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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Not sure what to do now

3 replies

Summerbreeze456 · 17/07/2024 05:39

So, DH has decided to move out. He's been saying that he's unhappy a few weeks ago and didn't love me anymore. However, he agreed we'd at least try to salvage our marriage. We've been married for 10 years, together for 20 and have a 7-year-old DS. I'm also nearly 40 weeks pregnant by now.
In the past few weeks, I've tried to find things for us to do together, to reconnect. I've booked a holiday because we haven't actually been away properly in ages. I had suggested counselling but he wasn't keen.
He'd been going out more and more with friends/colleagues in recent months. Because we live a bit further out, he'd been staying over at a friend's house and usually didn't come back from the pub until the next morning at around 8am. (I had asked him to at least take the last train home, which leaves at around 11.30pm but that apparently wasn't late enough. It was like living with a teenager, whose just been allowed out drinking...)
He'd been home the last few weeks because of an injury and hadn't been able to go to work. We tried to spend more time together, go for lunch, etc. but I didn't want to push it and give him space as well. He's now been back at work the past week and spent 4 nights "going out" with friends. The last few days, he kept coming home at random times, told me he'd have to talk to me and then left again because he needed space to think. (It's the summer break here now and DH is a teacher so doesn't need to go back to work. He's also meant to be on parental leave now until October half term.) Yesterday, he promised he'd made up his mind, had decided to come home for good and was sorry. A few hours later, he packed his bag and told me he'd go to stay at a hotel, that there was no point and there's nothing left to salvage. He wants to find happiness and apparently I'm not the person to find it with. I'm hurt and confused, as is DS, who'd been asking for days why his dad wasn't at home and kept leaving.
I don't know what to do now. I can possibly afford the house by myself. Our mortgage is cheaper than renting in the area. I have managed to calculate the child support I should get and we can be OK on that. (I dont know what his plan is now...whether there's someone else...) I'm the higher earner anyway, although I'll be on mat pay for the next year so it could get a bit tight. We are abroad, which means we need to have lived separately for a year before we can file for divorce. I'm not sure where to go from here...

OP posts:
itwontletmechoose · 17/07/2024 05:56

Hey summer breeze. I divorced abroad. Just keep your head down and focus on you, DS and your upcoming birth. Use all your mental and physical energy on these things and don't waste it on a soon to be ExH. It sounds to me like he'd been having an affair tbh as the need to stay out overnight for an adult with a child is v odd.

Just work out the financial and practical details, email him with a 'statement' of what is going to happen with
Living arrangements
Money
The new baby (caring responsibilities and support- although it may feel too early to decide how you feel about this)

Then turn to whoever you need to in order to get through this.

It's hard but you can do it. 💕

Summerbreeze456 · 17/07/2024 08:31

Thanks @itwontletmechoose . I think I'm still in a daze at the moment. A few weeks ago, when I was discussing my maternity leave with my employer, I was still so glad that I've got "one of the good ones" at home. I don't think anyone around us would have thought he'd behave like this and I was quite surprised when he told me how unhappy he is. We moved here because he wanted to. We've got a nice (albeit possibly slightly too large) house; he enjoys gardening so we've got a nice garden that he usually liked to potter about it...he's never really liked people and never used to go out much with his colleagues (although I never stopped him from going...I was actually quite glad that he seemed to have found some friends to hang out with).
Most of my friends have gone "home" for the summer, so there isn't really anyone around. I've booked DS into summer camp and will try and get some playdates sorted for him.
Financially, I need to see. School fees will continue to come out of our joint account but I've got some savings to have those covered for at least the next year, if need be. He could switch to state school but I don't really want more upheaval for him. State schools here don't teach in English, either, which would make it more tricky for him.

I don't know if DH is just going through some sort of midlife crisis. I don't know whether he plans on staying here or going home as well. If he leaves the country, I'm not sure whether they can enforce the child benefit claims.

OP posts:
itwontletmechoose · 18/07/2024 09:10

You can enforce Child maintenance in most countries OP. The REMO service helps if either of you are British.

Hope you are ok 👍🏼

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