to his dads? Why?

My dd doesn't go to her dads any more, same reason. She's 15. Fine with me. She doesn't want to. He comes to mine and they either go for a run then cook together (I'm out one evening a week), and he takes her out loads on holidays/fancy days out. All good.

My ds 15 has ASD. He hates sleeping out..

Sorry I totally missed that you need the break. Fine. In that case, I'd tell his father to pick him up however often he normally has him and take him somewhere to something nice they can do together without the girlfriend.

He's 8, he doesn't mind sleeping at grandparents or other places so I don't think it's that.

Perhaps I should just go with what he wants then for now, it's just tough with the summer holidays as I have 3 little kids and it's extremely hard work.

He doesn't want to go with his dad even if it's just for a few hours but I'll keep trying to suggest that and follow his lead I guess.

I wouldn't push it op. He doesn't want to go there. Forcing him to go there isn't going to help.

Can't his dad come and take him swimming or to the park or whatever he's in to for a few hours?

Are the other 2 kids younger and his and happy to go?

There are 2 other children and he lives 40mins away (more in peak hour), his dad works long hours in the week so it's not easy to get him to just drop by and take him 1:1. I think this is what I needed to hear and to not force it though

Yes the other two are younger and happy to go (the littlest is closer to me but generally goes over happily)

Ok. So I guess we're in a reasonably similar situation. I have 2 dc, 15&13 and the 13yo has always been happy to go there.

Ex tried to push his gf (was ow and worse which will make it worse) on the girls under the rationale of he planned to drip her in as they'd have to get used to her in the end.

Well. Dd 15 didn't and now refuses. What a shock.

He (ex) finally got the message that she would never accept her, so he has amended his contact time (used to be 2nights per week at his) to dd2 goes one night to his. She enjoys it I think as she gets time without dd1 (who is a delight, but loud and ND). The other night he comes to mine and I go out for my hobby which I would be anyway. He has also upped the amount he takes them both, without his gf, on holidays and random days out.

Tbh, I think this is on your ex to fix and sort out of he wants a relationship with his son. Not you.

I think where it's much harder for you than it was for me, is how much younger he is. By the time dd1 said she didn't want to go, she was already of an age to stay home alone so I still got my break.

I'm making my mind up as I type and my conclusion is - your ex has to come up with a plan to see his son without unflinching his gf on him which your son has made clear his feelings on.

Also, it was my exes stupid decision to move 40 mins away from me and his girls so tough shit if he now has to spend longer in the car.

Thanks that's really helpful. I agree it's his issue to solve, it's just tricky when he says like he has tonight that he's not taking any blame. Which to me makes it sound like he's not going to adjust his life or way of parenting.

He has made sure the girlfriend is out of the house a lot of the time so says he doesn't think that's the issue. I guess I just have to let it go though, my ex doesn't listen to my suggestions anyway so there's no point is there 🤣🤦‍♀️

I've posted previously as am in a similar position. Ex has made no effort to make his house another home for the kids and has a girlfriend on the scene who he wants them to meet. Older DC is ambivalent (16) - never had much of a relationship with him, younger (12) simply prefers being at home. They'll enjoy days out with him but don't want to stay over or become involved with the gf. He's upset about this and has withdrawn their pocket money, keeping it to spend only when they're with him.
He somehow still makes me feel like this is something I should be doing something about. But like you say, forcing them to go when they don't want to is only going to build resentment.
He'll never reflect on his own shortcomings and act on the endless advice he's been offered over the years. So frustrating and sad that my DCs don't have the relationship they deserve with their father.

@arethereanyleftatall 😁. One of ex' suggestions to me was that I should be dropping them off at his every other weekend to show willing!