Sharing Toddler

[User7164]

husband and I are recently living apart after a long time of not getting on. Our DC is 2 and we are extremely attached, still BFing (to sleep) and cosleeping etc. the longest we’ve been apart is 24 hours.

husband is now requesting set nights with DC and I’m finding it incredibly difficult. He wants 2 nights a week, but considering he has never done a bed time and it’s me who sleeps with DC every night, I really don’t want that. He is a brilliant dad, always been present and loves our child to bits. But when it comes to who does the heavy lifting of parenting, it’s always me.

i definitely have separation anxiety when I’m away from DC which I know I need to address. And it’s not that I don’t believe he is entitled to have quality time with his child at all, but I feel like surely it’s reasonable enough to just have them during daytimes rather than overnight when I know DC is more comfortable in their usual routine with mum? I don’t want to cause any anxiety for DC with changes etc after we’re already dealing with the change of living apart. I have also suggested him doing dinners and bath times in our house and then me sleeping with DC as usual but he argues this goes against the idea of us living apart.

this is all very new to me and I’m really struggling with the best way of dealing with everything. I want things to be fair but I also want to do what’s in the best interest of DC and I don’t feel that sleeping in different places on different nights is good at this age. Fair enough when they’re older, but 2 is still so young and I’m very much a believer in children needing to be near their mothers at all times during their early years.

would really appreciate some insight and opinions from others on this. Thank you.

I think overnights if your child is still feeding to sleep and co-sleeping is not a good idea.

It is not whats best for you or dad, your DC comes first, and he is too young to be explained to about what is happening.

I think pick up in the morning, and return before bedtime is best until DC is more independant at night times.

Sorry I don’t think it’s reasonable

you should work on a plan to stop the feeding to sleep and co sleeping and also work on your separation anxiety ( which unconsciously will pass to your dc)

i understand you find it hard but your child deserves to build a solid relationship with their dad. How would you feel if you were only allowed to see him during the day ?

your ex is not unreasonable

Oh if it got to court the expectation would be overnights or a plan to quickly build up to it

Would dc expect feeding and cosleeping if he was just with Dad? I'd would think not necessarily, 2 is old enough to be able to recognise the fact you're not there.

Why doesn't he try bathtime and stories at his house and see what happens? Ie be prepared to bring dc back immediately if he starts wailing for you. But you might be surprised, dc might be fine with a different routine in a different house.

Who's more reliant on the feeding you or lo?....most bottle fed babies are off the bottle at this age or well on the way to it?

At 2 if it goes to court there will be an expectation to work towards it in a short timeframe. Extended breastfeeding and cosleeping isn't a problem if that's your choice (I did this) but not as a barrier to a child seeing their father 2 nights a week. Ive heard other people been given. 3-6 months to establish a pattern of overnights 2/5 is common where the dad already is a proven hands on dad which you indicate.

I suggest you get some support for yourself to transition through this phase

thanks for your comments so far. DC would no doubt be fine with dad overnight, maybe a little upset but I’m sure he’d manage. that isn’t my issue though, my issue lies more around my morals as a parent and my parenting beliefs. I know everyone has different views and I respect everyone’s right to their individual beliefs. mine is that it’s been extensively proven that children up to the age of 5 do better later in life when they are attached to their mother during the early years, ie cosleeping together every night, not spending extended periods of time apart etc. I’ve done a lot of research into the topic as someone with a traumatic childhood and it’s my number one goal to raise our child to be emotionally secure and strong, and I personally believe, from all studies I’ve read, that the main catalyst for that is a secure attachment to mum, and minimal disruption to home life and routine. so for me to start shipping DC off twice a week to stay in another house at this age just goes against everything I believe, whether dad is there or not. I’m aware that if it ever did get to court, my views and beliefs would be worth nothing. I’m just pretty terrified coming to terms with the reality of it all, feeling completely out of control of the most important thing in my life, my entire heart who I want to protect more than anything in the world. feeling like I’ve failed.

He is a brilliant dad, always been present and loves our child to bits

So start with one night and build
Your ds will be fine with his brilliant dad

A child that has 2 happy homes, with 2 parents who coparent well will be fine. You need to be wary that you do not project your anxiety onto your ds. He will be fine with his dad, looked after and loved and you need to begin to transition to this. By holding your ds to only you, you deprive him of a solid and good relationship with his dad. It will be hard but very possible for it to be positive.

It is not another random house it is his brilliant dad. A child can have more than one attached carer be it mum plus dad granny nanny etc

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-health-development/attachment-early-years#article-top

Talks about caregivers plural . Particularly mother and father. You could chat with nspcc helpline if you worried

It is great to have strong beliefs but you have a child with a man who has different views to you. He is comfortable with his child sleeping in two homes.

His views in raising his child are also valid.

You are going to have to compromise.

Your child and his dad deserve to have a strong relationship too.

Sorry op but you’re on a road to a lot of battles if you don’t bend your views here. You say he’s a brilliant dad so let him be one, in his own home with his own child m. Help your child with that

other wise it will end up in court and you will lose and what happens will be dictated to you

he’s not being unreasonable. You are